Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Wee Jum’s Arabs. Now for The Trip to Jurassic Park

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v WEE JUM’S ARABS

“My finest moment as United manager? Dropping and fining Duncan Ferguson, the big, thicko.” Wee Jum McLean. RIP

B.A.BARKAS – 6/10

A return to the ring. Sparring for the big Saturday knockout? Nothing much to test him all first half, though his handling was confident and he threw a nice dummy early on way out his box. Then came the one on one and… Well, I reckon he did enough to temper the velocity of the clip and allow JC to get back in time, so kudos where it’s due. But a journey into the Heart Of Darkness will test the mettle of any man and it may be the making of him.

AJER – 7.5/10

A brawy northman warrior in his baw-freezing element – good warm-up (or chill-down) for him alongside J.C;
fantastic surging run that should have resulted in a goal but for Calmac channelling Greggs. Looks sharp and eager for battle. I expect his kill-rate to have risen by the 3rd and songs being sung about him in Valhalla.

DREXL – 6/10

Looking like the spot will be his to lose, thrown back in with weekend hostilities in mind. Enthusiastic as ever,
like a true mercenary who’s found a cause to fight for. Nothing spectacular, today, but one you can count on.

JULLIEN CLARY – 6.5/10

Bar Stewart. The universe strikes in favour of The Scourge again at the death of 2020. Just as we’re looking settled at the back, the big French skelper skelps a post making a heroic Sunday League nail-biter of a clearance and the stretcher got a taste of Gallic culture. Cross les fingers.

PINGPONG – 6.5/10

Getting better with every game in that role. Now producing the consistent electric byline bursts we’ve longed for.But his final pass still mostly remains as unpredictable as the destination of a table-tennis ball fired hands-free across a raucous Bangkok backstreet bar.

MAN OF – 8.5/10 MOTM

Foot like a traction engine! Looks like the Black Panther and produced a superhero display. Popped up just in the nick of time to Naka-in a stunning opener and ease frustrations. What most impressed was his second-half intensity as Calmac and Corpus became shadows for a spell; Soro was ubiquitous, breaking-up Arab hopes and prompting Celtic into life again. Mostly controlled the game on his own until we got back in gear.  He must play from the start against the Zombies and I think he will. Surely? C’mon, Lenonny…

EDDIE TURNBULL – 8/10

Foot like a stairlift transformer! Closing in on his telegram from the reptile overlord, the 2021 bets are on!: Who’ll die first, Eddie or Prince Phillip? Eddie’s certainly looking more full of life than his early Celtic days as he fits into the dangerous drifter role easy as a fresh bullet clip into Drexl’s Glock. And as we scrapped for a second, Eddie pulled the trigger to put us in cruise mode. Nearly had two but for a fine save. He finds those gaps and looks quality. More, please.

CALMAC – 6.5/10

A misfit day from Captain Calmac. Instrumental in early domination, yet his passing was never top-notch as usual. Took a break after half-time but resurgent to help seal points. However, he looks like only a mild adjustment away from scintillating form.

CORPUS CHRISTIE – 6/10

Heavy birthday celebrations took their toll as we witnessed the fading Christmas light that is Corpus soon as the going got a little sticky after the break. He was lively and incise early on but the above is worrying and that lack of reliability generates unease across the side. Let’s hope that if he starts on the 2nd he’s involved and on form from the first whistle or I fear we’ll be scanning the murk of that zombie graveyard for the Ghost of Xmas past.

GRIFF – 6.5/10

Not quite on it today. Never got his eye in or his range sorted. ‘Busy’ Christmas took its toll. Ladies… That full volley early on is a glorious goal if it goes in but on an off-day like this it’s a missed sitter. Yet his partnership
with Eddy produces marvellous moments like his clipped ball for the third. Saturday will be faced with relish. Savage them, Griff.

FRENCH EDDY – 7.5/10

Who complains about work-rate? Invigorated by having a load-bearing compadre taking some heat off, though corralled, Eddy looks more up for it than ever; Almost as if Griff has been taking him out cruising for chicks…At any rate, no sulking amid multiple tangerine jerseys – he continually appeared deep to unsettle United as they tried to play out, and his effort was rewarded with a YouTube highlights reel goal of exquisite delicacy.

SUBS:

BITTON – 6/10

Much to Kristiano Ajer’s relief the snake-hipped assassin appeared instead of a more cloven-hoofed replacement. And he had Gollum edging when he chucked down a United striker. That was a ‘Mordor 2-penner’ as they say in refereeing circles. But somehow the obsequious whistler agreed with glowering Nir. Probably soiled himself.

THE YETI – N/A – Charged around then fell around their 6 yard box when he might have expected to score; then again you got to guess what the hell Pingpong’s going to do…

ROGIC – N/A –  It’s sunny, Oz, so on ye go. ‘Fooled me again…’ Magic in those flip-flops. Will change up game Saturday.

BROON – N/A – The White Soro. Hoping the Kapitan provides a similar late cameo on Saturday for Colin-Nish-taking purposes.

ELSHAGYONLASSIE – 6/10 –  Getting utilised properly now – as a late sub when the incumbent squad have done the job. Added some flourish, then shot by Drexl.

LENNONY – 7.5/10

Analysis, Lennony?: Today’s team starts Saturday and that’s all I’m sayin’. Don’t over-think it. Don’t under-think it.
Don’t even think it. Just go do it.

OVERALL – 8/10

‘If you try sometimes, you get what you need.’ Exactly, Mick. And today was prescription Celtic before a must-win trip to Jurassic Park. Most impressive was the levels of intensity we managed against a stoic, packed rearguard who lurched around and about their own box, blocking space, resembling a 12th July Walk on quaaludes. The job was gilded by three cracking goals and soured by an injury that may prove crucial. We will live in hope into the
New Year.

Have a good one, you maniacs, and pray the day after New Year’s Day is another Christmas Day and not Black Xmas 3.

Go Away now 2020.

Sandman