Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Treble Rebel Treble Day, Part 1

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.
All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

But I’ve never seen a Treble Rebel Treble.
Time to die, Buns…”

Roy the Replicant

“He’s no’ gettin’ a shot the night…”

A. Budge.

‘Yeah, we’re Celtic, yeah? – We as a support require a Champions League-winning manager as new boss with a 100 million budget and possibly Zinedine Zidane in as Director of Football and maybe Fabio Cappello and Sven Goran Eriksson making the tea, because we need to feel special, yeah?

And if there’s not an exotic name at the helm and we’re stuck with ‘Lennon’ whom I hate even though he’s the most successful Celtic manager this century – which doesn’t count because I can’t name-drop him in hipster convo – then I’m going to whine like a bitch all over the web and probably start an instagram petition to get what I fecking
want or I’ll scweam and scweam and scweam…”

Disgruntled Entitled Celtic Blogger, incoming…

BANE – 7/10

Revelled in the early smoke screen. Managed to rob the Central Bank of Gotham and make it back into goal before anybody noticed. Massive thanks to the Green Brigade pyro division for the diversion. Four thousand Bitcoin switched into big Dermot Desmond’s crypto wallet and a revised transfer budget for the new boss.

Is there a merit mark for a keeper who had nothing to do but pick one out the net? Certainly there were wayward passes but his distribution is largely based on the movement and availability of outfield players. Gordon gets crucified by the armchair Mourinhos for it, Bane gets away with it until whiners realise it’s not a keeper’s problem.

LUSTIG – 8/10

Hahaaaaaaaaaa…. The Micka haters will be rolling in with the Lennon haters on the back of the appointment. And I doubt one of them realise the set-up header for Eddy’s HISTORIC winner came from the Swedish madman. Brilliant.

His pass (heided) was a stunner -realised he’d seen the gap, popped the ball right in there and Eddy did the rest. G-l-o-r-i-o-u-s.

Overall, another formidable performance by a Celtic legend. Torrid first-half as they gave it everything. But he’s built to absorb and come through; Please reference Italy v Sweden World Cup play-off in Milan faux footy-expert fannies.

He, along with Broon, were the senior pros driving the team, getting stuck in, combating the Hearts’ bullish style.

He weathered the storm and – if you noticed – was one of the first Hoops to lift his head and assert pressure on them when their energies dissipated. And despite suffering cramp in injury time, HE was the challenger diving with the head to deny Berra. That’s rightLUSTIG was there at the death to dig it out.

Someday the myopic will see the Lustig benefits. That experience, that big-game mentality – on and off the park. For feck’s sake, give us one more year; sign him up, Celtic. Lenny, that Swede’s the defensive coach we need to aid big J.

HAYES – 8/10

Almost MOTM. What do you get from Jonny Hayes? Out of the pyro mists, he dropped his gas mask – property of Bane – and flourished; a man convinced he was pounding the green fields of France circa 1915.

Had the opposition been real (insert nickname that the Tommy’s gave to their German adversaries), there would have been bodies. But Jonny saw through the alias, kept his discipline and deserved his jersey. A tremendously reliable, 100% effort from a guy often discarded from consideration. Squad gold.

AJER – 7/10

Monumental. Viking overlord in waiting. Young Praetorian guard was taken to task by a Hearts frontline giving every nip, tuck and punch for the cause. Kris kept his wits and maintained control of his defensive area – count the crucial interceptions and blocks. only lapse- missed the ball at the Hearts goal – his foot skidded over when a toe on it would have diverted it away before the strike.

JOZO – 7.5/10

Yes, he’s the main man. A stalwart who concedes minimum hope to opposition offences. You might think you barely noticed him today – certainly in attacking positions as our delivery was default poor at set-pieces. But this big uncompromising assassin is the perfect murderous sacrificial rock around which we build a defence Lenny has constructed before. A defence capable of Euro triumph, nouveau Bhoys…

BROON – 8/10

Broken, hobbled, mad for it. A leader of mhen, would not be denied. Those shoulders carry more than the captain’s hoops – they lift the side when the worst-case scenario unfolds – 0-1 down, half-hour to play, hadn’t had a shot on goal. Feeling sorry for yourself? Want a tough game over? Don’t shirk it when Broon’s around. Has an influence on the side beyond the ken of mortal men.

CALMAC – 6/10

Unusually quiet for such a known big-game individual – victim of Hearts tactical organisation
as they closed down any available space in the midfield. In space no one can hear you scream;
If Sigourney Weaver had been up against Hearts instead of the xenomorph she’d have been fecked.

Hardly room to breathe for the string-puller never mind a creative moment to flourish. Still,
he did what Celtic heroes do in those spartan times – he dug in with his captain and levelled up the midfield battleground.

ROGIC – 4/10

A generous 4. While Broon and Calmac toiled to create room, he wandered and panted and generally
was second to everything and a lame duck when opportunity knocked. Compare today’s TR to the
first treble winner of 2017 – a shadow on the turf. Yes, he’s in need of a rest and proper
rehabilitation but as far as this Bhoy’s concerned he’s almost run out of goodwill.

So many let-downs in so many big matches as we chased this treble. He’s been more of a burden
than a blitzer, and that’s a tragic fall from grace for our game-changing Oz wizard.

C’mopn, big guy. What’s Oz-speak for finger oot yer erse? Binkybong out the Bangabong?

See Part 2 for the rest…

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

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