Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Wooly-Bully

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ WOOLY-BULLY

“Contradict myself? I don’t contradict myself. Yes, I do, I really do. Beautifully. Or not,”Buck Rodgers

ROXIE – 7/10 MOTM – What would ye do without Big Joe? Well, notch up a humiliating pumping for a start. Very difficult day for the Hart-haters, who’d be melting their keyboards when he thrashed a couple of pass-backs out the park. Once his own defence had stopped trying to slip it past him, they disintegrated and we all climbed behind the couch/bar, watching in disbelief as The Sheep ran through the sheepdogs at will. But cometh the hour, cometh the big mhan and a double classic of Joe stops gave the Zombies blue baws.

DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 5/10 – Not quite sure if the wriggly wee guy with the South American mullet is the right fit for this Celtic side, given he’s got some intricate boots but found his main obstacle to be his own
dithering winger up ahead. Forged forwards constantly, seemed to run into trouble with as much regularity as well. Yet, still looks like he can play a bit.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – Second week in a row he’s been the most focussed and consistent outfield player, all-in for the win, good strong play and a few fine cross balls deserving of finishes.

OF JUSTICE – 5/10 – Appeared a bit ill at ease, perhaps missing the CCV influence. Certainly didn’t handle a more aggressive Dons front line in the second half; just seemed strung-out with the Melchester Rovers shirts swarming all around him.

APOLLO CREED – 4/10 – When the heat was turned up, he staggered around punch-drunk. Lucky Bhoy not to see red as the MIBs missed a sitter. Like Liam, flustered was his default setting; skinned and rinsed by ‘not the Celtic striker we need’ for their goal.

CALMAC – 6/10 – Poor Captain, my Captain – a Han Solo lunchtime slog in the middle as his midfield cohorts frazzled around him, out-fought by snapping teuchters. But credit Calmac for holding it together as everyone else threw their hands in the air and shook their heads.

SAINT BERNARDO – 3.5/10 – Virtually anonymous, maybe cursed by a ‘system’ that isolates him between their lines and does its worst to seek him out; as in, fruitless running by him, mostly – only example of his role working was when he dinked the bar after finally segueing with an attacking thrust.

THE BUILDER – 4/10 – The difference. So many loose touches, failed passes, exasperating end-product; just one of those days for the silky kid, and if he’d managed anything near the levels he’s set then we may have won reasonably comfortably.

BRIAN DE – 3.5/10 – Does anyone have the faintest inkling of what the hell he’s going to do? Firing in deliveries like we’d signed Peter Dinklage as centre-forward in the window. The one time he manages to lift it he scoops a big chance onto the bar. Cuts inside more times than a razor blade kebab, perhaps imbalanced mostly due to the off-the-ball slug-balancing act he performs with his top lip.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 4/10 – Not a sniff. Not his fault. Found more service/ball when he dropped into a number 10 role. But we don’t need Kyogo there. Subject of the new appendage to Brendan Rodgers’ biography: ‘How To Blunt A 30-Goals-A-Season Striker With Stubborn Egotistical Tactical Choices’.

ABADASS – 3.5/10 – Much scampering and an early flash of promise – if he’d scored the game was won. But faded as we’ve become acustomed to, too many times when we’re in need of match-winners.

SUBS –

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6/10 – The hero of Dune who sacrificed his life for the cause. Annoyingly, he wouldn’t go that far but did rumble around and exhibit some nice touches, especially for the goal.

TONY THE TIGER – N/A – ‘Left? Where’s that? Oh, aye, I remember. Again?’ And so our new left-back turns out to be our old right-back. Cunning plan.

RAQUEL – N/A – Some glamour to warm the locals up for the after-match sheep cabaret.

VALUE ADDED TAX – N/A – No time for the youngster to be a hero. Like he doesn’t deserve a start, what with the dazzling performances of the first eleven…

TAKINTE – 6.5/10 – Ah, a chink of light in the frozen north wastelands. Kieran Paddy Tierney-Roberts lifts the game and saves the day – almost. Did manage to contribute more in his time than the entire front line before him, showing some nifty footwork and snatching a precious equaliser to stop the entire season caving-in.

THE SHNAKE – 5/10 – Well, we don’t know, and it seems he doesn’t either – “We need quality in,” became ‘ We need to respect and work with the players we have,” in the space of a couple of months. And the ‘system’ resembles a slap-dash casual assembly of individuals given free-reign to improvise, not bound by any intensity or structure.

The whole sense of his approach is drifting towards a lack of urgency to address obvious flaws; almost like
he can’t be bothered with the hassle of micro-managing areas of concern that are costing us dearly. Makes you wonder who’s really in charge here, if anybody wants to be in charge here, or we’re going to witness another season of buck-passing or Buck passing-on.

MIBBERY – 5/10 – “Anybody found the telly control? Anybody got a boax if this hing’s knackered?” And so we waited until the VAR official came out the pub after his lunchtime ploughman’s with a hacked Amazon firestick he’d bought from Hamish The Techie in the toilets. Finally we were off, and so too was Maik; incredible opportunity squandered by VAR to dismiss a Bhoy. I can only imagine they were flipping through the movies and tv series on offer on the firestick when the big eejit gifted them a goat-molester special. Luckily, calamity was avoided and they didn’t have much else to do except chuckle at another inept Hoops display.

OVERALL – 4/10 – Ah, for heaven’s sake – there’s not really any coming back from this sort of performance. Reeks of 2021’s disjointed inadequacy – a side without a rhythm and proper focus. The irony of going down to a great strike from ‘not the Celtic striker we need’ is lost on no-one. He might’ve been the last choice for many, but a decent choice he was – and we all saw that…

So the gate’s wide open for the cloven-hooved Zombies to gallop through and gain the high ground. They won’t
miss this time because they’ve gained what we’ve lost – focus and momentum. They’ll be at it backed by a monstrous ugly army of verminous bedlamites foaming at the mouth to overtake us. Last week was a major warning as to what happens when standards drop. This week was the bitter payoff of not heeding the clarions, not even bothering too much to address the glaring deficiencies we’ve been discussing for months.

Like 2021, the angst rises when it looks like many care less than they should, and you wonder where the mental
strength will come from when the collective id seems vulnerable. That second 45 today – pulled this way and that, stretched, sprung open, will be the poster-child for title surrender if these Bhoys don’t get their acts together in unison.

Go Away Now

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