Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Furry Bits

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v FURRY BITS…

“Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four.” – George Orwell.

ROXIE – 6/10 – With a lack of atmosphere due to, you know – ‘reasons’ – Joe passed the time wandering around his empty area with ‘Only The Lonely’ playing in his ear pods. Called into action just the once in the second half when a lone Travelling Willbury made it into our box for
a flick attempt, he dealt with it in his usual smart manner (see what I did there, Roy Orbison fans?)…

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Steady as she goes – Greggs putting in yet another 90 minutes of composed competence; nothing flash or too adventurous as he kept the left flank secure and let the flair run riot up ahead.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 – As with his counterpoint on the left, AJ was solid and contained; no reason to bust a gut with Ying and his magical mesmerising slippers occupying the forward berth. Just as well, because on his one late foray towards their box his shot hit the passing London Road bus.

OF JUSTICE – 6.5/10 – I remember them…Just a year ago he was on the wrong end of this
type of hiding. But he’s not been one for hiding…He’s played his way into the Celtic first eleven and is holding onto it like it was a hundred Bitcoin he’d bought in 2012 for a dollar. Alertness and precision passing meant no favours were dished to the lads he enjoyed a good few nights
with up at Shearer McSheepy’s Woolly Farm Funhouse.

GET CARTER – 7/10 – His commitment is second to none – exemplified by the ‘Baws For The Cause’ sacrifice. Once The Rock gets new rocks he’ll be as complete as his overall game was today.

THE ALLFATHER – 6/10 – I like this kid – plenty energy and touch; slow to get into things today as his given role was to squeeze between lines tighter than a dubious offside decision in favour of the Zombies. Brought a fine save out of the keeper but was replaced early; his best performances have been when introduced later in games to add zip.

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Motoring as usual against the Dons – complete domination of the first 20 yards of the opposition half for the entire opening period allowed him to orchestrate incessant pressure. Well-deserved rest when the win was secure.

THE BUILDER – 8/10 – Back with a bang;  multiple penetration of their stout defence in a dazzling display of flick, slip, scoop, and sizzling passing. 2 assists and countless breathtaking involvements; how he didn’t get MOTM is beyond me. Hang on.. Yeah, it was my own call…

BRIAN DE – 8.5/10 MOTM – Gilded boots will turn you left, right, and inside out. Fullback Devlin’s swarthy Central American nightmare came to life as if he had looked in the mirror last night and muttered “Can ye man?” five times. Aye, he can. Dipping, swerving, twisting, and that was just his shoulders and hips. The ball did other things – spinning and whipping its way to three assists and a goal – a wonderfully ironic Tavpen phizztake as he mimicked a run-up the Zombies see 100 times a season, but actually scored…

KILLER MUSHROOM – 7/10 – “Is this a piece of your brain?” At least now Kyogo will understand Fawlty Towers. Disgusting Serbian Sunday League slamdown by rampaging
brain damaged Herman Munster, who’s obviously practiced plenty of them given he plays for Montenegro. The stormtrooper approach to that ‘challenge’ had me all Amon-Goeth-on-a-balcony and reaching for the sniper rifle until the wee mhan got up and managed to walk off.

Pray he’s okay because that was a rabbit-punch (or more fitting a ‘donkey-puch’ going by what delivered it…) and a half, with a heid. And who needs more than half-a-dozen touches in a game to make your mark? A save and a goal – classic Kyogo.

YING – 7.5/10 – Another headcase. Ying and Yang sure played out for him today – lovely dazzling footwork to light up the first-half and his first goal, with his head! Then he got headered back and departed looking like the Korean Tyson Fury. Another kid who’s moved halfway round the globe to realise his dream; and this one may be a keeper after all (that’s
not a new goalie reference, for all the ‘we need a 10 million-bucks new keeper, now, please!’ Playstation FIFA virgins…).

SUBS –

OH BHOY – 7.5/10 – Some doubt the Bhoy’s ability because he failed to come on and destroy the Atletico Madrid defence single-handed with zero service on a night when most of his remaining team mates had already chucked it. Yeeeess…Well here he goes again, pesky Asian target man that he is, annoying the ‘hexperts’ with two goals in ten minutes and some partial vengeance on Salem’s Lot’s head vampire. Great.

TONIO IWATAO – N/A – Calmac’s stunt man get more game-time, but less than he deserves.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 6/10 – Slomo is a fictional drug in the brilliant action movie ‘Dredd’ that reduces perception of time by 100x. Same effect we get when Eddie ambles on and ambles about. And it seemed their goalie had been inhaling too as a guileful reversed shot sneaked in to notch another goalscoring contribution from a man in the summer Scales camp of ‘surplus to requirements’. Not so, it seems.

JAMESY – LOL/10 – The windows in the Jock Stein hospitality are made of reinforced plexi-glass supplied by a company Jamesy owns shares in. Today’s demonstration of their
protective qualities was supplied by the man himself as they got rattled by The Flash’s Space X launch.

DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – N/A – Ange’s project brought in from the cold. Is The Shnake
thawing out towards the mercurial kid?

THE SHNAKE – 7.5/10 – Changes made, mental re-invigoration was his main task over the last four bruising days of Atletico aftershock. He got that spot-on – minds were clear and focussed
and at it from the whistle and didn’t let up for 100 minutes. So he hits a fortnight break with a decent points lead, pressure eased and time to assess injuries. Job done.

MIBBERY – 6.5/10 – Brain transplants are not concussion injuries, apparently. Still priapic from the lunchtime dodgy-penalty competition in Livingston, Gollum and VAR colluded to spare their reckless orc assassin a red because the ball just happened to bounce of his titanium nut as he delivered it like a warhead onto Kyogo’s unsuspecting cranium. When asked afterwards what it would have taken to administer proper justice to the Kurgan from highlander due by the rules of force and intent, Gollum told the press, “Only death.”* The scurrilous wee…

*I bet he would have.

OVERALL -8/10 – Managed by the re-animated Bobby Robson, the zombified Aberdeen 11 put out the lowest block since Fermer Shooie McTavish got caught-out down on his knees in the dark behind Phukye-the-ram instead of Dolly the ewe. We dismantled their resistance in jig-time to remind the travelling support to record the latest re-runs of Thingummyjig and campaign for Jack McLaughlin to be their next manager. Our reshaped Bhoys slotted together like the finest sprung dancefloor and waltzed our way to a Heath Ledger Joker special; ‘Six…’

So we tied the week on aggregate with three injury-time belters just to highlight the subs qualities too and round off a set of fixtures that proved both halloween horror and fireworks night spectacular. Ain’t nothing wrong with going down, it’s staying down that’s wrong, said a great man, and today the Bhoys came back off the ropes to bloody some red, and blue, noses.

I was in the jungle much of my early teens right through to the Fergus demolition and the advent of…Weemin in my life…Fnar, fnar. Full of mad bhoys venting, voicing, rebelling…
The board then didn’t like us much, and plus ca change today. The North Curve is basically that jungle, and the jungle always had its say, regardless of the drier opinions of others, regardless of perception of justified protest or nuisance-making.

Ironically, my time in there began around 1984 and here we are in proper Orwellian times right enough as people are victimised for free speech and corporate entities practice blatant denial and obfuscation while the world burns.

You don’t have to like the stories or the songs, but you have to Let The People Sing.

Until the last rebel…

Go Away Now

Sandman