SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE NAVARRO CARTEL…
“Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom
Boom, Boom, Boom
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,
Boom, Boom, Boom.”– ‘The Celtic Guns’ – A poem by Tony ‘Baldrick’ Robinson,
St.Mirren FC Manager.
ROXIE – 6.5/10 – As expected, chief cheerleader in another siege, this time resisting the temptation to burst forward and try a long-range effort as we re-enacted the Alamo. When once crucially called upon, though, pounced on a loose ball in the 6-yard box like a cougar picking off an escaped family bunny.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – Games like these are bread and dripping for a Bhoy raised amid the vein-popping hurly-burly of lower SPL/Championship MMA scraps. The Paisley gangsta fury fazed him not one bit as he role-played a Feegie drug bust and kicked their right-flank door down, piling in with an array of ammunition, delivering the message with a zippy, energetic 90 minutes. Lacks the footballing finery of others but excelled as a driving force.
STAR LORD – 7.5/10 – See the difference a new series makes? Buoyed up by the Shelby’s last stand, he was perfectly tuned-in to meet shotgun with shotgun, wielding a sawn-off with a swagger across our defensive third, making the block of the game to prevent an unsettling opener for them, and playing Sutton to his defensive partner’s Larsson for that vital goal. Looked the sharpest mentally we’ve seen him. Must carry that channelled madness into Sunday.
GET CARTER – 8/10 MOTM – Centre-half, playmaker, predator. Filled the roles tonight like he fills that jersey; with
cultured brawn. Lashed in his chance with the instincts of a gigantic Gerd Muller, a finish that elicited not so much expressions of joy, more of a collective roared, ‘Thank God!’. His passing from and around the back was crisp and incisive; essential given the inordinate amount of time on the ball he had. All-in, that was the comprehensive centre-back performance required in a sticky title run-in must-win match. Reminded me of Jozo beating Killie the weekend Cesar departed.
JURAN JURAN – 6.5/10 – The live-wire we need at times when the pace lags. His overlapping runs are unmatchable and if only he’d managed a little more precision in delivery we’d have killed the game off early from his advanced positions.
CALMAC – 7.5/10 – Ultimately, a great captain’s performance. Chipped in with the goal equivalent of a massage happy-ending, but his real contribution was his metronomic influence on a midfield out of sorts and composed of shifting personnel. Calmac was the constant as Ange tried the variables.
THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – Threatened to explode into a match-winning display. But he couldn’t quite get beyond first-fix despite trying to add some architectural highlights that didn’t quite pay off. Promising, though.
HAKUNA HATATE – 5.5/10 – Another poor one from Andres Iniesta’s favourite J-League player. He seemed to fall into the ‘too casual’ trap, which is a difficult fugue state to emerge from as the game rages around and away from you. Surprising, as his best games have been defined by the spikes of his alertness and creativity.
ABADASS – 6/10 – Might have lit his name up in lights again by scoring a couple and assisting some too, but
became the nearly-kid after a near-miss and some mishit deliveries. Scuttles across the turf at pace like a sand-running desert lizard, drawing cloggers into useful fouls, or gliding into dangerous areas. Add the extra-dimension of the ability to serve up a killer cross and he’ll be a superstar.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – Well, if that overhead/hitchkick had produced the goal the inventiveness and acrobatics deserved, you’d all be screaming like wee chicks at a K-Pop gig. The touch is missing but the willingness to commit to fruitless labour isn’t as he put in a 90 minutes of perpetual motion that had
Duracell offering sponsorship and Tesla naming a new battery after him.
NOTEBOOK – 5.5/10 – He’s going through an introspective phase. It’s the Andrew Ridgeley concept album inspired by The Unbearable Lightness Of Being novel he read backpacking around Polynesia. So we’re going to just let him get it out of his system and hope he gets back to lighting up the charts with fresh, exciting performances through the countdown to death or glory.
SUBS:
BITTON – 6/10 – Never more or less than assured and steady; precisely the character required to introduce in such circumstances.
ROGIC – 7/10 – It’s 32-a-side in the school playground and the game’s balanced on a knife edge at 18-17.
Then one of the big kids lumbers up, demands to play and just takes the ball off everyone until his side’s so far ahead the score’s forgotten and nobody can do more than chase him around hoping for a wee toe-poke at the ball or maybe a sly spit on the back of his jersey. Yup. Oz last night.
KARAOKE – N/A – Great to see the kid back in action, and he looks twice the size. Also, comically booked by for…’Reasons’.
JAMESY – N/A – On with more verve than recently. But the abject shock on female faces around the stadium as somebody called Pansy put in a clumsy tackle in the box and Jamesy – incredibly – Didn’t. Go. Down…Ladies…
TAMAGOTCHI – N/A – Nice to see him back too. A magnet for violence; 3 minutes on the park, kicked and smacked in the face. Play him up front with Kyogo, absorb flak.
ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – A fortifying win for Ange; Buckfast moment. Method proven. Tactics proven. Changes
impactful. He’s never been in this position before – a title countdown of such intensity that we may have to sign Carol Vorderman on loan. But, for sure, he’ll adapt quick and begin to relish the pressure. That comes next with the hoodoo of voodoos at the place every football purist detests. We’ll be grimacing through the Sabbath no doubt, but the big man will be right there on the side like a rock demanding his Bhoys stick to their guns, heed his mantra, go again. Fingers crossed.
MIBBERY – 4/10 – Sly and erratic. Booked the Celtic captain – always a winner in the goat lottery that one. Not much else he could do to stop the Hoops turning them over, but did manage a classic MIB yellow at the end to elicit a murmured, respectful round of applause down the ludges.
OVERALL – 7/10 – Phew. Every Day Is Like Sunday, sung Morrisey, and by half-time we realised where he’d found
the inspiration for that one. When you get a free-kick 25 yards out in the 2nd minute and don’t try to test their nervy keeper you know it could be a long night. Instead of a purposeful strike, we conjured up some elaborate falafel of a move that had the same effect as throwing handfuls of glitter and fairy dust at their glowering orc/hipster hybrids in defence and hoping they might sneeze one in for us.
That set the tone for a first 45 which played out like a reboot of Hibs, bar the one optimistic factor – we were moving the ball quicker on a better surface. Then the dividends paid out as our rewards for persistence and finally putting the ball in the mix properly, resulted in what was a comfortable win in the end. Our centre half pairing turned into a striking partnership and our skipper scored an insurance goal with the old pass-it-into-the-net fakeout as the keeper and defenders flurried expecting a blast.
Nine to go. Eight wins for the title. 720 minutes from an unlikely triumph we could only grasp at with undiluted hopium back in September. There’s still a lot of football to be played, but these boys have put themselves in that position and I doubt they’re prepared to relinquish the opportunity without thrills and spills aplenty.
So enjoy Broony going loco with a chainsaw on Saturday afternoon, before the Sunday noon special – Livi away; the footballing equivalent of root canal. Let’s hope they swap the lidocaine for cocaine and LSD this time and just for once the creeping dread turns into a rollocking trip to living Legoland.
Go Away Now
Sandman
Erudite yet concise, and funny.
Maeda very poor imho. Just because he chased down defenders like a Jack Russell doesnae mean pass marks in my book. His touch was terrible & he dosnae make attackin runs as he should. I’d rather less defensive runs & more in attack & maybe he’d actually threaten teams. He has been VERY under-whelming since signing & nowhere near what we have all seen of him on youtube. Abada central at the moment would be MUCH better imo