“Broony’s going to need a bigger boat…”
Martin Brody, Chief of Police, Amity Island
“Here lies the body of Mary Lee. Died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years
she kept here virginity. Not a bad record for this vicinity.”
Quint, on Paisley.
“Don’t blame it on the Bun shite,
Don’t blame it on the Rangers Lite,
Don’t blame it on the Scouse acrobat,
Blame it on the Broony
They just can’t
They just can’t
They just can’t, take the heat
They just rant,
They just rant
They just rant, and their tears are sweet
Bun shite
Rangers Lite
Acrobat
Broony. ”
Blame It On The Broony, The Keith Jackson Level 5
BANE – 8/10
Missing from the team bus for an hour as he took a diversion to engage in mortal combat with the rampaging hordes of Feegie, the maniac in the mask made it back in time to take his place in goal.
And froze his baws aff.
But… Yet again, when called upon he’s sharp like his predecessor – marvellous fingertip save from a deceptive belter of a shot that was bending like a Halliday (Yup, denizens of Bennet’s bathrooms…) inside the post.
LUSTIG – 7/10
He’s mad and mental and still a reliable stalwart. Did not expect to see him reprise his right-back role after Sunday’s exhaustive outing but there he was, tossing in crosses, digging out clearances, setting up our first.
Finally, it appeared the stress took its toll physically and he hobbled off.
He’s finished. Aye, right ye are…
JOZO – 7/10
Wonderfully applied the rules of the Balkan war Gulags to prevent a troublesome breakaway late on; a punishing takedown of a diminutive but feisty St.Midden forward looking to capitalise on a clearance – ‘You die before the situation arises, not when.’
Took a yellow for it, but in Jozo’s culture a yellow is the staple of a warrior caste to be worn with pride, like parading an opponents head on a stick, something he’s planning for Mordor after the split.
Looks to be approaching a capable level of fitness and commitment again. Anyone see him joining in the after-match Skelping on Sunday? Big lad’s committed to Celtic. Show him some love, we get an accomplished defender to partner big Kris.
AJER – 8/10
Fresh from his appointment of Praetorian Guard to the New Emperor-Ghod of Sweden – Mad King Lustig – young titan Kris took his mighty stride into the shadowlands of Renfrewshire and continued where he left off battering Zombies.
Nearly scored early on – very unlucky as he showed grace with his footwork beyond normal assumptions placed on a centre-back. Took an elbow in the face from a naughty Fuddie. He will have his revenge, in this life or the next.
Another solid, uncompromising display from a future Celtic captain.
IZZY – 6.5/10
There is a land beyond the pale where the dragons lay eggs in day-glo caves by the shore and they hatch into beautiful creatures of Paisley-patterned hides who then spread their Paisley-patterened wings. And Izzy loves to wander the pitch of Paisley smacked off his tits on Paisley-patterned Mary Jane watching them flutter upon the ball and lift his crosses into the crowds and often carry his passes away off their intended target towards the Paisley-patterend goblins lurking in the mists in the penumbra at the edges of his vision.
And then, mostly, he held it together. Ably deputising for superhero KT without too much drama, just lacking the final-ball quality we needed to finish them earlier.
BROON – 8.5/10 MOTM
Free to play after Celtic appealed his suspension for killing off the dinosaurs and initiating both the third ice age and the Berkeley riots of 1969. Captain Marvel climbed aboard party ship Celtic and sailed towards the Eight.
Again, the collossus in the middle, excited opponents bouncing off him, the ball snapped, shifted and cosseted when required.
His consistency of performance is now truly remarkable in Celtic’s history – you may think you know how he plays, you may think you know how to play him…
Well? Why can’t you stop him?
Exactly. Boo bhoys take note – you cannot see what is in front of your faces. The skipper has dimensions unseen, a terrifyingly focussed psyche, a marvellously attuned positional awareness.
BUT… Da-da-daaaaaa…!
The ‘BT sport ref’ delivers the Bun moment. Brilliantly. To keep the tears flowing. Broon ‘stamped’ on a diddy. Did he? Diddy?
“Aye, he did!” Naw, get a grip. A laughable tumble over an opponent rolling at his feet, Broon himself carried by momentum.
I will categorically confirm there was no malice or stamping from the Celtic skipper, dear hand-wringers.
How would I know? The boy got back up, that’s why.
But hey, let’s have the ‘BT ref’ lead the Buns in a popcorn-worthy greetfest. Mine’s toffee-flavoured.
SAM JACKSON – 5/10
Skelpin’ Muthufecka returns to the scene of his ignominious decline last September.
And.. Muthufecka! Mu-thu-feckA!
The ju-ju jinx is upon the righteous in that squalid pit of dark voodoo. The penalty save, the rebound deflection, the muthufeckin’ bad luck of this bad bhoy is a Paisley mystery for the ages.
Opened well but lost his muthufeckin’ mojo after that chance to bury the muthufeckin’ game.
Subbed like a muthufecka.
CALMAC – 6/10
Another quiet one for the Quiet One. Waited upon a dynamic contribution but he floated like a butterfly with all the sting too.
Metronomed his way across the midfield lines but lacked the sharp, incisive passing we’ve come to expect this season in particular. He can’t do it every time, perhaps a chance for a rest and big Rogic to fill in.
FORREST – 5.5/10
All flashed out? Apparently. Despite leaving the Prestwick glass collectors with faces like glazed donuts on Sunday night, Jamesy had enough energy reserves to mount a fresh assault on
a Paisley eleven content to park the bus and let him run at them all game.
But, like Calmac, he too appeared a bit stale and was probably lucky to stay on for the 90 becasue nothing he tried came off against their frustrating defensive block.
WEAH – 7/10
Go USA! Libertarian Liberain-American assassin! The bolt of black lightning that is Timo Weah glided around the Paisley midden with such grace the locals thought he was on a hoverboard from Back To The Future 2.
Though space was limited by their backs-to-the-wall approach, the kid found space enough and at crucial times to get the vital opener, pouncing on Mick’s deflected effort to score a non-goal. Or was it? Or was IT?
Looked to cramp up or pick up an injury second-half but he did enough in annoying circumstances – little room to manoeuvre past their lines – to help us get the win.
BURKE – 5/10
Reined in from barnstorming the Huns due to the unfolding injury crisis during the match, the big battering ram was rolled out to blitz the Fuddies.
But he needs that touch worked on big-time. His physique got him the telling positions, his pace the edge but his guile cost him glory.
One great save from the keeper to thwart him but he was a cumbersome presence more than the rapier presence we required.
SUBS –
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 8/10
Raised form the dead before Easter Sunday to save the day and start the party – looked keen and lively and provided more relief than an Amsterdam shop-window offer with that decisive goal.
A bhoy reborn this season who has now taken two injury layoffs in his stride and come back guns blazing. Excellent.
FRENCH EDDY – 7/10
Great feet in his cameo – exciting star quality we must nurture and provide support to. Already a Skelper extraordinaire, this kid needs a striking partner of Moussa stature to let him rampage freely.
I believe Lenny would go with two up front if he’s given the job and provided with the necessary manpower. Get to it, Pistol Pete.
BENNY KOVIC – 6/10
Case solved – Huggy Bear spilled the beans on the BRexit and the suspect’s going to rope Benny Kovic back to the insipid realms of Leicestershire unless Kojak can stop the heist.
Meantime he’s there for us to use as cover and he’s got the quality to do so without causing ‘a Dedryck’.
LENNY – 8/10
Tough call to set heids back in the groove after Sunday’s skelpfest.
Tough call to maintain a consistent selection but fill injured spots and inject fresh energy.
Tough call to go into a scrapyard for a scrap with relegation fodder.
But he called it and he got through. Another no-win situation for NFL in a similar vein to Dundee and the Minis – win or bust.
He won, again. And again, it could have been more comfortable, less tense. Again – no fault of his.
Nearly there. Nearly adding to his legendary status again.
OVERALL
Night of the Long Loanees. Or short ones; Their chance to notably contribute to the title records.
One did, one failed. That one was enough. We knew what it would be like and we got the job done. But for Sam Jackson’s muthufecked-up penalty, it would have been a slaughter. Instead, they gained hope, had a go.
Like Sunday, it was an experience of two halves for Celtic – dominant but kept within range in the first, then as energy levels fell, a few hazardous moments in the second.
With news coming in early on of Grown-Up Pest Harry Potter’s side’s usual capitulation against their ‘Big team’ at the Hate Factory, we knew a win to grasp the title closer was a must. We got it. We didn’t gild it, but history shows yet another win – 13 out of 14, or is it 14 out of 15 since the split?
I didn’t even search to confirm it – that’s how good this Celtic team have been this year: so fine you can’t even keep up; can you, Zombies?
Two more until the EIGHT. Ghod bless us one and all.
Sandman
