Aberdeen 1-2 Celtic – Time for Some Definitive Ratings

SUBS –

NYLON – 6.5/10 – Whit? Don’t know. Yassss!! Exactly how does he do that? Don’t know. Did anybody see him come on? Don’t know. Is he really great, or really mince? Don’t know. Yet there he is, almost comically floating around like Invisible Boss in Chewin’ The Fat, and BAM! “There’s yer supper, Sheep, and here’s the points, Sellic.” Incredible. Or is it? Don’t know.

LORD KATSUMOTO – N/A – FFS, Daizen. Wanders on with his hair dyed the hue of perhaps some sort of exotic coleslaw you’d get in a quirky Japanese restaurant. And after a few mad-mental comical inputs we realise it’s coleslaw indeed – because his football brain also appears to be 90% cabbage at the moment.

🗣️ “Last season, he was outstanding”
🗣️ “He just needs to have a bit of composure”
🗣️ “I shouted, as soon as he goes through, ‘he’ll miss’”

Kris Boyd & Chris Sutton on Daizen Maeda’s chance against Aberdeen and his overall form this season ⤵️ pic.twitter.com/3dqqoz0df4

— Sky Sports Scotland (@ScotlandSky) March 4, 2026

JAMESY – 6/10 – A Sunday Skelper fills time to waste time, and yet still manages to set up some glory and get a yellow. The Sheep proudly proclaim their fondness for mutton, then the Prestwick Pele rocks up, throws in the winning assist, and there’s no contest; Silence of the lambs.

SCRATCHY – N/A – Up for it, as always, and was the first hooped shirt to actually put a ball in behind them after 80 minutes or something. Starts Sunday if KT rested/injured? No problem. Zombies won’t know what hits them; it’ll be double South American sicarios, actually…

MELLOW YELLOW – N/A – Big lunk gives away a last-gasp corner and spikes the valium share price.

Continues on the next page…