Yesterday we published on The Celtic Star the first part of Sandman’s Definitive Review of the Season. We’ll continue with that today before directing you to our brilliant Celtic Noise forum where you can read the rest of the best midsummer madness on the entire internet, well for Sandman fans anyway!
First of all let’s remind you of where we’ve got to….
Here we go again. We’re at the end of the road again…Sandman’s Definitive Graphically Explicit Review of the Season. Here we go…
It’s time to put the season to bed like one of Jamesy’s conquests: that means we’re going to have some fun with it, rate it – definitively of course – and when we’re finished it’ll be time to keep this fond record of it and move onto the next one.
You can’t argue with these ratings because I can’t argue with the voices in my head. That’s what makes them definitive; we’re a consensus in here…
So thanks to you for the reactions an opinions and comments and occasional appreciation over the 40-odd matches that I encode with lunacy and distill through the pages of The Celtic Star/Celtic Noise (for the uncircumcised versions).
For without beautiful you, there wouldn’t be any of this harebrained immature idiocy.*
So muse on that a while and enjoy the last hurrahs of a torrid ten months…
*Yes there would, catch yerselves.
Remember – each single review opens as a 1000×500 jpg you can download, keep, send, print, set fire to. And ‘MOS’ means ‘Moment Of the Season’ for the acronym-allergic.
A DEDICATION: This Year’s review is dedicated to Matt Corr and the Celtic Foundation troops on their Malawi Adventure. As I write, they’re in Africa fighting Black Mambas, Boomslangs and Puff Adders – precisely the reason you won’t see me or Indiana Jones within a light year of such an environment.
But for those intrepid souls it’s scorpions for breakfast, kevlar keks on, and a storming week of converting a former slaughterhouse into a creepy-crawly-proof palatial spa and luxurious safari lodge*, before being slaughtered themselves at fitba’ by the local school weans.
All done in the name of the ethos upon which Celtic was founded, so, salut!
*this is not true but sounds excellent.
And onwards…
ROXIE – 8.5/10 – When you need them most, the leaders stand up and be counted. And this transitional season showcased Joe’s qualities as they came to the fore on the park – superb and crucial saves at defining moments – and off: fantastic psyche that kept heads up and in the game. This is the end, beautiful friend, the end. It hurts to set you free…From the ‘Thompson 90’ to the Zombie smiting, we thank Joe for many things. The saves, the laughs, the leadership. But most of all we should thank him for his honesty, for rocking up here under great suspicion and being…well, just being Joe. A sound, ‘decent’, honest character who became a real and beloved Celtic keeper in the tradition of unique individuals. And who’ll never need to buy a drink at any bar across the planet wherever a Celt stands, ever. He’ll know then what it all means.
MOS: Scottish Cup semi shootout: “Can’t dive left…”Yeah? How’s that working out for ya?”
WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – You gotta love an AJ interview – he’s so damned North American it’s like listening to Ron Burgundy do a ‘sportscast’ with Ted Lasso. The cheesiness stops right there, however because this Bhoy is a stoical, combative presence – no Zombie shall pass – specialising in navy seal stealth overlaps and supporting ghost recon drifts into the enemy box.
Mission highlights prove the impact – a yard of space just inside the corner of their box, quickly dispatched low, curved lethal ball right across their goalface (see what I did there Americanism fans?); for examples – Daizen at the Killie title-decider and Idah for an injury time winner at Murderwell. Practiced, often perfect.
MOS – In the bleak midwinter…56 seconds in v Ross County, scored the solitary match-winner that was so crucial to keep us in contention. Slashed a 20 yarder like Jason Vorhees which scuttled in off a Heelander, reminiscent of Allan Mac leaving a crime scene. They all count, and that one was massive.
Nawrocki – 5/10…
Zombies to prevent the, ruining Xmas.
MOS: Mordor, Day 1…”Who?” laughed the Zombies as Liam came in to make up the numbers…”You, You, You and You! **** off!” was how it ended. for them as young Scales played the game of his life to elicit a monkey surrender and establish a base for domination of the derbies.
MOS: Lashed one in at the Diets Dome on his first visit of the season; obtaining his Half Skelper badge.
MOS: The last league derby in Paradise – Tackling back in a frenzy to dispossess and scythe Zombies like Rick Grimes pursuing post-apocalyptic zombies in The Walking Dead. Which, role-playing, I hear, is exactly how Calmac psyches himself up for those games.
And now for some more season reviews from Sandman…
THE ALLFATHER- 4.5/10 – Another mini-mystery – this Bhoy looked the part when he was in-tune, but lost his rhythm after his Rotterdam rampage an we’ve not seen the manager relent in his paucity of leeway for the kid. And will we ever? I hope so. He’s got something about him, a wild animal, yes but one that’s maybe worth taming to start with…
MOS: His build-up play and the disguised slip to Oh to bury St Mirren at the last. Or…Maybe destroying Cantwell at the final whistle of he first derby, leaving him to audition for the Deliverance remake, squeal, squee, squealing like a pig…Yep, the latter.
TONY THE TIGER – 5.5/10 – When the Zombies need hope drained from them same as their old vampire Grampas used to suck their blood as weans, then throw in the Van Ralsting, armed with a pair of boots, a Hooped kit and crucifix. Title in the balance, in like Maximus to bolster the legion’s resilience and thwart the final volleys of poison arrows they could muster to spike the jhoy on 11 May. More sparingly used this campaign, it felt, bit any battle, Tony was ready. One of you, in a tap. For the cause.
MOS: Probably our best killer ball of the season for Palma to knock in the last goal at the back post on Trophy Day.
HAKUNA HATATE – 5/10 – Never quite there. A banquets ghost to the Zombies, lingering around in their consciousness, his name our lips, but his presence missed sorely since he sat down on the turf v Atletico. He’s had more breakdowns than Keith Richards’ drug counsellor; can’t recall a fully-functioning Reo making an impact all season. Damn shame to see him hindered by continual injury setbacks and not get into that marvellous shifting intricacy of play that is his trademark, moving in timed flowing synch with the team around finlike a ballet dancer finding their poise and stage position.
‘Mon the physios.
MOS – Outside of boo worldy v St Mirren to show us what we’ve been missing all season.
Sandman
A MESSAGE FROM THE CELTIC STAR EDITOR
The rest of Sandman’s Definitive Review of the Season continues over on our brilliant wee Celtic forum Celtic Noise – the graphics make it particularly difficult to feature then and do the justice on here and we think you’ll enjoy seeing them as Sandman supplied them in this manner, so the rest of the season reviews can only be read there.
There’s loads more from Sandman in his Definitive Review of the Season over on Celticnoise.com – the way we work with Sandman over many years now, is rather than him emailing his Definitive Ratings to The Celtic Star for us to get them edited then posted onto the site in the required format, he instead posts them in the unedited version onto Celtic Noise. We pick them up from there and turn into the Sandman articles on The Celtic Star that you will be familiar with.
So that’s where you’ll find the rest of Sandman’s Review of the Season and we think you’ll love it! Sign up to Celtic Noise where you’re there (I’m the admin and will approve quickly, it’s takes two seconds) and you can then leave a comment in Sandman’s thread for his Definitive Review of the Season.
Celtic Noise is a great wee Celtic community created by and brought to you by The Celtic Star. You’ll be made most welcome there and going forward you can also find the unedited version of Sandman’s Definitive Ratings there after every match. They’ll obviously still appear on The Celtic Star in the way you’re used to seeing.
So to continue to enjoy Sandman’s Review of the Season continue reading HERE.
You don’t have to sign up to read, just to comment, there’s no spam emails or anything like that so don’t worry about that.
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