Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v The Feral Bairns

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE FERAL BAIRNS…

‘The uncanny valley phenomenon is an eerie or unsettling feeling that some people experience in response to
not-quite-human figures like humanoid robots and lifelike computer-generated characters. Or deid football clubs and their supporters, who even refer to themselves as ‘zombies’…’

– Google ‘Uncanny Valley Theory’ explanation.

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – Who are you? Where’s Vindaloo? Unexpectedly, Kasper got no rest because he’s not been wicked enough. Which cannot be said for the whip on the strike that startled and beat him early on, or the uncontested header that left him flat-footed as a kettling polis. Recovered some concept of reality to make a blinding save at the death that ensured normal service was finally resumed. ‘What the hell?’ was his general response to those incredulous circumstances of the preceding afternoon, more suited to a Monty Python movie than his Celtic swansong biopic. And now for something completely different…(See what I did there, Cleese afficionados?)

TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 – While others may toil, Tony will scrap. Enjoyed the better of the first half frenzy down our right but lost his head and man for that bemusing second right on the break. However, if you ever needed somebody behind the wire with you, it’s The Brickie – immersed in the recovery through the second 45, forcing them back, sizzling in some deliveries, showed great poise under pressure and a berating crowd to hold the ball
then play a killer pass on the second equaliser. Taking one for the team at the end as a red card rewarded an attempted kneecap was just another day on-site.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 5/10 – This ain’t the slumdog millionaire lower-tier EPL or Chumpionship, ‘dude’. It’s Celtic and expectations are high. Not so, ‘less-than’ Trusty’s concentration levels or focus. Dithering at the first, casting a glance at their striker latching onto a loose break and sniggering ‘Aye, man, go on then – hit i…”. Caught on the ball, misusing the ball, slow reactions off the ball – really needed an experienced Celtic defender by his side to nurse him through his traumatic exposure to frenzied minions out for glory. If only he’d had one…

RAQUEL – 4/10 – It’s seemingly one or the other with the lesser-spotted glamour queen these days. Has rewarded faith with some storming cameos but therein always lurks the possibility of a real box-office flop. Anguishingly, today was a strained interpretation of a script that simply read, ‘Get through with minimum fuss or drama.’ Shaky, slack, uncertain and indecisive; embodied all the traits you don’t want in your pivotal defender. ‘Manager’s pet’ tag is going to become a burden with any more input like this.

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UNCANNY – 5.5/10 – This kid gets a pass because this kid grew up with Barcelona professionals and today’s culture shock might have been crippling for many. I don’t know if Barca found him out in the woods but he must have felt like a feral outcast for large parts of his involvement as the defence around him flustered and abandoned him to flurries of speedy assaults down our left. Yet he played to instruction – forged forward when he could and showed some quality; the cushioned header for the equaliser a peach of awareness and touch. His direct opponent was quite a stern test given the boy’s pace and energy, so all-in a fair enough debut under the conditions.

CALMAC – 6/10 – Irritated and tired about summed up the skipper’s demeanour and performance levels. His frustration was evident at the lack of urgency in our centre-backs’ distribution; appeared a man wanting this cup-tie decided as soon as possible. Not to be, and it was only really around the 64th minute when the real Calmac took some charge after a bit of respite. Then the game opened up for us as he closed-down their middle, utilising our additional midfielders (Arnie in tandem with Reo by then) to pin them in and finish them off. Finally.

HAKUNA HATATE – 5/10 – It’s good when Reo wakes up. Like for the equaliser, clipping in a delightful ball. Them in the final quarter of the game as he too benefited from Arnie’s inclusion and pushed on into higher spaces, giving Falkirk too much to cope with. But overall he was absent too often in a match he really should have been running.

SAINT BERNARDO – 7.5/10 – Thank Ghod (whose birthday it was last week) for big Paulo. Somebody at it from the off. May have had a hat-trick among sterling industry and real positive intent. As it was, demonstrated his foot-like-a-traction -engine finishing ability to prove the festive Skelping was but a taster. His drive and tenacity held the team together while the rest attempted to find their feet and get the pace. Does he now deserve a start? Clue: the answers’s similar to the one for ‘Does your average Zombie incubate rabies and syphilis all at once?’

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JAMESY – 5/10 – Takes a lot to stifle Jamesy and they usually come in pairs with perky nipples. Today there were flashes of the flash as we were treated to some exploratory wingplay first half; foiled by the save of the game from putting us ahead. But you have to credit their defence for the way they managed to close down our right channel well enough that by the hour Jamesy was running up cul-de-sacs or turning into traffic.

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6.5/10 – All that time spent bumbling about the park, looking just happy to be there. Then he remembered: he was Celtic’s number 9 and his number was about up. So he stepped it up. Bang, bang! And no chitty for The Bairns. Timed on the edge of perfection for his first tap-in, touch of grace (meant it?) to glide between defenders seconds later and slot home the roof-raising third.

Around that scintillating awakening… Meh, really. But those quality inputs define price tag arguments. So… does he now deserve a start? Clue: the answer’s similar to the one for, ‘Does your average Zombie understand that bestiality is not recognised as civilised behaviour?’

BRIAN DE – 3.5/10 – Appeared bright enough early on with his usual guile embossed with a will to chase back and aid young Uncanny, albeit in the style of a Honduran market stall bootleg Daizen. Then his terminal fault kicked-in and it was back to Main Character Syndrome Palma, swanning around with the movie-star rueful grins and ‘sonofabitch’ hand-smacking shtick. This time last year we had a player in there, eager to dazzle on the big stage.
Now we’ve got a happy-go-lucky drifter, skipping along on the coat-tails of the main acts. Doubt we’ll see him back in the limelight for a while…

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SUBS –

TAKINTE – 8/10 MOTM – Impact required, impact delivered. That’s the way to ingratiate yourself to a skeptical support – set up two and score two; game done and dusted by your twinkling boots. I thought there were signs as his wellbeing increased following last winter’s traumatic weight loss; we had a few glimpses towards May. But now we get the value the scouts spotted – kinectic bursts of class and prowess – that finish for the fourth, like a birthday tribute to the King of Kings. Gentlepersons, we have a player here.

YING – 6/10 – Look, you weren’t the only one who hissed when K-pop bhoy appeared on the park at 1-2 down; hardly a switch-up for Palma was it? Well, just witness his first involvement – worked his way right across their box, ultimately defied by the keeper who did well to block his stinging effort. More than his predecessor’s managed all season. Takinte stole the comeback show thereafter, but this kid helped light the fuse.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Never thought you’d be happy to see Greggs come on? Of course you were. In he came and we got some shape together and added authority.

APOLLO CREED – N/A – Managed to appear more composed and solid in his fleeting appearance than both our other centre-backs combined.

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – Enter the quality. An injection of class and impetus to the middle had the midfield thrumming like a Lambo, Arnie a step ahead in thought and foot; exemplified by his peach of a through-ball for the fourth.

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THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 6.5/10 – Too may changes or the wrong changes? His gallows were being constructed by the central defence, ironically about the only thing they were capable of constructing. That fulcrum of the team were too ponderous on the ball and too placid off it; we couldn’t get Calmac into the game quick or often enough and their attacking forays were finding too much traction too high up the pitch, eventually leading to the concession of two first-half goals.

Creditable response, however, as BR didn’t crack and go all Mowbray on them. Sure, he frustrated all by keeping his pet rock on and refusing Kyogo a crack at heroics, but his tweaks in the middle, bolstering the midfield to four, setting us up like a Roman legion on the offensive, broke their resistance and led to the overwhelming last quarter when we finished them off.

MIBBERY – 4/10 – It must have been getting hot and sticky in VAR until young Damien had the angst ripped out of him at Idah’s equaliser – on by a proverbial-bawhair. Meanwhile, on the Paradise surface baby-face- two-first-names finally lost the rag and sent off a Falkirk player for spoiling his afternoon. All looked so exciting for them for so long. Still, they’ll always have that first half…

OVERALL – PHEW (7)/10 – Phew. Well, that was a comfortable afternoon. Nnnnot. The sheer temerity of Falkirk to come here and play like… A football team, must be commended. They went down swinging and John McGlynn gets plaudits for the bravery he instilled in his players to properly have a go. We looked as surprised as anyone that this cannon-fodder from a region twinned with Transylvania would prove an obstacle requiring more than a cuff around the ear to shift. Enough Celtic lessons were learned, I hope – the value of centre-backs capable of shifting the ball with alacrity and accuracy; the cost of multiple changes and less than 100% focus.

What was expected run-of-the-mill fare became cliffhanging drama. The heroes faced getting wiped out by the furious demonic entities zipping about and there were moments where you might have thought you’d seen this screenplay before somewhere, knew it ended in a hollow pit of the stomach, sour-tasting crestfallen anti-climax.

But those old pages have been turned and edited now; rebooted melodrama is scintillating, swashbuckling, momentarily breathtaking spectacle this season. The party crashers were swept away in a merciless tide of green and white in the final stages; threats extinguished, executed by quality, great relief delivered like a sugar rush by flurries of beautiful, inventive football, like the great mhan said.

And you knew it would ultimately happen, didn’t you? Didn’t I? Didn’t we all? Through gritted teeth… Surely? After all, like another great man told us – in the words of Willy Wonka – ‘You should never, never doubt something that no one is sure of.’

Phew.

Go Away Now

Sandman