SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ LESSER SODOM…
“Well, Ah live oan the South Queensferry beach in a shack made fae bones, inside the enormous desiccated rib cage ay some long-ago washed-up leviathan of the sea, where Ah drink moonshine, listen tae homemade dance music an’ write poetry aboot fallin’ in love wi’ a Hentai girl brought tae life by Angel Magic. How?”
– Robbie ‘Denis’ Neilsen, Heart Of Midlothian manager interviewed on ‘Life Outside Football’ podcast.
ROXIE – 8.5/10 – Soccer expert Tam McManus thinks Celtic need to replace Joe Hart…It’s showtime and the showgal is a stopper and a half! Quite brilliant save and heroic block from big Joe who’s currently living out some kind of Roy Of The Rovers twilight to his phenomenal career. Tam? Just… Hush.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – He’ll take a battering and incomprehensible abuse from the frothing
goonies along the stand and still give as good as he gets. Scrapped it out all game, winning the tussles that mattered; rises like his bread rolls to the occasion here.
STAR LORD – 6/10 – What happened? There, putting in a steady, focussed shift, then gone – a mystery of the universe beyond Carl Sagan as our Carl failed a half-time sanity test and a talking racoon was glimpsed grumbling around the dingy corridors of Swinecastle.
ainback
The Bhoy’s a deceptive animal of a player who digs the physical challenges but utilises the professional game intelligence at the core of his ability extremely well as a control mechanism; otherwise he’d be tempted to just run around smashing up wee pre-ricks like Halliday; ah, wouldn’t we all… Quite a find.
*Zombies with nothing to watch until Sunday afternoon.
He potted around after that like an octagenarian gardener trying to germinate runner beans but remained alert enough to pick out his runner – AJ storming to the byline – to kill off the filthy degenerates as hope for a second-half reprisal bloomed in their black hearts. Icing on the cake from a Mooey top performance are his post-game
interviews – so zoned-out I expect to smell hash from the telly and see him exit on a skateboard mid-sentence.
DEADLY NIGHTSHADE – 7.5/10 – ‘Aye the wee mhan canny shake off those bas…YAAAAASS!” He’s here, he’s there, he’s every flaminwhere, and BANG! – the workrate and the run-rate pay off with a sumptuous finish after he squeezes his tiny form into a gap hardly the size of Andy Halliday’s winkie – micro according to Jamesy – and
the word ‘TREBLE’ begins to flash in yer heids. He’s irrepressible and looks unstoppable.
SUBS –
MR.KOBAYASHI – 6.5/10 – ‘Wow, who the hell’s that?’ I questioned at around the 56th minute when he plucked a high ball out of the sky with a deft touch, which he also displayed later as I wondered why Star Lord had become very cool and unflustered second half. And also Japanese…
OH BHOY – N/A – On, smash about, have fun in a raucous atmosphere.
THE BUILDER – N/A – Little time for craft like the viking shipbuilders, but our builder nearly notched one for himself and delivered a few quality balls.
ABADASS – N/A – Zippy, though after being clattered kept his head down and his shins safe.
TONIO IWATAO – N/A – Your Japanese security service, please apply late-on for added Yakuza steel.
Nobody sleeps on the job under Ange’s watch. Golden times ahead.
OVERALL – 8/10 – A comfortable cup win in the frenzied cauldron of Gargoyle Road, vilified by a festering rabble on three sides of their prototype unionist Death Star; like rogue DNA from Jim Henson’s workshop got into the
local water supply.
Given the event and the high stakes, the Bhoys turned in a champions performance, eviscerating them with rapier pace and blunting their rebuke with stoicism. This was the cup game at Hearts you fantasised about – no panic, no lamentable collapse, no surrendering (see what I did there, unhealthily excited Zombie interlopers?) the treble dream. A competent, determined Celtic team out to share our vision of scooping the lot.
So… Cup semi ahead, a title maybe tied up before it to go with the Mickey Mouse Cup we wouldn’t even let the Zombies win just for a laugh. These are the magic days, Celtic being proper Celtic, upholding a legacy, forging new history; heroes for a new age, and a relish for more and more of it shared by us all.
Treble Yell Ahoy…Ahoy! Land, sea and sky!
Go Away Now
Sandman
READ THIS…Photo of the Day: When Harry Kewell met a 15-year-old Aaron Mooy 17 years ago
Matthew Marr’s debut Celtic book – ‘The BOULD BHOYS – Glory to their name’ comes out on to Friday 24 March. Thanks to everyone who has ordered since we announced the book on Monday evening via an interview with the author. Please note that all pre-ordered books will be personally signed by Matthew Marr and you can order below if you’d like a signed copy posted out to you 24 March.
READ THIS...‘The Bould Bhoys – Glory to their name’ by Matthew Marr
