SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ DUNDEE
‘There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.” – Bram Stoker.
Close up of one of the tennis balls used to disrupt the match, featuring the face of Bernard Higgins who has been linked to a Celtic role
Charlie Adam of Dundee
ROXIE – 6/10 – Possibly un-nerved by the calls of ‘Squeal like a pig, boy…’from behind his goal second-half, we got the first moment of indecision on a cross we’ve seen and lost a second goal; unlike her to miss a step. Although Juran Juran about equally culpable. Aside, little in the way of saves as we coped mostly with anything they could muster barirng that error and a flurry of skill for their first.
JURAN JURAN – 6/10 – See above. ‘Shatt out of it’ is the technical term for his decision not to challenge their scorer of the second concession, allowing him to blindside a mistimed Roxie foray. Another decent game overall, however, hustling his way through from an unnatural position and looking comfortable.
Stephen Welsh of Celtic wins a header in the Dundee box
RAQUEL – 6.5/10 – Blinded by the light of a thousand flashes from cheap kodak cameras – locals clamouring to get a keepsake of her glamour resulted in a glaring missed header to kill the game right on half-time. But, like Thursday, she rallied and put in a sound match, well-focussed and competent in every aspect of her defensive duties.
Cameron Carter-Vickers of Celtic on the ball
GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – He’s the most reliable steward we’ve got – just keep him on the door politely intimidating wide-boys and let him burst out when the opportunity arises. Solid, in every sense.
Anthony Ralston of Celtic on the ball
TONY THE TIGER – 8/10 – Resplendent in new silk stockings, a gift from the worshipful peasants of Budapest as Holy Tony’s triumphant coming fulfilled a prophecy long standing from the old blind crone who lives in the swamp. Played like a Messiah too – terrific support and intensity as we savaged their left side. Added to his lore by rickrolling Charlie Adam – had him by the seat of his sister’s pants – before whipping in a mind blowing cross for Notebook to finish. Not to mention his prior contributions and assist. Outstanding game on top of his Euro exploits. But not good enough for Scotland yet, lol. Hi, Stevie, how’s Kermit?
Nir Bitton celebrates with Jota
BLOCKCHAIN (©Brimcbhoy) – 7.5/10 – What a perfect fit he is for the defensive mid role. One of the rare periods in his Celtic time that we’ve utilised his natural footballing instincts to full effect. Thrives on breaking up opponents, intelligent, crisp passer of the ball. Calmness verging on insouciance, probably a result of his assassin training. Also allows Calmac a welcome break from the rigours of backtracking and constant dig. Recovered from his Hungarian knock to add in a languid and lethal contribution to a fine win.
Mikey Johnston of Celtic and Sammy Kerr of Dundee
CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Quiet but effective; Quietly effective. No need for heroics as players around him provided the sparks and the fire – he controlled the rhythm as ever, metronome to the virtuoso performances.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 6.5/10 – Surprisingly not quite as devastating against this mob as expected, given his recent consistent quality displays. Possibly down to age (Deid). But that extra dig to his game pays dividends as he’s far more involved in the minutiae, where his touch and guile is honed. A busy match with nothing spectacular; deliveries were decent and provided comedy off-the-ball-headlock moment of the day.
Liel Abada of Celtic on the ball
ABADASS – 6/10 – Another Thursday game – in and out but full of hustle and verve. Nicking balls, zipping around; you never know quite what you’re going to get from the youngster but the majority of the time it’ll be something positive, and there’s no hiding.
Joao Pedro Neves Filipe Jota of Celtic makes it 3-1 in the 47th minute
NOTEBOOK – 9/10 MOTM – Wham, Bam! He am the man! Enjoy what you do… Fried their defenders, left a city devoted to Duran Duran cursing the bewitching powers of the ‘Wham boy’. Indeed, the local town square was crowded with kneeling, wailing, web-fingered acolytes long before full-time, all howling lament at their Simon Le Bon statue, around which someone had tied a Celtic scarf. Notebook is lightning in Hoops when the mood takes him, and that’s pretty regularly to date. He lit up the weird hovel of a ground that is Den Park with some Portuguese dazzle. That wasn’t sunshine you saw today – it was Notebook’s glimmer reflecting off the protective shields of the Dundonian Dark Gods as they cowered in his presence. If Jamesy could flash like he does he’d be in Carstairs. 7.5 million euros is £6,419,879.91 or $8,667,032.71 or 1 Bitcoin in three years. So flaming well go and buy him, Celtic.
Kyogo Furuhashi of Celtic celebrates after he makes it 4-1 in the 50th minute
MR.KOBAYASHI – 8/10 – Keyser Soze will be calling in favours soon. Japanese technology is renowned for its innovation and precision – and that header was a point zenith of everything Sony, Samsung et al have worked towards for decades; perfect technique from the Hitachi Larsson. Then came the samurai strike in the second half. With his wrong foot. All under the continued assault of a grizzled Dundee mutant named, fittingly, after a demon barber. No matter what you try Hugo-a-go-go, you just can’t cope with Koyogo. Japan mass-produces top quality products, so go and get us another, Ange!
SUBS:
Ryan Sweeney of Dundee clears from Giorgos Giakoumakis of Celtic
SON OF JACKIE – 5.5/10 – Great feet, Gerry Creaney arse, and Sebo finish. Entertaining cameo.
James Forrest of Celtic on the ball
JAMESY – 6/10 – Provided the away stand with a flash – yes, I know… – of the old Jamesy, intricately setting up Jackie for the SpaceX launch.
Mikey Johnston of Celtic and Sammy Kerr of Dundee
MIKEY J – N/A – A win bonus trot for the dying moments.
ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – Another result and display that allows Ange a grizzly smirk at the Blue-noses with laptops. What changes would he make after Thursday’s distant euro heroics? Answer: “Fackin’ none, mayte.”An interesting selection, indicating he’s getting the settled side he wants – bar Oz – and will ask players to bust a gut to keep their jerseys; a work ethic that squad rotation can slacken. I like it because it keeps the first eleven on their toes and incentivises the squad to stay sharp for their chance. So now the international break sidelines the Celts for a fortnight, but not Ange. He’s going to watch Japan. With a chequebook and a case of Sake. Aren’t you Ange?
MIBBERY – 3/10 – A performance offering only glimpses of hope from trainee minister Muir. Briefly managed to subvert current rhetoric about ‘rules’ by booking only ONE player in a scuffle – the Celtic player of course… Juran Juran for… Well, retrieving the ball from our own net. And leaving Get Carter with a bemused frown. Managed nothing more to appease his cloven-hooved overlords as Celtic slayed the slugs with aplomb, hitting the pokey faster than Muir could get his whistle to his lips or conjour some bollocks to thwart us.
Kyogo Furuhashi of Celtic celebrates after he makes it 4-1 in the 50th minute
OVERALL – 8/10 – Dundee, ‘city to be discovered’. Explorers beaten to it by the Hoops as they continued their week’s trek into vampiric darklands. Tired? Nope. “Buzzin’ man!” – Like a twirly-eyed 90s raver back from Ibiza and tweaking for more, Thursday’s win became a gabbled stream of- consciousness rant yakked into every bewildered Dundee players’ ear as the Hoops set about showing them, ‘We done it like this, man, aye? Mad fur it, we wis…”
And they got a re-hash of that Euro dynamism, pulled apart early in both halves by an irrepresible, vibrant Celtic force who are probably still jingly as hell, boom-box smashing out the cheesy-quaver tunes all the way down the road on the frenzied disco bus, Koyogo pulling shapes like a madman as Notebook break-dances and Joe Hart dishes out the pills from his backseat throne like a boss. So for us starving supporters, we are seeing the resurgence of the Celtic banquet we craved all along – flowing, intense, exciting. Not since The Snake injected the pace of Scotty Sinclair have we looked so menacing going forward.
; Celtic players celebrate after the final whistle
Sure, there are vulnerabilities at the back which will certainly be tested and maybe exploited down the line, but that is Ange’s Plan B challenge. Right now, we’re witnessing the establishment of Plan A – an eye-watering melody of Celtic favourites that puts the opposition on the backfoot and dares them to try and duet if they can even hold a note to us. Not many can, certainly not in the tone-deaf SPL where the only tune they really know is about a beauty contest a long time ago…
Onwards and upwards, with glee and excitement. Viva the Hoops.
And flock thee Diaz brothers.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
Excellent fun report, thanks for that as I missed your usual report for the Ferevaros game on Thursday.
Irony never escapes me, mate: Is your middle name ‘Or’ ?