Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Renton’s Rovers v Celtic

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ RENTON’S ROVERS…

“In life the only thing you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.”- Joan Rivers.

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 –  Ever reliable, ever the pro, making quality saves as officials made up the offside rule as we went along. No chance with the goals – defence left him criminally exposed; Let’s hope he repeated his Brugge rundown of their aberrations in the dressing room.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 3.5/10 – Overcooked the flaming sausage rolls to the point of cremation. Thankfully the boss switched the oven off at half-time and he was back in the kitchen kneading dough by the restart; calamitous omens were looming after his yellow, and he’d been spooked since the second-minute disarray; which wasn’t really his fault.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Barnstorming Bayern, then hounding Hibees – at the ground where AJ favours a right good clunk on the heid to clear the cobwebs and tune him in, hockey style. That’s mental- arctic hockey, not the -blade girlie version (Although the skirts are good. Disclaimer: Not on the men, mind…). Best of our backline today, irrepressible bursts forward that deserved more, though inversely penalised for having a hoof too big for the blinkered umpires to see the ball and line clearly enough…

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Battle of the bruisers as Hibs paired a young cut of lumber up against our titan. Worked for them as it kept him occupied while others faltered. CCV’s rugged appetite for combat saw him through and dominance was asserted after roughly an hour; too late as his compatriot had already let him down…

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CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 3.5/10 – Wandered about like he’d escaped the nursing home at morning meds time. Somehow started the game playing left wing as they broke clean through his channel and papped us for one. Wrote a nice postcard back home from ‘Edinburg’ about the great view he had of Hibs second goal, though was bemused about all the noisy Scots behind the goal nets yelling at him about marking and jumping and playing
something called ‘offsides’. Survived the 90 with a little more composure, but he really would have been better off with the rest of the tourists up the castle.

CALMAC – 6/10 – Captain Drained. But not defatigable – appeared gripped by latent fatigue through the opening spell then found his mojo as the game wore on and took control as always; probing, bursting, conducting. Will have felt he’d done enough of a recovery job to warrant a point.

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – He growled around, seemingly with intent amid the obvious frustration as we malfunctioned. You felt he might be the man to spark something if we could get him on the ball. Set about a one-man revenge mission and clattered a couple of them in quick succession to try and liven up his cohorts. That didn’t happen, but our good moments were when he was involved, getting at them, creating something.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 3/10 – Luke who’s missing. Bewildering absence from the crafty, and normally influential, baller. Today should have been made for him to stake a claim but he was swallowed up by Hibs’ defensive lines and failed completely to impose himself on the game. Mercifully hooked.

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LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 MOTM – If you know what you’re getting with Kasper, then Daizen’s been ramping up the reliability this season to those levels of consistency as well. When we needed him, there he was – eclipsing the team’s general toil with classic Daizen moments of improv, explosive impact and ultimately, rescue; cruelly denied his double by blatant sickening skulduggery.

See more

Celtic have a goal disallowed ❌

Daizen Maeda finds the net after an Alistair Johnston cross, but VAR concluded that the ball had just went over the line before the Canadian made contact 🤏#HIBCEL pic.twitter.com/2miS1tfDUo

— Premier Sports (@PremSportsTV) February 22, 2025

DUNCAN IDAHO – 3/10 – Nope. a backward step. From his first involvement to his ignominious departure in the half-time dressing room, his day was a lobotomised struggle. Neither feet nor body nor mind were at the required levels for a Celtic striker. Out-muscled, slow reactions, and criminally wasteful when his one good contribution petered out with two players open and screaming to be set for a tap-in with a simple pass across the box; never lifted his head. Really needs to step it up with consistency these last dozen games or he’ll be drifting into write-off territory…

TAKINTE – 6/10 – Just that 10% off his top functionality – The killer final ball eluded him even though his dancing feet and gliding acceleration had him in great positions; customary flair and invention was missing. Next time,
Nick.

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SUBS –

HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – Good digging and impact from Reo – but just HIT IT, FHS! ; couple of occasions the goals filled his vision but he wouldn’t pull the trigger.

NOTEBOOK – 6.5/10 – Jota on the wing- a jhoy to behold when he’s in full flight. And screw that universe for the goal-line denial of what would have been a wonder-goal equaliser. Good to know that he’ll soon actually be match-fit…

SCLUPPTHE ‘RA – 6/10 – The big mhan’s a solid player and a solid prospect for an established left-back at this rate; in among the action with intent. Seems to have managed to completely synch with the Celtic system already. Sign of a quality pro. Greggs will justly be concerned.

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THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7/10 – Cannot criticise his set-up or subs; took action without mercy and probably quicker and with greater surgical impact than anyone expected. The three introductions sparked a resurgence and eventual salvage, only to be denied by ‘outside forces’ to be politely cryptic about those underhand vermin. This one was on the players, not the gaffer.

MIBBERY – 8.5/10 – The most glorious moment and now prized game of the season for these scurrilous conniving hucksters. So desperate for a pound of flesh it came down to blatant public skullduggery – a VAR reversal which was rightly – too nicely – just labelled ‘a guess’ by The Brodge, when we all knew it was nothing less than the manifestation of years of bitter anguish.

McLean wouldn’t think of contesting Muir’s VAR chicanery for a moment, and the linesman didn’t have the spine to back his own call – THE DEFAULT call that situations like this without the appropriate technology must give precedence to – and thus fulfilled his subservient, boot-licking position within the hierarchy, willing to look a witless blind gofer for the sake of institutional malfeasance and sticking one to the Celts. Cheats to a man.

Exposed in one snarling reversal of a crucial event. And not even possessed of the wits to recognise their lapse in facade would be highlighted in all its dishonesty by logical analysis of the corrupt procedure that brought about the decision. One can only imagine the choking, anguished cry-spanking that took place but a few hours later at the Mordor final whistle. Har-de-flaming-har, you cheating Zombie lovers. .

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OVERALL – 5/10 – A Celtic Jekyll and Hyde that may have deserved the point that evaded us due to the machinations of Scottish Football’s blackest of plagues – the Mibbery of the ages. Credit Hibs, definitely, for having a proper go that had us reeling from the start and required an emotionally-jaded Hoops to contest every ball and dig deep to create anything.

We just were not up to it first-half; dreadful application with tempo absent, the mental aftershock of Munchkin Town looked still to be causing tremors as the players tried to adjust to the challenge in Ruggerville. These things happen. Football is football. A sporting love affair that carries no guarantees; not even a pre-nup, although the Zombies used to have plenty with those whistling pigs in black.

The response after the break was the required one – Celtic being Celtic again and the inevitable fruits of our verve were… Not quite ripe? Well, actually ripe and picked but spoiled by the arch-villains of the piece. So we give away some points in a mostly miserly season of allocation – and at least it was to a deserving Hibs side.

Magnanimity may have been in short supply had the day not taken an unexpected-but-not-really-however-still-startlingly-delightful turn later on and the Govan comedy act delivered the weekend’s punchline.

So… No harm done then.

And…

LOL

Go Away Now

Sandman

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