SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE ICE WALL…
Covid Restricted Attendance: 300 – Paul the Stag and 299 locals.Just the two households then…
B.A BARKIS – 8/10
Damn, fool! I ain’t gettin’ on no stagecoach… But he ended up in the place where Greek mythology tells of fearful tales of the Northern Tribes. With barely time to wonder ‘What is this haunting wilderness?’ he was presented with a new facet of his Scottish football experience – saves to make. And he was smart and alert – great fingers more than once coupled with impressive reactions and shot-stopping.
AJER – 7.5/10
Still here and still first pick. Romped around a place his ancestors used to invade, stuck his own viking dagger in their hearts with a poached finish to add a nought on his transfer value.
JULIEN CLARY – 7/10
Slack but impressive and frustratingly casual to a point. Yet he’s a real threat and oozes je ne sais quoi – meaning we don’t know what the hell he’s doing at times. However, provided the LOL moment of the game as he appealed
flat out on the deck for a foul after being flattened by his own goalscoring teammate, one…
ALAN LADD – 7.5/10
Michael Duffy’s bhoy did his alkie Step Da’ proud on his Hoops debut by smashing in a pile-driver with his concrete foreheid. Putting a shine (Shane…) on his day after a narrow escape early when he realised Scottish teams do play strikers. And probably had more defending to do than he expected. But all-in, top o’ the mornin’ stuff from Ireland’s greatest living centre-half.
BROON – 6.5/10
Unusually quiet at a venue that he’s been ringmaster of Fleckwit Circus at previously. Nobody in woad looked up for hassling Broon, and though appearing tired he cruised the match in control. Good practice for when he retires
after the TEN and joins the Night’s Watch up there.
CALMAC – 8.5/10 MOTM
The Great Dictator. Despite relinquishing advance position to the Muthufleka, Calmac switched on early and had his orchestra wound up and in-tune to combat any indigenous uprising. Lovely football and superb deliveries – he’s the code that underlies the Celtic victory algorithm.
FORREST – 6/10
Burds in the main stand so Jamesy was on the left all first half. Drew a few fouls but faded and we never saw much of him, or required his dazzle. I suspect we’ll see flash or two soon, however…
PINGPONG – 6.5/10
Surprise! Brought electricity to the frozen North, resulting in deification and title of Village Wizard, but the magic was under wraps as County ganged-up on him with a number of lumbering cattle-wrastlers suffocating his progress.
SAM JACKSON – 7.5/10
Time once more, or one more time, muthuflekas? Another still here, still first Muthufleka on the team-sheet. And today it was that time again – time for an episode of Watch With Muthufleka as he taught the Stag-sheggers how to play a forward-mid-Muthufleka role, popping between their lines and linking our fulcrum Calmac with the two front dynamos. A daym fine Muthuflekin’ display.
THE YETI – 7.5/10
The one place he can go and not startle locals used to mysterious creatures in their midst. And in their midst he was – reacted like a rattlesnake in a chicken coop, snapping home a classic natural born striker’s goal for his third in three games. Looking fitter and bustling around big defenders with relish – a fine spike in performance levels gives us hope for his future Celtic endeavours.
FRENCH EDDY – 7/10
C’est la vie… Stroked home a penalty like it was the last thing he had to do before going to bed. Must be beginning to believe he gets to take a penalty every game after his international exploits. You don’t play for the Forces, Eddy,
so naw… Exciting moments from a jaded Eddy as he got a striking partner; we could be on the verge of some scintillating attacking blitzes to come.
KLIMALA KLIMAX – 7/10
Well done, son – must have wanted to tear out his hair…Um, scalp, after the sitter was stopped on the line, more a good block than poor finish. But nothing better for his confidence than slotting home a cool one-on-one moments
later. Like his quick feet and the way he shifts along the line; there’s possibilities there.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE – 6.5/10
Easy cameo for Elshag and a nice nutmeg to set up Klimala’s confidence-booster.
SORO – 6/10
So here’s the Broon replacement in waiting; neat and industrious for his ten minutes; look forward to seeing more soon.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 5/10
Though he might get right in about it for 20 minutes but was quiet and possibly sulking because unlike Eddy he didn’t get to take a third pen in three games; his Dad will have something to say about that…
EDDIE TURNBULL – N/A
Unfair to rate him because he’s around 100 years old but it was a good ten minutes or so for one of Hibs’ Famous Five to finally make his Celtic debut; confused the opposition with anecdotes of living on ration coupons after the Nazis were defeated.
LENNONY – 7.5/10
Well, we asked for it, and we got it – twin lethal weapons spearheading a Celtic attack and an Irish icon knocking lumps out of Heelanders at the other end. Lennony will be disturbed by some shaky defensive moments but will savour the volatile attacking options at his disposal; what he now does with them will seal his legacy and Celtic history. No pressure then.
OVERALL – 8.5/10
A 5-0 pumping at the inspiration for The Damned’s ‘Grimly Feindish’ is a fine way to turn up the heat in the Northern wastelands. We escaped with points, goals, no injuries and no psychological damage despite our players being catcalled by the sparse but majority home support and constantly told they ‘sure looked purty in
thaym new paynts…’
Whatever trouble the Coonty caused us was often by our own hand and countered tenfold by Celtic’s reborn attacking awareness. It smashed the screeching ice-wraiths of the North and will be utilised again midweek versus the uzi-totting junkies of Ian Paisley town.
As Broon noted in his midweek Hacks Briefing, we hadn’t been scoring enough goals despite dominating games. Well now we are, dear detractors; Be afraid, be very afraid.
Go Away Now.