Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Like Maradona against the Belgians in the 1986 World Cup, but this was Broony

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v LEWIS HAMILTON

‘Do you know what a vegan is, Vincent?’
“Absolutely, I never missed an episode of Star Trek.”

Vincent Pinner.

“Well, she was just 17, if you know what I mean
And the way she looked was beyond compare
So how could I dance with another (Ooh)
When I saw her standing there”

The Beatles featuring Prince Andrew. Allegedly.

“EEehhh, we’re still top o’ de 90 minit leeeeege.
Eh, weeell, second…”

Slippy G

THE WALL – 7/10

One glimpse of the ball until the 60th minute as it sped past him for Hamilton’s equaliser. No it didn’t. One of those big bear paws clawed it off the line as everybody else in the stadium was jubilant at a Sheep goal 200 miles away, including most of our team. No wonder the lost pygmy tribes of Bavaria who worship him use the title, Der Konzentrierende Koloss (The concentrating Collosus). Aside from their eventual bloody goal, most energy he expounded all night was running the length of the park to hump Broony at the winner.

BAUER – 6/10

Dazzling blonde on the right! Is it Marylin?! Nah, it’s an Austrian full-back with a frustrating penchant for deliveries that look good but find nobody. Lacked a bit of composure and certainty in his play. Pingpong a cert for Sunday on this showing.

AJER – 6/10

Hoping for a goal or two, the Norseman was riding high on his glorious pass to Corpus on Sunday. Tonight, no joy. Too many trees and not enough hooped lumberjacks.His forward rampages rarely got further than halfway into opposition territory. Another who had to keep his wits about him to see out the game.

BITTON – 5.5/10

Throw in some class at centre-back and let him pick them open with his passing ability too. Didn’t work. Nir ended up more side-to-side than cutting swathes through their lines.

GREGGS – 6/10

He’s running on those Greggs festive bakes, relentless continuation of Sunday’s energetic support and recovery stints; got a Tierney-esque engine, this pastry prodigy. What we need to see is some deft ability to go with it. Didn’t happen for him tonight but he was busy enough.

SAM JACKSON – 5/10

No muthufin’ night for a sun-lovin’ Muthufa like this. Daym miserable weather freezin’ his knacks off – know what they call them in France? Baws. Still, Muthufa had the muthufin’ pleasure of bouncing around a solid defensive block searchin’ for some muthufin’ chinks o’ righteous light. And… nuthin’! Not a daym muthufin’ memory to take from this one. Ambled off like a sulkin’ Muthufa.

BROON – 8.5/10 MOTM

Like Maradona against the Belgians in the 1986 World Cup, but this was BRRRRROOOOOOONNNNNAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Bored, Broony? Wore the demeanour of a boxer at a charity do before the big fight. Knew he was in for a to-and-fro, ha’-penny-shove midfield drudge as we tried to break down a stubborn shower. Ended the game having to put in more effort than he wanted but stepped up like a legendary skipper to net the type of wonder goal that wins titles. Magnificent, Broony – now you can look forward to Moose Hunt Sunday.

CALMAC – 6.5/10

His 15-minute Christmas break was enjoyed thoroughly on Sunday, so it was back to the midweek grind and the lengthy lay-off (by his standards) paid dividends early when he slipped Freeman Jr. through for the shot that set-up Corpus’ opener. But his form is still in a lull – we’re not yet getting the flurry of passes that turn games and deliver goals. Hopefully very soon…

CORPUS CHRISTIE – 8/10

21 days until his birthday and the bhoy’s excited. Turned predator tonight to give us the lead, left the defenders snow-globe dizzy with his penetrating movement. Left his own players dizzy too, blocking Jamesy, nicking a finish off Freeman Jr. He’s everywhere… omnipotent, you might say. Thank his Da for that… (The other one, Charlie.) A night where his quality made up for too many absentees. A born match-winner. Again.

MORGAN FREEMAN JR. – 6/10

Is a manager’s pet for life or just Christmas? Three starts in a row for Son of Shawshank. His tight strike fell for our first and his Dad would be proud of the way he handled the physical ‘tight’ marking by Hamilton’s ‘Sisters’. But the was no spark second-half and he took his leave with chins still being scratched. Pencilled in the Sunday teamsheet? God, noooo…

FORREST – 5/10

Whit? Jamesy was playing? Let’s give our star man the benefit of the doubt and say he’s saving himself to upset his extended family this weekend with a man-of-the-match turn.Tonight, it was cul-de-sac Jamesy, then off-tae-feck jamesy.

SUBS:

MIKEY J – 6.5/10

Could he do it again? Gold. Gold! Always remember your so-ooouuulll… No. Cracked the post. Another saved. But… good, again.

GRIFF – 6.5/10

Searching for the goal, the ignition to get his Celtic career back on track. It’s not there yet, but what a take-down out of the sky to begin the move for the winner.

PINGPONG – N/A

Get on and warm up for Sunday, was the instruction. Secret Santa surprise for the kid as he got to be in and around the big moment.

LENNONY – 6/10

Looked defeated as his mix-up failed to satisfy the sweet-tooth, bludgeoning into the Hamilton block time and again. Couldn’t find the formula and had resigned himself to a bench grumble until his captain stole the show. Sunday, Lennony – get it right.

OVERALL – 7/10 from 5/10

‘Ach, just get it out the way,’ was the general sentiment this evening as the stench and sound of excited horribles rodgering each other senseless in orgiastic ‘battle ‘fever’ builds towards Sunday. And sometimes the Bhoys share the sentiment. So the inoffensive but occasionally awkward Lanarkshire Hoops got about us again as we served up another one of those early-goal coasting performances that stutters then backfires. Dreary, tempo-less performance. How about Sincy levered in for some telling class, Lennony? Whenever you get that ‘invincible’ sense, just shiver at Livi and nearly tonight – we need everyone at it to
work fluidly. Otherwise it’s down to the miraculous – and it was one of those moments that salvaged the hopes for NINE once again.

Who scored?? DON’T KNOW! Fell over my seat. How long’s left?? DON’T KNOW! I’m rolling on the floor laughing my arse off. Break an arm? DON’T CARE! Points in the bag, crazy-stylee? THAT’LL DO!

Oh, and LOL @ the Teddies. Watch this…

Go Away Now.

Sandman. Phew.

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email editor@thecelticstar.co.uk

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