Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Sheep penned in, Shay Logan, sounding like Gary Tank Commander


“Naw, Um no happy. Um nevur happy. Ah’ll no be happy til ra peepul win ra leeg again. So U’ll nevur be happy.
Right, ya c###?”

D.McInnes After-match interview.

“I’m livid, livid! That big Celtic blonde defender Ajer sweared a racialistic racialism at me! In Norwegian! He said, “Bitemabaws, yaweefanny!” And that’s Norwegian for racialisticism. I’m sure it is! Take my word for it, Ah widnae lie – pure racialisticism! That Broon’s a hunk tho’, isn’t he?”

S.Logan, sounding like Gary, Tank Commnder.

THE WALL – 6/10

Aggrieved to have been beaten by the only goal attempt they had all day. After watching us hit 90 shots, they fluke one in.That aside, managed to complete most of his online Christmas shopping on his phone while we played shooty-in.


As the backstreet bars of Bangkok are a mecca for a certain type of tourist, our little Thai-table-tennis-without-a-bat champion is becoming a magnet for our attacking build-up with his dynamism. Frustrated much of the game as they cottoned-on and closed down his effectiveness. But his consistency is remarkable and he remains
undaunted by the kind of grunting prison-rapists they threw in his way today.


Bearskelper to Sheepskelper. Got his eye in with one off the bar in 5 min. Then skipped one over the keeper to score minutes later. No messing. Strong to defy aerial threats, again timed his blocking and positioning perfectly. Got that job done well. Did more than his duty, again.

AJER – 7/10

Techno, techno, techno viking notice, young Ironside – takes more than a vicious assault by a lumbering Aberdonian war-giant to take out our young Viking king. Out-jumped for their goal, but never out-fought as he gave and took, set up for Eddy, drew the wrath of the lobotomised, drooling Frankenstein’s labrador and won the day. Difference in legitimate tackles was defined in ten seconds – beautiful take from Kris, then scythed by aforementioned goon who took man with ball, heavily. Fine 1980s agricultural challenge. Not in 2019. Refinement will come for the Viking kid you never quoted a year ago. Skol!

JAMIE FOXX – 6.5/10

Quietly smiled his way through the ninety. Unusually, managed to avoid the critique of the experts who reckon he’s duff, can’t pass, can’t defend, can’t… Well he can. Positives over negatives for the Foxx seldom out of the
opposition box. After sneaking his way into the first team via the early-season Sincy disguise, he just needs a dunt now and then to remind him he’s actually left-back.

BROON – 7.5/10

Growled his Bhoys back from the brink. An unhappy Broony at Christmas makes Edinburgh tremble, dislodges cobbles on the Royal Mile and has urchins scrambling for cover under the coat-tails of the Morningside gentry. Well the Broon backyard will be at peace this week as he records a crucial victory in a game he brought to bear that formidable id, when he really should have been cruising and possible resting on a five-goal lead.Still, Broony likes it tough; Keeps him tuned for battle.

CALMAC – 6/10

Went comfortably throught he motions for over an hour as we cried out for his signature guile. Was busy and tidy enough but not sharp enough to do real damage. Ultimately, he was not needed, so we await the return of the Podgy Pirlo to scintillating match winning form. Boxing Day and the 29th would align nicely with the stars.

SAM JACKSON – 6.5/10

Sheep comin’ to town, Muthas? We settin’ up some sort of God-Daym nativity here? Well I will be THE shepherd for these Muthas. I will lead them on a righteous path, only first I will lay down some vengeance upon that wolf amongst them. McInnes, Mutha, do you HEAR me? Well, he might have during that first half, the Mutha seemed right on it, but when we slowed the tempo, his influence fell away. Never regained it, Mutha off for Mikey J to be muthu….in ghost of Christmas past. Well, the Eighties…


Midweek birthday to come, looked like we needed some of his divine magic to save the day. His swashbuckling buckled today, the final ball and finish not quite there. But there’s plenty time for some festive season sensations from our Saviour in the coming week.

FORREST – 5/10

Far too excited by Santa’s imminent arrival to concentrate on his game. Getting out-winged by Pingpong, and it’s becoming a bit like Top Gun to see who’s the fastest flyer at Paradise. Jamesy by a flash, probably (Ladies…) but the wee mhan’s making up for the ineffective imp. You’ve got a week to sort it, Jamesy. Play with those presents and smash the selection boxes. Then get on yer new Xmas boots and Sellic strip and sicken yer extended family before the New Year party…

FRENCH EDDY – 6.5/10

FFS, Eddy! Stop trying to walk it in! Get him aff fur Griff! So went the rhetoric as the one you don’t need to sell your soul for – he’s already in you – entertained us through 65 minutes with his, ‘Look at me, I’m Morelos!’ Xmas party turn. Then he got back to business – could he step right up to the plate and ding a homer when we needed him? Is Ryan Kent allegedly guilty of throwing murdered corpses into ovens 70 years ago? Crisp one-two with Corpus and
slid home the winner like l’assassin he is. Suivant!


MIKEY J – 6.5/10

Xmas single out (his cover of The Human League’s 1981 festive number one, ‘Don’t You Want Me Lenny’), Mikey can concentrate on his game. Looked lively and inventive as ever when he appeared; jury was out on him for a while but
it’s beginning to look like a twelfth man ‘not guily’ verdict as he continues to mature and impress. One piece of conclusive evidence will suffice, Mikey – properly skelp the Rangers and you’re in the clear.


“I’ve been sh*ggin’ mair than sheep!” announced Griff to the Aberdeen defence as he appeared. Basically filled time as he waits on his last chance to prove his worth once more.


When you want somebody to amble at defences, Big Oz is yer man. Loped about a bit, throwing in some deft touches and his word of the day – Chill.

LENNONY – 8/10

Hibs, Hearts and the Dons dispatched in a hazardous week to pee-off Hal 9000, the SPFL’s fixture computer. Lennony kept the pod bay doors closed on the rest with a consistent selection that has tested the core of the side with solid, positive results and vindicated every call he has made. He has two games to negotiate before hitting reset, in the most testing season any Celtic manager has faced in a decade. Boxing Day in Paisley may prove the trickiest and needs to be killed early – Sunday’s big shoot-out with the Undateables will take care of itself. Maintain the momentum, Lennony.

John Kennedy did the post match duties on Celtic TV. Here’s what he had to say…

OVERALL – 7.5/10

Great start from the first whistle. Nailed all the early commands – dogging around them, moving at pace, come by and away, come by and away… Walking up, sheep getting penned in; a proper shearing on the cards…
I’m here all week…

Anxiety began to creep in after our three hundred and fifty thousandth attempts with the goal-gap at one. And of course they scored first go – like the most irritating lottery winner anyone skint can imagine.

Sooo… dig deep? Deep was dug – regardless of the whines and pines of the perma-frustrated nail-biters, this side shows the true mark of champions and has done since the Livi debacle. We’re not even killing teams off properly –
and when we do there will be baseball announcers hauled in to read the scores.

Upteen wins on the trot as the Horribles exert enough pressure to rupture the package of soap on a rope rammed up a Columbian striker’s colon. Two more wins for the jackpot would be an outstanding achievement for a squad of Bhoys who have played around 40 competitive games.

As for the NINE – 18 down, 20 to go. It’s almost halfway to Paradise.

Go away Now.

Sandman. Have a very Merry Christmas, Muthaf***as.

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

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