Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Walter White’s XI


“What have the Celts ever done that we haven’t, eh?”
– ‘Won the European Cup.’

“Yeah but apart from that?”
– ‘Won yet another treble.’

“Yeeeehh.. But outwith those things?”
– ‘Pumped us in everygame that mattered.”

“Aye, eh, but if you didn’t count them matches…”
– ‘Outspent, outplayed, out-thought, outearned us.’

“Right you, beat it, you’re out…”

– Monty Python; ‘We Arra Peepils Front Of Judea’ sketch.

ROXIE – 6/10 – Bizarrely caught out for the opener as he went down like a tranquilised King Kong. Looked unsettled by the makeshift central defence and a somewhat less than disciplined backline seemingly drawn by Stevie Wonder.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 5.5/10 – Misfiring passes the order of the day and Greggs had his own share as he gave his usual 100% but caught the deftless bug riddling the squad.

STAR LORD – 6.5/10 – Pretty decent given the WWF wrestler he had to counter but lost that battle and a couple of
goals to boot. Not really his job, though, and Starlord was forced into combat more than desired due to the unusual presence of…

TONIO IWATAO – 4/10 – “Me? But don’t you mean the other Ja…” ‘No, mayte – yer in besoide Carl.’ And as Tonio’s interpreter attempted to translate a brief synopsis of how to play centre half, a confused DM took to the park to try out at CB. Accomplished in the middle doesn’t mean accomplished at the back. Different energy required; And he mostly got his battered out of him by Paisley’s Vin Paraffin.

TONY THE TIGER – 5/10 – Grim was the Tiger’s set today, and grim it stayed. Howler to concede the first, but those Savannah wildebeast-outpacing-the-lioness runs of his were in plentiful supply and may have won the day if it weren’t for his cursed final ball, almost every time.

Callum McGregor of Celtic celebrates after scoring his team’s second goal during the Celtic vs St Mirren Cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park on May 20, 2023. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 5.5/10 – Good grief; couldn’t complete a pass to save his skin but completed a gorgeous guided, gilded, calculated strike to save the day and get pass marks for eventual sheer class overcoming his 90 minutes of tortuous abstraction.

Matt O’Riley of Celtic controls the ball during the Celtic vs St Mirren Cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park on May 20, 2023 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE BUILDER – 6/10 – I thought the construction kid was pretty decent – runs were great but service invisible, touch and passing better than most, and he was in about them with a fiesty spirit.

HAKUNA HATATE – 4.5/10 – Reo still a way, way back from top form after injury; lost in the Mordor murk last week, moved with more clarity today, yet for all his toil, the only moment of quality we saw was the shuffle onto Kyogo for the first equaliser.

GLASGOW SCOTLAND – MAY 20: Kyogo Furuhashi of Celtic reacts at full time during the Celtic vs St Mirren Cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park on May 20, 2023 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – Daizen’s Daizen, folks. Perpetual motion, speedboat lacking a rudder, but always on the verge of destruction – the volatility of his crosses is breathtaking, from stinging the Zombies at Hampden to lobbing a grenade into the Jock Stein today. All might have been forgiven had he prodded in the easiest chance
of the day at the back post but it was too far out for him to be sure…

KILLER MUSHROOM – 7/10 MOTM – Give me ball, I score goals. Yes you do. And yes we did. And yes, YOU did. Brilliantly, spectacularly. And you might have thought the rest of them realised they were onto something here, but, no – and the service dried up like the stripper who realised she’s been hired for Allan McGregor’s leaving do.

NOTEBOOK – 6/10 – Effervescent, but ever-frustrated. Twisty-turny, dancy, jingly, tweaky – Jota tried it all to pick their lock and may have succeeded if he could have shaken the curse of the final ball that hung over Paradise this gloomy afternoon.


OH BHOY – 6/10 – Oh, damn. Almost yet another sensational entry for the Korean Gerd Muller; swivel and smack and scorned by the post. Despite the lamenting of the departure of the big Greek mercenary, Oh’s knack of appearing late in the game and getting on the end of a chance/creating one, must be about as good. A slight shift in luck and his record will be fire.

ABADASS – 5.5/10 – Lively and intense, and for a brief time it looked like he’d do some match-winning damage.

GLASGOW SCOTLAND – MAY 20: Callum McGregor of Celtic celebrates after scoring his team’s second goal during the Celtic vs St Mirren Cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park on May 20, 2023 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

HACKY SACK – 5.5/10 – Straight onto the ball and as above, appeared in heroic mood. However, even he couldn’t find that killer pass or strike to break through their block.

ANITA DOBSON – 6/10 – ‘Ach, ask me how many flecks I give, mayte,’ seemed the residue of another fruitless struggle to eviscerate SPL stoics. Ange knows his Bhoys did it when it mattered and today, though going full-Mowbray, knew too that Angeball wasn’t going to reap results. Japanese for Japanese at Centre-back hadn’t worked and the conductor of his orchestra was flailing about the midfield, unable to get his act together, causing all sorts of bum notes. Doubt the big mhan will lose much sleep over routine league countdown dead rubbers; just hope he can tune them back in to pump the monster-hiders.

MIBBERY – 5/10 – “Quick, draw a line aff McGregor’s heel! A squinty wan! Aye, that’ll dae…Onside! Goal!” They gave it up weeks ago but suspicions will remain as we watch for skullduggery practice in advance of next season.

OVERALL – 5.5/10 – Meh. Pretty tepid affair, the Hoops in sleep mode first half then sparking a bit to stage a comeback late on. St.Mirren, under Baldricks’ command, have proven our most troublesome domestic opponent this season – yes, the stats don’t lie, interloping Zombies – and today they were well-drilled, keen to counter and ‘physically competitive’. Deserved their point; and being kind, gave us a decent workout to remind the players they need to raise levels for the big finale.

Highlight of the day was seeing big Jozo in the stand; might have even thrown him in at centre-half as ‘trialist’. Obviously timing a visit over to catch Kenny Miller. Literally; Should be approaching re-entry any day now.

So on we go to Junkietown then it’s trophy day – a sweet week ahead. And a fortnight of glory if all goes well on the Treble 3rd. Silver polish on order. Or we could borrow the Zombies’. Not like they’re going to need it anytime soon.

Go Away Now


About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

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