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Sandman is Back with his Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Broadway Musical

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SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v BROADWAY MUSICAL…

“I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”  Ellen Ripley on Covid epicentre at Edmiston Drive.

“Here in Lille, we celebrate when Louis XIV besieged and conquered thee city in1667. So ’67 is a very important year for us. Like 1967, in synchonicity with thee greatest football triumph in European history. So in order to throw a feast and celebrate these two magneefeecent ’67s, our football club has declared they weel buy in an expenseeve fat leetle piggy from Glasgow. We look forward to seeing it speet-roasted by our burly yet comically camp rotisserie chefs…” The Mayor of Lille.

BANE – 6/10

Catch it. Okay, pat it down then catch it. Alright, palm it away, then. FFS, shut yer eyes and jab at it with a closed fist and hope it doesn’t go in. Such was the confidence levels of our returning supervillain, who used pretty unconventional accounting techniques to ensure his competition for the hallowed gloves was stuck on the south coast of Gamorrah. Nervy start to the season, possible finish to his season.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 7.5/10

Suffered heavily during lockdown as sausage roll profits tumbled away. But I had three yesterday to get him back on his feet. It worked. Honed to perfection were his two consecutive deliveries to lay our first two goals on a plate. Not an easy execution in the moment but he delivered beautifully, twice, just failing to match the triple perfection of the Saturday pastry triumph.

JULIEN CLARY – 8/10

Could have scored 4. Looked right in the mood at both ends (Ladies… ) as he combated their physicality and romped forward for every corner we won. A great start to get his mindset right for crucial challenges ahead.

AJER – 6.5/10

Still here? We thought you were the Milano wunderkind? Well, the big lad’s welcome to hone his abilities around the Celtic environs while his mouthy gimp agent shills him to Europe’s elite. As long as we get his usual commitment to Celtic glory; evidenced today in another competent 90 minutes.

PINGPONG – 7/10

Word Up! Looked stronger as he sported a hairstyle nicked from Cameo. Gym and rap lessons have obviously had an effect as he rode out an assassination attempt to plunder smartly at the back post for his first of the season. The sparky wee kid is maturing and we will hopefully witness a star emerge to devastating effect down the Celtic right.

BROON – 8/10

Barely a half hour played of the new season and all the evidence we need that El Capitan is all-in for the TEN as he opened a long-term hit on his #8 counterpart, some beardy fashion-victim ned who’d tried bravely to annihilate our wee-est player. Aside, Broon exerted midfield dominance in his customary manner, quietly founding the platform from which to launch victory.

CALMAC – 6.5/10

Quieter and more sporadic in his involvement than expected. Most of his work was done off the ball, closing space and providing options. Thankfully, we never needed his galvanising influence.

CORPUS CHRISTIE – 6.5/10

Despite his Dad being busy with a raging global biblical plague, the Son Of Man has managed to present for pre-season training and friendlies without incident, or Saviour Of Mankind duties interfering. Looked suave and tuned early on, yet was another not entirely required as we coasted as a unit. Encouraging to see his timing of runs so smoothly integrated in the midfield; a big-game component we missed often last season as niggling injuries took their toll on him.

ELSHAGYONLASSIE – 5.5/10

WTF are you doing here? I’ve been busy through the plague blight and believed him to haveoffski-ed back with The Wall to Gaytown. But there he was, a first-pick, occasionally appearing on-screen, lingering on the fringes of a game we’d expect his class to dictate. Entirely unconvincing, and until he gets the finger oot, should be watching more committed players from the bench.

FORREST – 7/10

Well, ladies, isn’t Jamesy looking widswept and interesting? Nope, all the barbers in Prestwick were shut. So Jamesy was left to roam bouffanted and incognito with flasher’s mac and two masks (one which he wore on his face…). Coincidentally, the only places busy enough to facilitate exposure within a crowded environment were care and nursing homes; some of which suffered from heavy losses. Just sayin’… And they blamed it on Covid. After a quiet opening, our parabolic wingster got the afterburners fired up and we were treated to his involvement in some dynamic combos – pertinently the third goal which was a swashbuckling warning to SPL pretenders to the throne that the Celts will carve you up and fillet your soul with football incantations you cannot counter with any of your black arts bollocks.

FRENCH EDDY – 8.5/10 MOTM

Ah, he’s so damn smooth. Liquid lethality, like a T-1000 in a football shirt. He may not remain ours for long as over-bloated satyrs of corrupt Euro elite leagues circle for a piece of the black gold, but while he’s in the Hoops we’ll have a match-winner. Timing and final touch – mint. He’ll find the space, just give him the delivery. A tap-in, a controlled slot, a reactive standing-leg shin to the roof of the net, all accomplished with nonchalance.

SUBS:

New rules??  Let’s go, all-in, five a game. Jesus wept. Anyway, in no particular memorable order, as most of the stadium participated…

SAM JACKSON – N/A

First Muthuflecckin appearance in the new daym gear and this Muthufleccka was lookin’ sprite! Barley got a muthuflecckin touch but, hey, cropped afro got some air, sidies took some sun, Muthufleccka’s in it for the TEN right enough, looks like…

HAT ATTACK – N/A

Back like a… Well, like the grim assassin he’s always resembled. Looking for big things from the Hat this season – as Ajer wavers on his longevity the big mhan might just be the rock required to stabilise JC in the centre of defence, fitness enduring.

KARAOKE DEMBELE – N/A

They get so big so quick, don’t they? The wee fella’s been in the gym and on the lash by the looks of him.
With a few McDonalds Happy Meals thrown in. Blooming physicality coupled with awesome natural ability doth superstars make. Spine-tingling excitement brews at the prospect of his major participation this season.

KLIMALA KOLOR KLIMAX – 7/10

Well, here’s a surprise. Shorn-heided and sinewy, the 70s erotica shtick eschewed in favour of ‘Mad Max Fury Road’ warboy look, Patrik the Polish Pornstar announced his right for consideration with a tremendously well-taken goal, striking at the only opportune moment he possibly could have to nullify the keeper and defender and slide it in via the tightest of channels. A most encouraging strike, sir; now we wait with baited breath – could we have THREE dynamic strikers on our plate this season? Brrrr.

LENNONY – 8/10

YES boss! Hamilton the tricky became Hamilton the feckye as we finally got in about and overwhelmed a side that caused us three anxious matches last term. Lennony did get it right, setting out with just the lone striker and making sure we had enough depth of cover to counter their powerful front line; two towering strikers backed up by physical midfielders that will cause many set-piece problems for lesser sides than us IF they stick to such a game-plan. He got the perfect start to the historical campaign, and now faces a complicated week of three
banana-skins in a row from next Sunday. But like the NINE, there’s nobody I want to see attain the TEN more than the embattled Lurgan Street Fighting Man. (That was a Stones reference, ya philistines…)

OVERALL 

Go soccer! Proper soccer, with fans, almost… Spare me the tepid run of frendlies – the football equivalent of a dry hump with a disinterested hooker who turns out to be a cross-dresser; unengaging and a relief if it turns out to be rubbish in any case.

No, we want raw meat for the balcony, even if the balcony is deserted… The TEN is on, despite us having the handicap of chasing the European Purple Vase Champions of Plague-ridden Francia who triumphed gloriously in the frozen north on Saturday.

To wallow in Schadenfruede we must first take care of the small fish and avoid any nasty bites. Hamilton took us to the edge of apoplexy a couple of times last season so they’re never one to write-off totally.

Thankfully the Bhoys seemed more than aware of the historical trip we’re taking to immortality and beyond. It was Flag Day and not a Butchers’ Apron in sight. We didn’t wilt or default to early season struggles – we looked fresh and pitched in with a high tempo. There were a few wavers but that’s more testament to Hamilton’s expansive approach and creativity (which was surprising on a few occasions) than Celtic’s deficiencies.

The new regalia looks splendid – all hail Adidas for not breaking the Hoops. Roll on the TEN, we’re back and we’re going to be Breaking the Bad. (That was a popular culture box-set reference, ya philistines.)

Disclaimer: If you were offended by any of the above, good. It’s just phish humour. And your adverse
reaction is just a resonant childhood whine.

Go Away Now.

Sandman out.

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email editor@thecelticstar.co.uk

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