SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ FOLSOM COUNTY JAIL…
SIEGHEIL – 6.5/10 – That favourite saluting arm of his made a terrific and timely save to cool the County jets as they sought a second retaliation. Was a calm, nerveless replacement for Joe as the Head & Shoulders repair cream attended to his damaged scalp. Also liked his no-nonsense approach with the ball at his feet under pressure; Have it!
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 6.5/10 – A hectic full debut Celtic meant getting whacked late,
and facing up to a pair of tricky opponents whilst still applying the forward surges and inverted-nippleisms
his manager demands. The prodigy of D10S looked the part and but for an absent killer final ball might have been the star man. Like his Dad was. Always.
RAQUEL – 6/10 – Her pretty heid rattled the bar early and had good marshalling of the defence until a groin problem – not unusual when you’re as hot as Raquel – ended a promising return to first-team action.
BIG MERCEDES – 5.5/10 – Lazy big bassa thought it was a stroll until his casual lapses cost us. Most Mercs worth their price tag are automatic with cruise control, and he was firmly coasting along in ‘drive’ until he got suckered sleeping as County’s battle giant stole in for an easy nod. Not like you could miss a unit of that size moving past you but Jenz presumably thought it was an eclipse and looked away. Will need to sharpen up
for bigger challenges ahead.
TONY THE TIGER – 7/10 – Tony loves a Dingwall shindig. And on the site of his epic Zombie-implosion strike sometime around dawn in last season’s pivotal fixture he didn’t disappoint with his critical involvement – laying on two goals and a continual rampaging torment for the home side.
CALMAC – 7.5/10 MOTM – The indefatigable captain plays in a game he shouldn’t have been anywhere near and – flying in the face of my terror that he got injured – proceeded to boss the game and set us on our way with the opener while adding in a ranged effort that rebounded for Daizen’s killer goal. Then our most vital cog was finally whisked away (phew) into the rejuvenation vat where he’ll be suspended in clear-but-blue-tinted science fiction bio-liquid, pumped full of nutrients, and have any niggling injury issues repaired internally by medical nano-bots injected into his bloodstream. Yeah, like in Demolition Man or something…
MOOEY – 7/10 – Terrific game, bouncing around the mid like Tommy Gravesen on Angel Dust. Barely wasted a pass, made some incisive ones, not afraid to get stuck in and a sharper footballer than he looks from a distance; though he does also resemble my concept of the streamlined android version of Broony that Skynet might send back in time to sort out John Lundstram.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 6/10 – Some old head on young shoulders moments form our twisty-turny but not yet Tommy Burns-y centre-mid playmaker with ambitions. He’s always got a bit of footballing nous in those old boots
he inherited from Billy Dane, but the full extent of the magic is yet to manifest totally this season to date. Plenty time. Though maybe not at his age (deid)…
LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – A Zombie-hunting he will go after yet another kamikaze all-in performance that rewarded our closing-down-machine with a big goal; snapped in with the reaction speed of a rattlesnake taking the hamster Alfie feeds into the tube that pokes out the back of his shorts. No idea what I’m getting at
there. Call Richard Gere… Will we see Daizen exact honourable blitzing upon a fraught Darkside backline come Saturday lunchtime? Perhaps better to hold him in reserve to harass them second-half and stifle any resurgences. Whilst also scoring our tenth.
SON OF JACKIE – 7/10 – A big mhan with a big heart. Hearing of Corpus Christie’s traumatic day at Anfield on Saturday, Jackie paid tribute by lashing one out of Dingwall from the same position as Corpus’ finest Celtic sand wedge effort back in early ’21. Once honouring mis-adventuring posh boys was done, he clipped in a nice finish with his own standing leg, missed a hat-trick of others and tuned up for the Uglies by picking a squabble with County’s own biggest and bugliest, Iamacavity.
ABADASS – 6.5/10 – The kid needs a new heid! Sharp intakes all round as he was bouldered over in a ‘robust’ tackle and landed awkwardly. He survived and recovered and precautions must be taken because he’s looking very focused and dangerous this season and strikes me as a kid for whom the bigger the game the bigger his appetite. Every time he was on the ball and running, expectations rose. More to come, certainly.
SUBS –
JAMESY – 6.5/10 – Jamesy’s sporting the Cary Grant look and sweeping the ladies off their feet in a similar manner he swept in his goal; and not with his foot, girls…Appeared rejuvenated and up for it as he linked with Tony and overloaded County’s left flank until the inevitable dividend arrived. Fourteen seasons in a row we’ve now seen Jamesy score in; take a bow. He’s also got some goals for Celtic too.
HACKY SACK – 6.5/10 – “My grandfather, he fight in Balakan wars in 90s, but I, Sead, have been to Dingwall. My Grandfather, he now family wimp.” That was all I could make out in his post-match interview with hardcore Serbian sports channel ‘Soccer Bar Steward Now’, but the lad looks like he’s got the feet and wits of a footballer and livened up the Hoops with his tasty cameo.
STAR LORD – 5.5/10 – Would he make it 3 goals in 3 games? No, he’d get out-jumped and sell one. Damn…
MCCARTHYISM – N/A – Just happy to be there, game-time a nice bonus before warming the padded stand seat come Saturday, etc.
ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – A masterstroke throwing in Hacky Sack which scuppered County’s revival plans: Totally flummoxed Big Mad Malky, who had spent the week coaching his team to batter the immigrant from Montenegro…Before they could process it, we’d restored the two-goal lead and the result was all but sealed. Aside from such attention to detail, this was a stringent test of Angeball as a basic coaching framework, throwing in 9 changes and seeing if the mechanism still functioned with differing personnel. Nothing but satisfaction and confirmation, then, in the Big Ange Philosophy exhibition last night.
🍀 @CelticFC manager Ange Postecoglou reacts to his side's Premier Sports Cup win over Ross County, drawing Motherwell in the next round, and potential transfers
"There's some things happening, but I'll be on a bus for the next few hours and I'll find out when I get off!" 🗣️ pic.twitter.com/W8VRgEQlpC
— Premier Sports (@PremierSportsTV) August 31, 2022
MIBBERY – 4/10 – Gollum it was, current hate figure of the ungrateful ludge miscreants – no recognition of the years of service he’s given them, but that’s Zombies for ye…Tonight, as we might have expected, a few rowdy
challenges went properly unpunished and leeway extended to some flying arms and wrestling. But like so many times this past year, our football beat the MIB as well as the opposition, convincingly.
OVERALL – 7.5/10 – As risk-free and comfortable a night up North as we could have hoped for. Rugged berserkers didn’t assemble anywhere near as intractably as in the recent past and the Bhoys mostly eased to a nice victory. Kudos to those given the shirt who didn’t let the sizeable travelling rebel force down and gave us
another memorable night in the tundra.
All but a testing precursor to the coming week of frenzy and fury and flaming yee-ha that we roll into with more hope than fear and more relish than anxiety; bring on the royal jesters, both sets of them…
Go Away Now
Sandman
🚨 𝗨𝗻𝗶𝗾𝘂𝗲 𝗔𝗻𝗴𝗹𝗲 𝗧𝗶𝗺𝗲!
A fantastic performance for the Hoops as they began their #PremierSportsCup defence by putting on the style in Dingwall!#ROSCEL | #COYBIG 🍀 pic.twitter.com/7VfShtmBhT
— Celtic TV (@CelticTV) September 1, 2022
