Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Steeltown in the Rain

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ STEELTOWN IN THE RAIN…

“That’s not the correct The Blue Nile album title!” – Pun Polis.

ROXIE – 7/10 – Safe hands, which was surprising for a sweeper. One thing about playing for Celtic Joe loves is a return to the backie-inner games of his schooldays. Even at that, tonight as last man he was somewhere around the centre circle when Greggs sold the jerseys cheap, and scrambling Joe got lucky the pass fell to big mad-mental SkellyDeBamster, Motherwell’s Dutch answer to Marty Feldman. However, when handling and punching was required, he got everything right on a blustery, dangerous night for ‘keepers.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 4/10 – Burnout #1. As poor a game as he’s had all season. He was due one where
nothing went right, no ball broke or pass connected. If he was a sausage roll tonight, he was cold, flat and soggy. Not even slamming him in the microwave for 30 seconds at half-time would have improved the experience, merely produced more re-heated mince.

STAR LORD – 6/10 – Dear Ghod, the Star Lord experience. I’d almost forgotten the ubiquitous suicide-bombing attempt; mere minutes into the game and he’d shorted a pass like a Bitcoin trader and they had a one-on-one. Yet, as the female farmyard animals say of liasons with Alfie (and the males, come to think of it…) – best get the worst bit out the way quick. So, thereafter, Star Lord settled and got into a decent groove, reading play well and being sharp on his feet if not as crisp with the passing. Nearly lost a lower limb to a straight-leg two-feet high sliding challenge but VAR saw to that and the assailant was sent off for dangerous, violent intent… Oh, that’s right… Ludge VAR…

pic.twitter.com/8F0BSi6kAR

— Ange baw (@Angeba11) November 9, 2022

GET CARTER – 7/10 – World Cup here I come. Surely. Best of evenings to tune in as he baby-sat Star Lord for the first half hour. Displayed great positional sense to compliment his other attributes. Won every ball against numerous Californian Redwoods and held the rearguard to account as we sat deep for their set-pieces. ‘Mon, Uncle Sam – You Need Him!

JURAN JURAN – 6.5/10 – This was more like himself. Scurrying with intent and putting his nifty footwork to good use. Contested everything and put team before self, even though Qatar must be foremost in his thoughts. And moving on for megabucks in January… I’m pretty sure that’s what the board’s thinking, on the back of a good World Cup. And Tony too, fnarr-fnarr…

MOOEY – 8/10 MOTM – There’s always one. And often it’s the man least likely. Named in the Creepy-Crawly Terror Island World Cup squad, meant lot at stake, a lot to lose…But he was terrific. Combative and cultured; Drove our attacking ambitions, orchestrated our best moves from the heart of play. Halloween Broony came up trumps on a night you’d think he’d just be happy to get through unscathed. Admirable commitment and professionalism. And performance.

THE BUILDER – 7/10 – Tell you what, kid’s got some balls and tricks. Solid and cool deep in the middle. Prone backheeler for the YouTube highlight reel, and a fiesty second period where he got ankle-studded and got very lucky to walk away from it. Thankfully, the assailant was sent off for dangerous, violent intent… Oh, that’s right… Ludge VAR…

HAKUNA HATATE – 5.5/10 – Burnout #2. All the dig and effort and movement was there as Reo
hounded them stupid and took up some perfect space between lines…But when the ball reached feet he was a blip out of getting his footballing brain in synch and instead of spectacular splitting passes and strikes on goal we got more fumbling than Shagga-Zombie-keeper with one of his Rohypnol victim’s bra-straps. Rest this warrior.

ABADASS – 4/10 – Burnout #3. Not his night, even with conditions favouring his style. Wet surface, space to hit, terrified gonk of a full-back – aye, you Stevie O’Donnell, the collapsing football equivalent of a Jenga tower – but young Abadass couldn’t click. Fun trip to the sunny prison colony will do him good.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 7.5/10 – Back on it, and back at it. Celtic’s finest physio playing with a smile on his face again; giving Robert Mugabe such attention that the former genocidal dictator exited early to be plagued by confusing Hentai dreams later tonight. Right place and deadly time to notch a vital opener, then everywhere else all at once like a multi-dimensional Sunshuke Nakamura, throwing in some brilliant midfield skill to set up Jota’s wonder breakaway goal. That wasn’t. Oh, that’s right… Ludge VAR…

NOTEBOOK – 6.5/10 – Quiet-ish for him. Couldn’t quite loose the shackles of Motherwell Tin-Tinesque oddity who had a fine game hustling our Man o’ War. Yet while Notebook dinked inside time and again to no avail, he belatedly got the lyrics right and as Tin-Tin hummed along to ‘Let’s Go Outside’ our flying winger DID go outside, latching onto Kyogo’s peach of a pass, finishing off a glorious move with a world-class dinked finish for one of the goals of the season.

Even an embittered flag on that one couldn’t defy the visual evidence, the software-generated proof of legality. Mathematical certainty. Calculating-machine binary absolute. Digital confirmation of a beautiful goal. That Wasn’t. Oh, that’s right… Ludge VAR…

VAR is really working well 😳..ffs @spfl you’re having a laugh . pic.twitter.com/TgIIyz2cPa

— Alex C 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🍀 (@Yossarian_sco) November 9, 2022

Why not use this angle? pic.twitter.com/VyGXRCTuAP

— Fundily Mundely (@FundilyMundelly) November 10, 2022

SUBS –

SON OF JACKIE – N/A – Thrown on for the late hustle and almost scored a goal with footwork that would have won him Strictly Come Dancing hands-down.

TWIST – N/A – A good lump to pitch in when the going’s looking tough. Seems to handle himself, and the ball, well. I suspect we might see a lot of the Floki-physiqued viking in the coming months.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 6.5/10 – Match-winning contribution #1. Aw, naw, it’s the geriatric. There goes the pace… Well, here comes the grace to service the pace – exquisite pass to play in Daizen; right out of the Pirlo locker, or more like Puskas, given Eddie’s vintage.

HACKY SACK – 6/10 – A starting omission that did raise eyebrows. Maybe in reserve for Saturday’s half-finale? Always a tricky customer, gave us some useful ball-retention and much-needed interest down the right.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – Match-winning contribution #2. “And now, for Toyko cosplay week I will impersonate much-honourable Celtic of the Glasgow wing-star, young Porto-uguesie Georgie Michael and perform a burst, take and trap as skillfully as he, with a finish of rapier samurai blade. Also, for encore, I shall comprehend the time factor and hold origami display at corner flag as I cleverly shepherd ball. Arigato gozaimasu.” (Bows).

ANITA DOBSON – 7/10 – Ah-ha, Ange let slip what I was thinking in his presser; mental and physical burnout on the horizon after the adrenalin-lashed nights of the CL. He must have spotted it in training, and vented some trepidation with the notion playing on his mind. Evident tonight as some third of the team failed to function and Angeball stuttered and spluttered to life, intermittently effective but overall troubled and lacking the fluidity that gives our usual domestic dominion over the pitch.

He still wrangled what he could from it, and that insistence on positivity no matter the circumstances got us three welcome points; Two subs linking to win it. Now just to solve Saturday’s last conundrum before Bondi, barbies and boomerangs.

MIBBERY – 6.5/10 – My telly’s covered in streaks of tippex and my PC screen’s a mess of magic marker lines. Onside. Oh, that’s right… Ludge VAR…

Even as they showed a viewpoint from the Lisbon Lions’ stand at Celtic Park on the TV feed as ‘evidence’, they still managed to flaunt the new rules of the game in typical MIB fashion. Excited as Gollum was, he did also manage not to flash a red or refer to VAR for a tackle that may have crippled Star Lord and another studded wrecking-ball aimed at Matty O’s ankle. Oh, that’s right… Ludge VAR…

This is a shambles pic.twitter.com/THijVd2NT4

— Kieran (@Kieran_Celtic) November 9, 2022

Once more we get violated by a deviant with a digital dildo device and a piece of footballing brilliance gets confined to Neverwasland. They’re not only cheating Celtic, they’re starving the beautiful game itself in their servile mendacity.

Vermin. Watch us lift that trophy, and weep. Hard.

OVERALL – 6.5/10 – If Motherwell can do it on their budget, why not the rest of the ‘toiling’ backwater whiners? An incredible playing surface and a robust team who put up a challenge. Their support’s a bunch of suspiciously-zombie empathisers but that’s no matter – means we do get a bit of a raucous atmosphere at minimum and any win at Spruce Tree Park is a valuable one.

And on that pitch made for the Hoops to flourish, we were… Colin Nish? But maybe that’s a bit harsh; some flowing interaction that we’re spoiled with every week it seems, but…Overall, it felt like a struggle. Fair play to Motherwell for keeping at it, scoring a belter and making us sweat; The gnawing feeling was there that they’d get something.

Testament to the Bhoys’ mental fortitude again that they kept on pushing for goals and deserved more. Creatively, certainly, they’re running on empty a bit – mentally too – and need a reboot. An on-form ‘The Coonty’ will be a hurdle to overcome before a swally in the sun. One more effort, lahds and I’ll have a reason to justify 7 pints every World Cup game.

Make us dream…

Go Away Now

Sandman