SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ MAROON GOONS & BALLOONS – Part 1
“Chapter 1: The Reunion –
A scraggy ginger fella in an ill-fitting duffle-coat
edged across the sunny, manicured lawns of Princess Street
Gardens towards a young woman of coquettish beauty sat on a
bench in a quiet corner.
She was flicking what appeared to be a wand at a strutting
flurry of pigeons; the man, of similar age, flinched as a couple
of the birds exploded in quiet puffs of feathers.
‘Alright Hermy… Herminnoy…Harminyee…Hairymingee…
Alright, Sweetheart?’
She glanced up, quizzing his half-smile. Her bemusement prompted:
‘It’s me, Ron. Remember? I fingered you in fourth year? Book five?
I think…’
She gasped, smiled, ‘Oh, Ron, I didn’t… Well, you’ve grown a bit.’
Nodding down, ‘Still y’know, ginger?’ Added a cheeky wink.
He grinned back, “Aye, and my finger’s still smelly; haven’t
washed it.”
She raised her wand in mock outrage. He gritted his teeth, leaned
away,’Easy tiger-ess…’
‘What do you want, Ron?’ with big eyes.
‘Well, came all the way up because I heard you were here, and I thought you
might know where… He ended up…’
‘Harry?’
‘Who else’.
‘Well you could have meant Slippy G, the wizard of hub-cap disappearances.’
‘I know about him, he gave his soul to the darkness.’
‘Harry fared no better’
‘No?’ Ron gulped, shocked.
‘I’m afraid he… Well, he did some things he wasn’t proud of…’
‘Like?’
She took a long breath, ‘Sordid. All I know is that he ended up in real
trouble. Saughton was his home, on the special wing for some months,
then out but named forever on the register of Hesabadsexman.
And his curse… it did not relent’.
‘Why? What happened after that? As if things couldn’t have gotten worse…’
‘They have him captive. He is the ward of the Budgiewoman in the TyneCastle,
where the hobgoblin hordes gather to mate and screech as Harry manages their
Quidditch team.”
‘You sure it’s Quidditch?’
‘It is the way they play it.’ ”
Extract from the manuscript of ‘Harry Potter and the Sex-Pest of Gorgie: A Sequel”
(work-in-progress) by J.K.Rowling
“And so, my fellow referees: ask not what you c***s can do for fair play – ask what
you can do for your Rangers. My fellow brothers of the l***e: ask not what a***holes
like you will do alone, but what together we can do for the fixing of matches.”
John F(ecking) Fleming. Inaugural address to the referees of Scottish football.
“A man, without his word, is nothing. A real man keeps his word.”
Moussa Dembele, August 2018. And how we scoffed…
“I’ll give my life for Leicester…”
Brendan Rodgers.
“If only their chairman was Caligula…”
The Celtic Support.
“Snakes. I hate snakes.”
Indiana Jones.
BANE – 6/10
Dragged from his supervillain’s diabolical vehicle of vengeance as he and his henchmen set off in
a convoy towards Leicestershire. Eventually smuggled to Tynecastle, beaten and thrown under a cold
shower to quell his rage.
Then Lenny spent an hour channelling Bane’s ramblings about cutting the head off the ‘Snakeman’
(© Sandman) until he was fit and able to play. Great man-management.
And did he play – outstanding goalkeeping during first-half pressure. Wonder save from Isla St.Clair,
cool as ever with his passing – and seemed to have been given licence from new boss to go long if required.
And then… Sleeping. Casual. Hospital ball across the face of his own goal witohut checking the press or big Ajer’s positioning; he was on his heels. It was a calamity that would have had malcontents wanting to hang Craig Gordon on the Celtic Way had it been his clanger.
Lesson learned – for keeper and fans; it can happen to any goalie no matter their perceived ability,
if they switch off.
TOEJAM – 7.5/10
Welcome to the jungle. Or midden. Wondered if he would be up for the physical combat and he was.
Foraged well down the right, tussled, linked-up with Snatch in a neat one-two exchange that almost
resulted in a goal but for a near-post stop.
Took the flying elbow from Hearts long streak of pish well – could have writhed about but was stunned enough not to have been seriously done. Looked even more incredulous when MIB McLean – ‘my brother played for the Gers, don’t ya know’ – flashed a red.
Kept on relentlessly in the second half, extremely mobile, quality use of the ball. Might be getting
the hang of this SPL frenzy at last.
KT – 7/10
Barnstormed them all night when there was space – getting his groove back and tonight was a stiff
test of fitness amid elbows, boots and the general viciousness we always encounter in the Edinburgh
raptor-pen.
Faded slightly due to that lack of match-practice and his usual attacking threat was less noticable
as we chased the win. He lasted out the 90, though – bonus.
BOYATA – 6/10
FFS. Maniac. Determined to show Lenny his special ability to collapse the roof in on us. Another attempt to sell the jerseys mid first-half. Took on THE BEAST more in the second-half and, fair play, did not shirk and was up there trying to net the winner, providing the distraction for Eddy to nip in.
Time to chase Snakeman (© Sandman) down the road, Dedryck and let big Jozo cement himself in there.
AJER – 7/10
Faced THE BEAST in the pit and relished the battle.
Battered all game by Ica-pica-panzer-tank but our own Praetorian guard was raised fighting
his fellow Aryan youth breeding program subjects TO THE DEATH! He was not going down.
There was to be only one winner. ‘If he dies, he dies,’ big Kris hissed every time before he
launched himself into a challenge.
He seemed to carry guilt – but NOT at fault for the penalty; absolutely hung out to dry by the supervillain and almost redeemed the situation by getting first touch on the ball. However, this is Scotland, MIBs are MIBs and he was never getting away with the slide. Surprised McLean – ‘my brother played for the Gers, don’t you know’ – didn’t take the chance to red card Kris. Probably
too excited about the gifted pen.
MORE in – Part 2, near you…
Sandman
