Sandman’s Definitive Ratings: Celtic v You Again? Scottish Cup 5th Round


“Not even Batman hud tae face Bane three times in ten days.

Wid you like it?

The boys wur chicken, an’ I got stick for no kickin’ any Tims but yon Bane

hud said enough; he threatened to shave me – all over.”

Scrofulous junkie-wastrel grease-haired thug Murray Davidson speaking through the curtains of his Mammy’s hoose.

“Eeeeeyyyyy, fzzzzzt! 3 gaymes, an fookin 2 gaymmmesss, NNnngggghmmmnnnnn! Eeeeeyeeeeee, foooooookin eeeeeyeee!
Fzzzzzzt, eeeeyeeeee, raaaaayyyygin’!”

What’s that, Stevie G? Little Tommy’s trapped down the well? Lead the way!

“How many times have you woken up and prayed for the rain?
How many times have you seen the papers apportion the blame?
Who gets to say?
Who gets to work and who gets to play?
I was always told at school, everybody should get the same

It’s always tHe Ones
Mm-hmm, it’s always tHe Ones
Always, always (always tHe Ones).”

The Stranglers: ‘Always tHe Ones.’

BANE – 8/10

Wonderful save to keep us at 2-0. Quick down to his right to knock it round the post. Although he papped a ball out of play on the left, he made a pass on the 29th minute wide-right, curving a ball out to the wing, that immediately put him in as our third-choice midfielder.

Keeping Big Craig on the bench and our defence on their toes.

TOEJAM – 7/10

He’s accomplished – a classically German all-round footballer with little or no weakness that we’ve seen to date. Another performance that makes us – and him – think it’s too damn easy.

HAYES – 7/10

From the battlefields of the First World War to left-back at Celtic Park – a century of struggle has not been easy on Jonny and it shows…

Yet, beside his Tommy-in-a-tight-spot demeanour he put in a sterling performance, taking it, giving it, creating it. Set up a goal, caused general havoc rampaging after Sincy down the wing. Off back to fight the Kaiser with a spring in his step.

BOYATA – 7/10

Still here? Of course he is – and BR’s milking his enthusiasm for a deal. No-nonsense from our favourite saboteur today, kept it tight and simple. And that’s the way it must remain…

JOZO – 7/10

No need for a repeat of the ‘Gulag good morning’ greeting dished out to Shaw of Hibs; Nobody to keep in line as St.Johnstone went with Anonymous up front for the first half-hour. Then pressed into defending a flurry of corners and did so to maximum effect.

However, boredom had set in by then and the sinewy psychopath defferred to the Praetorian guard for the second half. Saving him for Valencia or injury? Unknown at the time of bullshitting.


Channelling Tommy Genmmell, Captain Marvel continued his phoenix-like rise back to universally-accepted greatness by attempting to chip the keeper from 30 yards.

He miscued and fired an exocet into the top corner which had NATO on defcon 5 for the following half hour.

A flare of 70s South Amrican retro brilliance – that had Tommy Wright reaching for the specs he robbed off Buddy Holly’s grave in disbelief – amid a dazzling sun-storm of a performance from Broon in which he stifled every opposition foray and built Celtic’s dominance. He’s a mhan on a mission; Pray you’re not the objective.

CALMAC – 6/10

A quiet day-off after a busy opening quarter in which he reprised his torment of the Perth side. After that, not much left for Calmac to do except tidy up and patrol the midfield like a fastidious housekeeper from Brideshead Revisited. Well rested and prepped for the visit of Valencia, one hopes.


The energy of Corpus not really required either as our fleet-footed wunderkind blew St.J away early on. He was always there or thereabouts but to no great effect. And not to worry- off early second half and another okay to give the Spanish citrus growers a game.

FORREST – 7/10

An unexpected appearance after the hamstring drama of Perth. And the Prestwick Flying Flasher delivered with renewed menace – drawing possibly from Timo’s challenging wing-play in his absence, Jamesy roved like a Tasmanian Devil in heat, giving the defence no peace, tearing them up down and sideways, nailing another goal against them and generally looking mad for it. All pubs in Prestwick shut at 6pm.

BURKE – 8.5/10

A wonderful bittersweet presence. Jersey thief and burgeoning hero in one juxtaposed rumbling bundle of kinetic persistence.

Big Snatch – Ladies… – has a turn of pace about him, too, spending his afternoon as facilitator rather than goalscorer for once, only halted in his tracks by a sore-one, achilles slashed across, unsurprisingly ‘unseen’ by idiot with whistle who gave a goal-kick.

Showcasing the ability that has already had multi-millions exchanged for his potential. Sadly, we will will not be the deserving benefactors. But there’s time enough for him to be remembered as a bustling Skelper.

SINCY – 9/10

Makes it look easy when he’s buzzing. Took the match ball home to sit on his mantlepiece beside Ricky Foster’s balls. Don’t know if Rosie Webster will approve, but she’s a bit of a roaster anyway and in love with Broony.

ONE – Where’s it going? Ha! Makes a quality keeper appear a befuddled doorman failing to keep out the riff-raff as Sincy does him at the near post with quick eyes and scintillating hairdo.

TWO – Can’t miss! Gifted a sitter by Big Snatch’s rampage, he taps in a second from Morelos-muffing distance.

THREE – Cless, man, cless… Takes a breaking ball in the box on the dummy, selling the defender eight yards out, switching back onto his right and whips it past the keeper. Cake iced.

Between the captain and Sincy, the boo-bhoys itinerary has been inverted and they’re reduced to poking a lame finger at KT and questioning his credentials as Green Brigade capo.
With the New Year has come the renaissance of Sonic The Hedgehog. From now until June, just give him the ball, give him backing, and let him off the leash.



Game all but done, nice warm-up for the dazzler as he opted for a reserved attacking-mid position; credit due to his humanity when spotting the teary eyes of the St.Js rearguard as he sauntered on.


Another to file in the ‘#prayforSt.Johnstone’ category as he played out the last twenty at half-pace without too much fuss.

Liberian guns stayed silent; Big George filling the tank barrels with citrus fruit in anticipation of Thursday.

AJER – 6/10

A return to the fray for the entire second-half as Jozo’s ‘weekend hire’ arrived early to fulfill her Sunday duties.
Big bhoy got back into it in his gigantic stride and showed there’s little need to worry about Dedryck’s looming departure.

BR – 8/10

Kept the focus and rhythm going, delivered the perfect cup performance; killed them early by pressing them into oblivion with TEMPO and persistence.

We were more direct and purposeful than the previous games against them and it paid off.

Now he ticks off yet another tricky domestic hurdle and can concentrate on the difficult week ahead – go all-in against Valencia or hold in reserve for the hazardous Killie expedition next Sunday?

OVERALL – 8/10

Made it look easy. But for the last fifteen minutes of the first-half St.Johnstone flurried and forced half-a-dozen corners, some last-ditch defending and a great save.

Put it into perspective a little how comprehensive a job the team has done against them over the past fortnight and indicated they might go to Mordor next week and put a major spanner in the cheating bams aspirations of adequacy.

Now we focus on the glamour of the Valencians (Star Trek fans, set phasers to stun…) and then the REAL big game – Killie on the plastic Beecher’s Brook our superstar studs have fallen at on a number of inopportune occassions in the past. A couple of Leipzig-at-home-quality repeats and we’ll be dancing like munchkins on angel dust.

Also on The Celtic Star…

“We bring confidence into Valencia game,” Brendan eyes Euro-Glory Night

Brilliant Burke, Broony and Scotty Sinclair shine as Celtic hammer St Johnstone

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

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