Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v The Plastic Population

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS – CELTIC v THE PLASTIC POPULATION…

“We find it outrageous, and an insult. Bernard Cribbens, former Hotel Inspector and Womble, should never be allowed to take control of security at Celtic Park. Wimbledon common is a mess.” Green Brigade statement, pre-amendment.

ROXIE – 6/10 – A frustrated spectator, like the rest of us. Quite surprised not to see him in their box for the last five minutes. Probably should have taken the penalty…

TONY THE TIGER – 7.5/10 MOTM – Is there anything Tony can’t do these days? Ronalsto on the wing, Larsston in the area. Numerous variety of crosses, denied a beautiful finish by one of Livi’s three hundred Spartans at the back. The Tiger growled from the first to the last, and he’ll still be growling into the mirror.

STAR LORD – 6.5/10 – No racoons required. A competent and confident display, garnished by his finest touch in a Celtic jersey – skilfully pulling a high ball down under pressure and dispatching a pass to safety. In the act of which, he injured himself… Racoon rolls eyes.

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Bounced a few of them off him who were getting in the way of his most heavy involvement in a game. Saw more of the ball than the strikers as he strode forward in possession towards their black shirted wall. Ended up a defensive mid, saying all about our dominance.

JURAN JURAN – 6/10 – Mysteries of Celtic #1 – when does the proven penalty-taker not take a penalty?
A – When it’s possibly the winning kick deep in injury time. Re-phrase the question: When SHOULD the proven penalty-taker take a penalty? A – When it’s possibly the winning kick deep in injury time. Don’t shirk it. Demand it. Take it. Score? Validated. Miss? Well, at least you followed logic through. Sheesh.

CALMAC – 7/10 – Higher role for the Delightful Dictator, but even with his ken we couldn’t find a chink of light amid the dark ranks of diligent drones they amassed across their box.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 6/10 – Fruitless endeavour, but still actual endeavour – no more hiding from him, it seems, as he did try every guileful trick he could muster to open something up for us, and kept at it to no avail.

BITTON – 6.5/10 – A useful cog to fit in the wheel in the absence of Oz. Allowed Calmac more freedom while adding his own deft abilities. So close when his touch failed him first-half, maintained momentum through the second, covering the vacated Star Lord position when required.

NOTEBOOK – 6/10 – So promising and electric for much of proceedings. Lit the place up with a couple of pieces of YouTube highlight reel skill. But his real impact was expected when they tired. Trouble was, he tired with them, lost a bit of Faith and we lost an energising match-winner.

ABADASS – 5/10 – It just wouldn’t flow for him. Plenty of promise as he buzzed around but he could not find a decent final ball or make the same impact as we’ve seen in previous home games.

SON OF JACKIE – 4/10 – Mysteries of Celtic #2 – Why? Just, why? Why does the striker who’s had an off-day, not being in the right place at the right time, hustled out his stride by two big beasts at the back, get to take the crucial kick? The answer to his insistence at that pivotal moment was, ‘Hiss. Off’. In Croatian. Compounded his nightmare after messing up the weekend by not reacting quicker to poke in a winner and compensate everyone..

SUBS:

MR.KOBAYASHI – 6.5/10 – On he came with great hope. Would he nip (Don’t…) in to nick a winner? Would he dazzle with quick feet and smash home a stunner? Nope, he’d get a clip round the heid and collapse for a pen. Fair enough. Japanese culture and all that.

MIKEY J – 5/10 – Goddamnit, Mikey, you were brought on to offer something different, something more direct and dynamic to test their weary legs. Not to check back continually to the starting point like a scratched vinyl record of a bad 80s chart mix.

JAMESY – N/A – Too little, on too late. Not really seen. Although the first thing he did as he entered the park was pull his top right up to bare his belly. I looked away, thankfully missing what inevitably followed.

ANITA DOBSON – 6/10 – Well, Angeball gets called into question again. After such a good run as well. Were we not direct enough? Did he insist on too much play and not enough drive? Variety in our attacks? So many questions around so much frustration. Me, I’ve only got one qualm about Ange today – a discipline question; he’s got to be the man who calls the shots. The penalty-taker has to be the penalty-taker, full stop. Not whoever fancies it.

It’s a minor point but a major factor when moments like today occur. I did not expect Ange to let the players decide among themselves. One thing you need in such dramatic circumstance is clarity; the designated penalty-taker steps up to take the pressure and the glory or ignomy. That way there’s no repercussions or recriminations. Disappointed with that today, Ange.

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Well, how interesting we got the baldy whistler  himself, former ‘Salmon Leap’ deviant pub bus convener and season-ticket holder, Bobby Madun. Tired though he was after being up late the past two nights jerking to replays of the Rangers penalty award while he sexted with Beaton, Bobby soon got a sniff of Celtic frustration and was well into his stride, denying clear fouls and breaking up play like a master goat-worrier.

Must have thought he’d managed a brave result only to see his world crumble before his eyes when Kyogo got
inexplicably lynched. But big Jackie soon put the twisted smile back on his ned coupon.

OVERALL – 6/10 – It’s Uptober, foloks! Well, it was. Now it’s just a Halloween horrorshow. The momentum of away triumphs at the Sheep, Junkies and Lanarkshire skittered by a blunt performance against the official new bogey team. 85% possession and barely a clear-cut chance to show. A lifesaving late penalty squandered. Beat Livingston at home to go top of the league and have them  play under a leaden cloud of pressure from their grunting, squawking hordes. And we squandered it.

Such games pop up now and then, when you just cannot see a way to a victory but hope to Ghod some magician in the Hoops can. Rarely does the frustration also get compounded by squandering a gift to win. But that’s how it went. So October ends in angst and rage and remorse. A big title-race moment squandered as we toiled and crabbed it side-to-side and never really injected the killer bursts of pace and movement that we expect from this fluid Celtic side.

Livingston defended like Spartans and we couldn’t get as much as a spear through their tight-packed defensive unit/shield wall. We never introduced enough variety to give them something to think about; even with twin strikers, we still had Koyogo dropping off the front rather than going in amongst them to shake it up with his movement. Sometimes we’re too nice in situations like this, playing football in front of them at their penalty area instead of peppering in cross after cross from deep and forcing them to defend for their lives on their six-yard line.

But, y’know, just…Heaven’s sake. Of all games to blow. We suck it up and move on. And I’ll take the next penalty, if that’s okay. And they’re all so nice they might even think about it. “No! Beat it, Sandman! We’ve got a penalty-taker!”; That’s what I want to hear.

Go Away Now.

Sandman

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor David Faulds has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email editor@thecelticstar.co.uk

1 Comment

  1. As you should know by now the manager had informed the players a while ago who the penalty takers will be.