Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Verminous Trampitude


“Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them –  a desire, a dream, a vision” 

– Mahatma Gandhi

Joe Hart of Celtic arrives at the stadium prior to the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Rangers at Celtic Park on May 01, 2022 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

ROXIE – 8/10 – The show-stopping showgirl. Where do you start? The comedy slip that had you soiling yourself? Urgency to keep the game going late on when everyone’s screaming at him to take it easy? Nah, let’s just focus on the Skelping Save Of The Season – As vital to the cause as any striker’s poached winner: Incredible instinctive anticipation to prevent the anonymous Arsefeeler imitating yet another fantasy shipyard commander, and snuff out the last candle of title hope in the stygian darkness of Mordor. There’s only one salute due from that moment and it’s a Hail Cesar for the Celtic keeper.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Stop trying to be a footballer, and focus on the baking…No, the simple things, mean. Rocky as a phished mountain goat for the first twenty then got back to basics and was solid until the last scramble when everyone seemed afflicted by some amateur theatrical stage play farce syndrome.

STAR LORD – 8/10 – Over that tumultuous atmosphere one ratchety racoon voice could be heard squealing itself hoarse as Star Lord threatened to implode with a ubiquitous selling of the jerseys as we struggled to kick into gear. But the Green Brigade knew different – today’s tifo had a Peaky Blinder centrepiece and, remarkably, he shook off the psychotic jabberings and the Shelby swagger came into play.

For the most part he was terrific, save for the last period when Sakala ran him ragged; too exposed and not tight enough, yet not entirely his responsibility. What he did excel at was winning crosses – not an Attilian heid met anything with potency as Star Lord got his timing perfect and dominated interceptions.

Joe Aribo of Rangers jumps for the ball with Cameron Carter-Vickers of Celtic during the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Rangers at Celtic Park on May 01, 2022 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GET CARTER – 7/10 – The Big Mhan is feeling the heat. Looked more weary than usual as the game dragged on and he had pace to cope with. Had cleaned out the big Haribo Jelly comfortably throughout, but the Fashion Victim’s running took its toll on his lumberjack legs and as we fell too deep he was troubled by direct runs. But he’s not out of shape, because that’s his job, and he powered through to the death.

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – Ah, Tony under pressure but coping is a fine sight. He had the measure of the Kamp Kapo after an early skinning; Shuffled him inside most of the game until tiring pistons had him on late retreat. A difficult defensive shift indeed as Borat roved up the left too, putting Tony under the most stress any Celtic full-back’s been required to face in some time. He coped through sheer focus and workrate, unable to offer much attacking threat, but compensated that frustration with a decent attempt at fracturing Arsebandit’s metatarsil.

CALMAC – 8.5/10 MOTM – This is the difference; A mhan like this in the centre midfield, able to conduct the orchestra when the symphony is swelling in delightful waves of offense, BUT – and today THE epitome of it – exhibit the mindset of a champion when duff notes are being hit consistently and the audience are emotionally fraught. TWO tackles of matchwinning endeavour – One in particular as roving RKent boy skipped away from tired legs and bore down on our box – best tackle I’ve seen in YEARS given the moment, the occasion and the skipper’s starting position. Not only felled the emaciated junkie male escort but took the ball from behind as well. When he lifts that League Title trophy, it’ll be one of the most deserving pair of hands ever laid on it.

THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – A surprise starter? To me, yes. Fury of the game isolated him early on, but the kid’s got the class to ease himself in through footballing ability and he did so pretty competently as we began to get a grip.Exited leaving the notion that there’s more in the repertoire but that will come. There’s a Rogic-eqsue-skelper emerging in the next few seasons.

HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – A tired Japanese Bhoy. But for a good time he looked mentally alert enough to repeat February heroics. Became apparent the muscles were just out of synch with the synapses and a few flicks and tricks failed to come off. With a proper rest, I’d expect Iniesta to be bang-on about his class. (Best player he’d seen in the J-League, fyi).

NOTEBOOK – 7.5/10 – Finally, and so nearly, he gets to be the Skelper we knew he was. Denied the ultimate accolade as points shared but becomes another ghost to haunt the nightmares of Borat, crooning ‘Bay-by, I’m your man!” in his ear as he swooped in past him to notch the vital opener. Looked really dangerous, setting up, whizzing around. But missed a sitter and faded second-half with the collective.

MR.KOBAYASHI – 5.5/10 – ‘Play Kyogo!’ we yelled. ‘And give him some service!’ we should have also yelled. So the wee mhan toiled and troubled and is probably still waiting on a cross or through-ball meant for him. Next time, Kyogo-San, Skelping legend you will be.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – Thank Ghod they dragged him out of the showers after the game as he attempted Hari-Kari with his antique samurai blade. A stunning first-half left Tavpen with more blisters than a Hiroshima survivor and teed up our goal with an incisive bit of two-footed excellence. But he missed THE chances to seal the title; smashed over our only real attempt of the second 45 when it looked easier to hit the target, and of course, THAT header – spooked out of it by Satan’s Satyr when any half-decent connection won it all. Only thing you can excuse it with, is that in Japan he never had to compete for a cross whilst also worrying about being indecently assaulted…


ROGIC – 6/10 – Belated entry for a Skleper of renown. A starter, for my buck’s worth, but what the hell do I know Nod along all you like but you’re the one who’s read this bollocks all the way down here. I just rattle it out… ;)) Anyway, on he came and for 5 minutes looked like he’d inflict more pain until lapses at the back turned the momentum towards the Dark Side. Still salvaged some threat after that with deft touches but the onus was more on holding out.

BLOCKCHAIN – 5.5/10 – The perfect foil to throw in, but maybe too late to the party to stem the turning tide. Yet, was reliable a few times to steady the ship, and nerves.

SON OF JACKIE – 6.5/10 – On came the berserker to rough up the uglies. And he didn’t disappoint. They just hate his physicality. Drew a yellow from the MIB, nearly got on the end of cutbacks; really would have been Xmas to see this maniac score the winner.

ABADASS – 6/10 – The flighty desert lizard scampered on and scampered around, terrifying Borat and almost notching another in his young Skleping career, but for a stride too early and a flag too late.

(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – Strewth. Angeball did the damage, only functioning for around a third of the contest as they went at it, appeared surrendered, then resurged in a last desperate attempt to thwart his glorious inaugural triumph. I’m still surprised he let fellow surfer Oz languish on the bench instead of asking him to burn out and torch the Bears first.

But the boss knows best and got the result we’d all have taken beyond the title-winning scudding we craved. His astonishing revamp of a decimated squad and style of play is baked to a delicious consistency and now just requires the icing to completely dispel the dour Calvinist litany that you can’t have yer cake and eat it. If your heartbeat is Celtic, and you’ve got Ange, screw that anachronistic old Zombie ideology – ye can!

MIBBERY – 2/10 – A no-win situation for him. Alas, he failed to impose himself in the manner of his fevered dreams. It’ll be like Deliverance in the toilets of the Bellshill Bar tonight. Not much different to any other night, to be honest, but centre of attention this evening will be a celebrity referee squealing like a pig in his pleas for

“You sure looked mighty purty in ’em taight little shawrts lettin’ ’em Bhoys off, maynnn…” will probably be the last words he hears above his own screaming.

#Pray for Johnny

Scotland’s Shame

OVERALL – 7/10 – Well, well, well.. . A polis special; a goal each and a draw; nothing decided… Weeelll…

… Except for the fun part that we’re a single win from the title and the filthy animals couldn’t behave themselves in Paradise again as they watched their empty-stadium-asterisk-covid-cup-pretendy-title slide away from their foetid grasping claws. Once reality will sinks home the Govan Zoo will be like Jurassic Park as mayhem breaks loose and the genetic freaks run riot.


Looked as if we could finish them off like a Mortal Combat foe after we shook off hangovers and got the game under our power. But hellish finishing kept the cellar door open just a chink and the horrors emerged with nothing to lose, finding the dark energy to propel towards an unlikely win that may have cast unease over championship expectations. But, times of turmoil produce heroes – big beautiful Joe stole the limelight and our captain showed he might have even been able to save the Titanic with a midfield effort of such stoic, battling resistance that Gerry Butler stepped aside to offer him the King Leonidis role. (‘300’, film illiterates…)

So we’re on the verge of one of the most unlikely championships of my days, one that will be all the sweeter for the hubris, bigotry, and complete degeneracy that’s slimed its way out of the Kultchur Wasteland over the past season.

Three points is all we really need, barring 10-0 pumpings either way. I hope we slaughter the Diets properly next week, then spend the last 2 games kicking the  ball into our own net every time we hear they’ve scored, just to ramp up the hateful bar stewtards’ anguish to maximum…

Go Away Now


About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

1 Comment

  1. Rabbie Burns on

    Starfelt made sone good interceptions, but his passing & decision making when in possession are as awful as any £4 million player in the entitre history of the world.
    We need better there & at both full back positions .. & we should try & get Solbakken whether Jota stays or not.
    We didn’t lose & I’d have taken that before the game.. but, shouldae been 3/4 nil up after an awful start. Hatate needs rested (2 games ago), Rogic was awful. Jota & Calmac won that for us.Big Giakou shouldae started tae.