SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v DUNDONIANS…
“Great investing requires a lot of delayed gratification.” – Charlie Munger
ROXIE – 6/10 – ‘What the hell is that?!’ he snapped as the ball appeared within a yard of him twice, and past him into the net. Picking it back out, utterly bewildered, was the only exercise he got all day.
TONY THE TIGER – 7/10 – When the going gets tough… Sinewy hatchet men mean nothing to the prowling, growling Ralstonaldo. He’ll take it, snarl and give it back. Here was a game today made for Tony. Physical, nasty, frustrating; everything that gets him riled up with the scent of glory. And there it was, as we howled at the moon, he thundered yet again towards their byline and scorched in the killer ball for the winner. Grrrreat!
A long-awaited victory at Paradise. We are still in first place and there can be no greater joy! Moving forward toward new success. Special thanks and greetings to the star🌟 of today’s match, Giakoumakis. Hail Hail! 🍀🍀 #CelticFC💚 #CELDUN #cinchPrem #COYBIG pic.twitter.com/RCzNiycPqG
— Ilir Meta (@ilirmetazyrtar) February 20, 2022
STAR LORD – 4/10 – Nope. Despairing rodent stretchered out on the hour as his implosion crested. Seemed a bit shaky early, as if awaiting the bellow of Tommy Shelby to point him in the right direction; suckered under the ball for their first, when he’s supposed to be the free-man alert ball-winner, no? But double-compounded the nightmare by giving away the foul that they scored the second from with another lapse and tardy challenge. Then couldn’t get to the cross first to make amends. Saw too much of him dithering on the ball and not enough of him
snapping off intereceptions and distributing it with some urgency.
GET CARTER – 5/10 – Must have thought that was going to be a cruise. Think again. Another culpable of lacklustre approach to a glorious opportunity. Had his focus elsewhere, it appeared, flaffing passes and generally
off-key when faced with crosses; not that he didn’t compete, more that he seemed caught in two minds often and was late to the ball. Projected a sense of unease in place of the usual quiet stoicism.
JURAN JURAN – 6/10 – Certainly up for it but spent a lot of time scurrying fruitlessly and not quite nailing the passing and moving trait that makes him a dangerous proposition in that inverted full-back role. But you need characters like him when the dice aren’t rolling properly. Couldn’t replicate his crossing as per Thursday – which
I didn’t credit him for and probalby cursed him…
CALMAC – 5/10 – Probably the Skip’s worst outing of the season. Absent initially, but played himself into the game and really should have killed it stone dead a couple of minutes after the break. But was just one of those days for our natural born footballer – passes misplaced, touch heavy, milliseconds off his usual alertness.
THE BUILDER – 5.5/10 – Not working in that weather, mate. Had patches when his link-up play was creating openings, but faded and lost impactfulness as they began kicking and roughing up our creatives in search
of a point.
HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – The most potent of our midfield. Little Skelper toiled as the engine stuttered and stalled but was the one who kept popping up in space and looking to cultivate something with deft clips or early slips. Sorry to see him depart, felt he was the only one with a key to the Jute Ogres’ door.
NOTEBOOK – 6.5/10 – So busy and hungry for glory. Got to give him kudos – for all that skill and Strictly footwork, he’s got guts and desire. Deserving of more than he wrangled out of their defensive block with the expectant jinking and furious movement. Damnable that his dazzling moment – the terrific hitchkick – was offside.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – Non-stop, up against their best player – The Rock – Daizen carries the honour of a Samurai warlord; refused to be intimidated, took the hits, showed, challenged, and took his moment with ferocious pace to skin the beast and smash the cross for Jackie’s second. Might have had a few himself today but for luck and hesitancy. An extremely useful and committed pest to employ in any of the front positions.
SON OF JACKIE – 8.5/10 MOTM – Ah, there it is. Top scorer in Eredivisie? Pfffft. Rambustuous target man and predator? Pffft. And so the ‘experts’ had surmised. Until today. We’d glimpsed his finishing ability. We admired his attitude to his Celtic experience. We’d reckoned that sometime it might all come together – fitness, reputation and product. So what a day to knit the trinity. A poacher’s hat-trick to single-handedly win a crucial game in the club’s season. The third glory-goal wrapped in Larsson tinsel as he hurled himself at Tony’s exocet-missile cross.
As memorable as his Dad’s Hogmanay 1990 barmaid hat-trick in sticky Vickie’s, but even more orgasmic as he turned a grim storm of rebuke and anguish into a halcyon sunset of beatific tranquility. We have a striker shaping up in the mould of Sutton/Hartson with the sniffer instinct of the King Of Kings. That’s a high mark but by carving a win from the guts of that defensive meat-grinder, Jackie’s showing he has the physicality, the mindset and the taste for glory to carry it off.
SUBS:
ROGIC – 6/10 – Great weather for you, Oz… But when he came on the finesse The Builder had let slip returned and our interactions in their final third became more threatening, subsequently leading to that winning moment.
BLOCKCHAIN – 6.5/10 – Yes, so calm amid the hair-pulling anxiety. Nullified their midfield bite and suddenly we had the ball – or, rather, Nir had the ball – and they were on their heels and having to scuttle more. And our assassin pinned them back, drew the shiv, and our prayers were about to be answered.
ABADASS – 5.5/10 – Was he going to be the mhan again? No, but he was going to give them enough trouble that we’d get more space down that flank and eventually…
ANITA DOBSON – 6.5/10 – Not alot you can do about the Scottish weather, and not a lot you can do about a team struggling to get the Angeball turbine started properly. So Ange did what all the great have before in such circumstances and roared and cajoled the Bhoys into life. Then had to rinse and repeat to wrangle a final winning surge as Angeball got beaten down by the climate – global warming your hippy backside, mayte – and a malfunctioning side. He’ll be pleased with that, and so he should. Now, go chuck Europe and tie this title up so we can party all summer as they dig tunnels under Mordor to hide from the taxman in.
MIBBERY – 7/10 – Poor Gavin Duncan must be gutted. Named after his two Dads, conceived at the master mason ceremony they met at… Eh, aye… and raised on Wrestlemania; the only explanation for ignoring the forearm smash on Jackie and witholding the red and subsequent pen that would have made the day a breeze in the high winds. So like many a MIB before him, he had the same feeling in his groin as he got climbing the ropes in the school gym hall when he checked his watch with a few to go.
And then, again like many before him, he lost a week’s worth of boner in one devastating implosion. But will see us again, because still managing to book the Celtic winning goalscorer through veils of tears is a special skill of the craft that ensures future missions of mendacity.
OVERALL – 7.5/10 – Stupid, stupid, stupid flaming sport that allows dominated shite to claw back into a contest with only two ventures anywhere near the scoring zone. So much angst in the stands as it looked like THE golden ticket of the season to Willy Wonka’s SPL title was getting drenched and torn up before our eyes. Somehow, Dundee United and chuckling, villainous legendary Celtic hero, Tony Eh, had shackled the blinding glory of the Bundesliga, European, World and Olympic Wimmin’s Freestyle Skiing champions at lunchtime, and opened a shining door of possibility.
But this season in particular, shouldn’t we know better? Surely it wasn’t going to happen again? Surely these Bhoys, under-par and frustrated out of what should have been a high-scoring humping, couldn’t pull off the Hollywood finish? Yes they did. And after all that tearing of hair and gnashing of teeth in the filthy conditions, our Bhoys got a distance clear of the Devil’s Vermin by a win and some goals.
So, breathe, and relax. Forget that troublesome bit in the middle. A day that started with theRangers spewing, ends with Bears spewing even more. And that is perfect Sunday poetry. Amen,
Go Away Now
Sandman
