Here we go again. We’re at the end of the road again…Sandman’s Definitive Graphically Explicit Review of the Season.Too much madness for one article so it’s divided into parts. Here we go…
It’s time to put the season to bed like one of Jamesy’s conquests: that means we’re going to have some fun with it, rate it – definitively of course – and when we’re finished it’ll be time to keep this fond record of it and move onto the next one.
You can’t argue with these ratings because I can’t argue with the voices in my head. That’s what makes them definitive; we’re a consensus in here…
So thanks to you for the reactions an opinions and comments and occasional appreciation over the 40-odd matches that I encode with lunacy and distill through the pages of The Celtic Star/Celtic Noise (for the uncircumcised versions).
For without beautiful you, there wouldn’t be any of this harebrained immature idiocy.*
So muse on that a while and enjoy the last hurrahs of a torrid ten months…
*Yes there would, catch yerselves.
Remember – each single review opens as a 1000×500 jpg you can download, keep, send, print, set fire to. And ‘MOS’ means ‘Moment Of the Season’ for the acronym-allergic.
A DEDICATION: This Year’s review is dedicated to Matt Corr and the Celtic Foundation troops on their Malawi Adventure. As I write, they’re in Africa fighting Black Mambas, Boomslangs and Puff Adders – precisely the reason you won’t see me or Indiana Jones within a light year of such an environment.
But for those intrepid souls it’s scorpions for breakfast, kevlar keks on, and a storming week of converting a former slaughterhouse into a creepy-crawly-proof palatial spa and luxurious safari lodge*, before being slaughtered themselves at fitba’ by the local school weans.
All done in the name of the ethos upon which Celtic was founded, so, salut!
*this is not true but sounds excellent.
And onwards…
ROXIE – 8.5/10 – When you need them most, the leaders stand up and be counted. And this transitional season showcased Joe’s qualities as they came to the fore on the park – superb and crucial saves at defining moments – and off: fantastic psyche that kept heads up and in the game. This is the end, beautiful friend, the end. It hurts to set you free…From the ‘Thompson 90’ to the Zombie smiting, we thank Joe for many things. The saves, the laughs, the leadership. But most of all we should thank him for his honesty, for rocking up here under great suspicion and being…well, just being Joe. A sound, ‘decent’, honest character who became a real and beloved Celtic keeper in the tradition of unique individuals. And who’ll never need to buy a drink at any bar across the planet wherever a Celt stands, ever. He’ll know then what it all means.
MOS: Scottish Cup semi shootout: “Can’t dive left…”Yeah? How’s that working out for ya?”
WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – You gotta love an AJ interview – he’s so damned North American it’s like listening to Ron Burgundy do a ‘sportscast’ with Ted Lasso. The cheesiness stops right there, however because this Bhoy is a stoical, combative presence – no Zombie shall pass – specialising in navy seal stealth overlaps and supporting ghost recon drifts into the enemy box.
Mission highlights prove the impact – a yard of space just inside the corner of their box, quickly dispatched low, curved lethal ball right across their goalface (see what I did there Americanism fans?); for examples – Daizen at the Killie title-decider and Idah for an injury time winner at Murderwell. Practiced, often perfect.
MOS – In the bleak midwinter…56 seconds in v Ross County, scored the solitary match-winner that was so crucial to keep us in contention. Slashed a 20 yarder like Jason Vorhees which scuttled in off a Heelander, reminiscent of Allan Mac leaving a crime scene. They all count, and that one was massive.
Nawrocki – 5/10…
Zombies to prevent the, ruining Xmas.
MOS: Mordor, Day 1…”Who?” laughed the Zombies as Liam came in to make up the numbers…”You, You, You and You! **** off!” was how it ended. for them as young Scales played the game of his life to elicit a monkey surrender and establish a base for domination of the derbies.
MOS: Lashed one in at the Diets Dome on his first visit of the season; obtaining his Half Skelper badge.
MOS: The last league derby in Paradise – Tackling back in a frenzy to dispossess and scythe Zombies like Rick Grimes pursuing post-apocalyptic zombies in The Walking Dead. Which, role-playing, I hear, is exactly how Calmac psyches himself up for those games.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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Ah Mr Sandman, bring us a dream. Have to say well done for your hilarious and cogent ratings for the season and keep up the good work.