SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC V THE KING HEROD SELECT…

“A mistake repeated more than once is a decision” – Paulo Coelho

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 5/10 – Wonder-save in the Schmeichel mould, then a blunder-save in the creaking-limbs category; although I’ll NOTE THIS: it looked bad in real-time BUT on replay you see the wicked spin off the Trusty studs – terrible dilemma for the keeper and one only really saveable by a young gun able to adjust with lightning reaction speed. Kasper ain’t that, but the blame is not his to shoulder for the capitulation.

TONY THE TIGER – 4/10 – For heaven’s sake, Tony – it was all going almost so Zombie-smashingly well, even after an equaliser, then you and Calmac make the sort of dithering mess-up from a shy that is normally covered… Yet here we are stretched to the limit at the back and NO covering player was there to stop theie overpriced lumbering gimp galloping straight to goal. And Tony’s not the player you want pushed high; he’s there to crack skulls and hold the fort.

KATIE – 5/10 – Greatly effective first-half – like everyone else, really – then fallible all second as his engine deficiencies showed and their pace exploited the space KT was unable to patrol adequately.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 2/10 – Oh, fhs. Of course he was due a bad game after being our most consistent and reliable performer for two months solid. Just that nobody saw it coming today. And when your main central defender – your ONLY central defender – in such a system has a ‘mare, then it really is Keystone Cops calamity. Skinned by poison hobbit for equaliser, absolutely, mentally, escorted Cherrypippy all the way through for their second, and applied the spin-bowler finesse to skim the third past Kasper after his lunge was too little, too late. His nightmare became ours. There’s nothing like sharing…

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CALMAC – 4/10 – The on-pitch boss clocked out at the interval and the workers kicked-back and didn’t give a hoot because he was nowhere to be seen after that. Pretty much.

THE TERMINATOR – 3/10 – Where’s the Bundesliga influence? These are proper Zombies you’re up against so surely these derbies are a nostalgic home-from-home? Always threatening to become the player we expect of the price-tag, but hits a wall somewhere mid-game.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6/10 – Thought Luke was Luking really decent when he got his feet nimble, and pinged many a guileful pass. Was maybe the last mhan capable of unlocking the Zombie Wall Of Death to ignite some comeback. Then he got hooked…

NEGAN – 2.5/10 – Said it before: Fit for beating SPL jobbers only. Yet again he faded from worst mhan of the first-half to invisible mhan of the second. Current manager’s pet. This won’t last…

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YING – 7.5/10 MOTM – Well done the wee Birmingham One. And he’ll be wanting freed soon, after this, I’d imagine. He was our one consistent success of the day, channelling Messi for his spectacular opener and Sutty and Didier Agathe later with his heading prowess and sterling defensive back-tracking at pace. The Zombies had real trouble coping with him until a clever managerial switch nullified him. Not their manager, ours… Take the star man away from the wing he’s completely owning and put him on the opposite side on his weaker foot. Genius.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 4.5/10 – We have to exploit Daizen’s capabilities more – that first 45 was made to release him behind their flimsy line constantly. Instead we opted to the wrong mhan too many times. But Daizen still got at them – just not enough, though he too was denied by the Buttman.

KENNY JOHNNY – 3/10 – Oh, dear. Celtic strikers are made or broken by these games and the chances that fall to them. And, sadly, if young JK was the stuff of Celtic legend we wanted him to be, he’d have notched a hat-trick and run them ragged. But he didn’t. And he’s not.

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SUBS –

OF JUSTICE – N/A – Should have been on at HT, for ineffectual Negan, and played his part in a back four, countering the Zombie change-up to solidify a 4-0 victory. Hahaha, how mad does that sound, French Willy?

HAKUNA HATATE – N/A – What’s Japanese for ‘Do I flaming have to do this now?’? Was the expression Reo wore for his reluctant 15-minute participation.

FEIN – N/A – What’s Japanese for ‘Do I flaming ever get a start?’? About time he did to to prove he’s got more about him than the current jersey thieves.

JAMESY – N/A – New Year, new burds… Fresh off the Hogmanay pussay wagon, Jamesy got no time at all to do any Zombie-riding.

AZTECO – N/A – Sporting a Moussa Dembele disguise, our new South American acquitted himself well enough, forcing Buttman into a smart stop; though he must have wondered what the actual hell he’d just signed-up for.

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LIONEL RICHIE – 3/10 – All that glitters is not gold. Out-tweaked by a wee German pastry patee. Out of a job by morning mass if there’s a God in heaven…The Nancy Bhoy gig is a one-trick pony parade. Very nice in full flow, but football has a habit of punishing glam and rewarding guts. When the carnival bandwagon spluttered to a stall with a tenuous lead, he had no agency about him to kick-start any sort of retaliation after the Zombies struck.

No tactical alterations save nullifying our best player by switching wings, no inspirational influence from the sidelines as the team’s resolve fractured like spring ice. Impressive Power-point presentations and YouTube analysis with animated graphics, whiteboard magnets and vivid coloured-marker doodling…

None of these hypothetical masterclasses match the actual reality of 11 professional footballers having to implement the concepts on-field. THAT’S where you see if your intellectual designs can shape physical events. And all we’re TRULY seeing is flawed, suicidal repetition. Pumped in six out of eight, one scrapped win against 10 sheep and a basketball win on plastic. This recorded history of performances would suggest Winifred Nancy’s powers of manifestation are less David Blane and more Paul Daniels.

“You’ll like this… Not a lot, but you’ll like it!”

No. No, we don’t.

Bye.

MIBBERY – 5/10 – The flaming turkeys. A Rangers youth coach in charge and a linesman with a tattoo sleeve suspiciously heavy that stopped him flagging until he’d seen his Zombie scoring fantasy played out. And for 45 minutes there was nothing they could do to hold back the Celtic Tsunami. Yet, almost inexplicably, they’re the ones laughing up cartoon sleeves tonight. Bizarre.

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OVERALL – 3.5/10 – Happy New Year. Who’d have though that at this point in the far future the Celtic script would have already been written all those years ago by Monty Python –

A board who are so incompetent they can’t even can’t sack themselves; punters who want them to, support split into warring factions unsure of what happens after that; a French manager who spouts incomprehensible whimsy like Jim Morrison off his tits on acid but without the poetic licence; and a new loan signing who hasn’t played for four months to replace the fullback who can’t play for another three…

Welcome to 2026.

A game of one half. Our recent habit, jokingly referenced in the stands with gallows humour at the break. Surely we’d get it right today, after pummelling them all opening 45 like Joshua on Jake Paul? Well, second-half in a gleaming Paradise in the bitter chill of a January sun turned out much like following a red balloon into a sewer on a miserable rainy day in February; the evil entities were lurking, waiting to really introduce the killer-clown show soon as the whistle went for the restart.

Which is when this Celtic side hits some sort of fugue, wandering around trance-like unable to recall the dynamic, destructive force they had been all first-half. Does Bill flaming Cosby provide the half-time refreshments? This should have been the comprehensive destruction derby, a slaughter of the not-so-innocents to flip the tables on King Herod’s favourite new pretendyklub.

Instead, somehow, one alteration by their latest uber-fuhrer had us bewildered, brow-beaten and well-beaten; soon as that second freebie goal went in you knew this Celtic collective didn’t have the character or verve to come back. The third was almost inevitable, and our Bhoys finished looking incompetent and mildly pathetic, far too easily cowed despite the manager’s shortcomings.

If they want to wear the jersey, then try and fill it. That means competing regardless of backstage disputes or disenchantment. That means 90 minutes of energised belief in who you are and who you represent. I get the methods aren’t working, and not to the liking of most, I suspect. But you don’t lie down to the Zombies after 45 minutes of near papping them out of existence and get a pass for your lazy partial-efforts. No, screw that.

As for the grandly titled ‘BOARD’S OPERATIONAL REVIEW’, let me flaming fill this one in for you, Michael and Brian, because I know you’re overworked, what with sitting for hours in front of mirrors practicing your thousand-yard stares for matchdays:

The coaching team YOU employed are out of their depth. I’d provide the statistical data on coloured graphs with spreadsheet details to give you a semi but the basic numbers – six defeats out of eight, with no Real Madrid, Barca or Bayern among those opponents, are clarity enough. The match-tactics deployed are one-dimensional; conceptually-engaging, yes, but anyone can talk a good game and seemingly, if you adopt an esoteric foreign accent, beguile your ‘Football Doctor Sleep’, Tisdale.

The footballing approach is inflexible and possessing of an Achilles’ Heel – innate defensive fragility that can be, has been, and will continue to be, exploited by opponents great and small. And Zombie-ish. Giving this incumbent tens of millions of your hard-scammed filthy lucre to spend on projects he hopes will fit a vulnerable playing system is a formula designed to set the club, and company balance sheet, back several years. Get alarmed. Now.

I’d petition you to practice some harsh and timely risk-management and cut your losses before your margin-call comes in and you’re liquidated. You’ve got a few weeks to grow a backbone, bite the bullet, fire it in the direction of that hollow, repetitive Gallic echo and then pick up the phone to a hard-bitten player-wrangler who can quickly get the listless, restless playing squad into disciplined focus once more.

Before it’s too late.

Do your jobs. Properly.

Roll on 2027…

Go Away Now

Sandman

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“The details killed us today,” Wilfried Nancy

Wilfried Nancy made it through to the post-match media conference stage today without being sacked and he went on to re-assure the Celtic support that he’d still be our manager in the coming weeks as he has the full confidence of the self-proclaimed world class in everything that they do, Celtic Board…

Here’s what the Frenchman was saying after the second half collapse against theRangers led to a 3-1 defeat. Had the league started when Nancy took over Celtic would be in danger of being RELEGATED!…

Q: How do you summarise that performance from your team?

Wilfried Nancy: “The first half was outstanding, offensively but defensively also. The commitment to win the ball back, the intensity that we put in, we should have scored more goals. The second half, we wanted to do the same and we conceded one goal on a throw-in. After that, the second goal was one throw-in and the third goal was one throw-in. So this is the reality actually. I think my players deserve better for sure, because of what they did in the first half and also when they started the second half, but the details killed us today.”

Q: Why does it seem that this team can’t deliver a 90-minute performance? Because in many of your defeats, you played well in one half and then not in the second half. Why is that?

Wilfried Nancy: “This is something that we are working on. There is a bit of everything. It could be the consistency to keep the intensity. But also for me, I think the intensity was there. This is more about details. Small details today was the case with the goals that we conceded. Again, I can talk about focusing, and I can talk about many things, but we have to be better on this one.”

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Q: Those fans outside right now, they’re unhappy. What would you say to them right now?

Wilfried Nancy: “Yes, I can understand that. I think that they were behind us in the first half. They pushed us in a good way. After that, I can understand why they are disappointed regarding the fact that we had many possibilities to win the game. I know that I repeat myself, but it happened in the past also. We are in many games. I think that they really enjoyed the first half. I saw a team of players that they were giving everything with the ball and without the ball. So they see the direction that we want to go, but consistently for 95 minutes.

“After that, the fact that I know the meaning of this game, I know that and it’s worrying for them. But what I can tell them is what we did during the first half and also a certain moment in the second half. This is what we want to do. But at the same time, we know that we cannot accept to conceded goals like this. And this is something that we’re going to work on.

Q: Do you accept the fact that many fans now do not want you to be the manager of a football club? Can you understand why they’ve come to this decision? They’re still outside at the moment.

Wilfried Nancy: “Yes, the result. This is the way it is for the moment. And when I say this is the way it is, it doesn’t mean that I am a defeated guy. No. What I mean is we are really close to turning things around. And again, I repeat myself, but I can understand the situation.’

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Q: Do you worry about your own future at this point in time after six defeats in eight?

Wilfried Nancy: “I don’t think about it. I think about finding ways to help my team to be good on defence.”

Q: Do you see enough from the team to put faith in yourself that you can turn this around?

Wilfried Nancy: “Yes, I see enough, except for the fact that we didn’t score more goals. And again, the level up. I know that we lost, but I have also to be objective. And the level up that we had at a certain moment was really, really, really high. This is a reality. And I would not talk like that if it weren’t the case. But that’s why this is, in terms of results, again, that’s why I said that this is the same story. And we all know that. And that’s why I said that we are really close to things turning around. But for the moment, details, details, details.”

Q: You say you’re not a defeated guy. Do you still feel that you can succeed in this job this season? The league title is still there for you to play for. Is that how you feel?

Wilfried Nancy: “Yes.”

Q: What gives you confidence that you will turn it around?

Wilfried Nancy: “Because I watched every game and I saw many, many good things that we did, like today again. But now it’s about consistency. So my narrative would not be the same if it was not the case. But this is the case for the moment. So that’s why I am a big believer that we’re going to be able to turn things around.”

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Q: And you expect the board to continue to give you time and support in this January transfer market as well?

Wilfried Nancy: “We are together with the board.”

Q: You don’t have any fears about the confidence of the players after more defeats?

Wilfried Nancy: “When we lose, when someone loses, the confidence is going to be low. It’s clear. But we have also many things that I can show, and we will discuss that with the players, that the confidence could be high. And now it’s all about finding a balance with the details. This game today, was about details. So we can concede goals. We conceded so many goals, and the goal that we conceded, we know that we can do better. And yes, we lost again, and nobody is pleased with that because of what we did, because we deserved better. But at the end of the day, details and we lost again.”

Q: One of the accusations against yourself and the team is that at half-time, teams figure out a way to play against your style and your team. What do you think of that? Do you accept that?

Wilfried Nancy: “No, this is not about accusation. People can analyse the situation. But after that, like I said, we… I’m going to talk about today. We came back, second half, and we were on the game. And again, we conceded a goal on throw ins. So after that, yes, we want to push. Yes, we want to go. After that, emotionally and mentally, it could be a bit difficult. And we conceded a second goal like this. So it’s not about trying to match. This is about trying to find a way to be more consistent with these details. The game is like this. But the idea is to move up with that. And I think that we could have done better on that. But the context of the way we conceded helped them today.”

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Q: To be fair, Wilfried, you’ve been saying the same things since you’ve become Celtic manager after most games. What is it that players are not getting in your mind?

Wilfried Nancy: “It is not that they are not getting. I am with my players. I’m not here to pinpoint who missed the chances because everybody missed. But again, the execution, I think that this should be better. And they work every day to do it. So again, I am with my players. I want to protect my players. I know that they do the maximum that they can do. After that, there is a moment like today, that no, we have to be better in this moment, in these details. But this is what I feel.”

Q: Wilfried, you inherited a very good situation from Martin O’Neill and Shaun Maloney. Those players don’t appear to be the same players that are under your care. Would you not accept that that’s a bit of a problem for the rest of the season?

Wilfried Nancy: “In terms of results, yes. I cannot deny that. After that, they struggle through certain moments. But they find a way to win. I cannot deny that. So now, I think that small margins, because again, the first game against Hearts, if we win the game, if we score the goals, I think that it could be different. So now, this is the situation. And when we lose, it could be difficult. But I know that my players are strong also to be able to win back.”

Watch below Wilfried Nancy’s post match media conference at Celtic Park this afternoon after the shocking 3-1 defeat to theRangers…

Celtic in the Thirties – Both Volumes Half in the Celtic Star Books January Sale…

Both volumes of Celtic in the Thirties are now available on Amazon Kindle, with the links to order below. Signed copies of both volumes are available on hardback from Celtic Star Books and if you would like author Matt Corr to add a special dedication to your copies please let us know. Order hardback copies HERE or for Amazon Kindle click on the links below…

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