SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v FEEGIE PARK STROLLERS…
“Dear Meester Sevvco company soccer team. We avait you in Armenia vere ve ‘ave many many expatriate loyal fighters very keen to meet your quintesential Breetishness weeth hugs and pesh-kabz. Yours, the Taliban.” Telegram from Yerevan to Mordor. Delivered by yak.
SROXIE – 6 (touches)/10 – Seventeen changes of costume, four avant-garde hairstyles premiered, learned three new opening numbers and had a makeover. Quietest. Day. Ever.
TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – Frustratingly non-combative afternoon. Never troubled, and mainly restricted due to wingers ahead. Sought to get involved but hardly required. Grrrr.
STAR LORD – 6/10 – A space cruise. No calamities, just a day more to bed in and experience the Celtic Park match-day atmosphere. Could have helped out at the kiosks if he’d really wanted to do something useful…
RAQUEL – 6.5/10 – Most robust outing of the defence, due to visceral presence of shaved albino mountain gorilla Curtis Main. Raquel, fortunately experienced in the physical attentions of pre-historic creatures, got some manhandling practice in ahead of next Sunday’s trip back in time, where she’ll encounter Dr.Moreau’s failed experiments.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – He’s inverted a few pastries in his time, so this inverted full-back business should come with little difficulty. Level of opposition suited him – busy as ever but occasionally tried to be a cultured footballer rather than stick to his primary task; that didn’t work out too great…
CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Rest me! Rest me!… Is something you never hear from the skipper. But thankfully Ange did hook him after an hour or so. Might have scored to add to his complete control of the middle; sights were off today, though.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 6/10 – Unusually quiet from resurrected would-be Messiah, considering the YouTube highlight opportunities available. Getting his touch back in, or preserving energy for signing contracts? Here or where? Hmm…Given the armband by departing Calmac as a souvenir. Or a joke. Corpus looked as suitably confused as me.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 8/10 – A stroll around the garden to rival Major Tom from our elderly gentleman. These are the games made for him to win single-handed, and he did…With a little help. A hat-trick and a post rattled. Not to mention his involvement in the incredible catalystic moment that servile pinkie-sucker Gollum actually applied the
rules correctly in a Celtic game. In our favour! Half the crowd passed out and missed old Eddie’s sizzler to kill them stone dead.
ABADASS – 7.5/10 – The kid don’t stop… He’ll go at them time and again until he burns out or gets results. The
latter today, including a neat header after giving us the lead with a cross-shot that broke their goalie’s fingers before thundering into the rigging. Well, not really; The most effette attempt at stopping a shot since Versace took a bullet, but they all count…
FRENCH EDDY – 6.5/10 -“Meh, thees weel be slapped een…” Eddy, fed up with goalkeepers foiling his fun Wednesday and today, channelling legendary French comedic satirist Jacques Tati, caressed a late rebound with his forearm before rilling it in off his studs with isousciance. Might be the moment to get him hyped up. Did appear pretty engaged early on while taking a free-kick but eased off (of course) as we cruised. Will he stay and play? Somebody tell us what’s the score with the top scorer?
MR.KOBAYASHI – 6/10 – Don’t do it! All decorative ornamental Samurai swords in the dressing room area were hastily stashed away near half-time as Koyogo did a Sebo and we feared he’d resort to ‘the honourable thing’. We watched the tunnel with baited-breath through half-time, tasteless pie somehow tasting even more tasteless, awaiting the finality scream of Hari-Kari.But, phew, Big Ange talked him out of it. Might have felt like it later when foiled point-blank; their keeper had been subbed half-time and replaced by Daniel Day Lewis, foregoing use of hands and just repelling us – Kyogo, Oz, Eddy… – with his Big Left Foot.
SUBS:
ROGIC – 6.5/10 – Oz rebooted. Late cameo, impactful, as denied a cheeky flip by ‘My Left Bit’ in nets, then delightful slip to set up Eddie T’s third.
MAN OF – 6/10 – Appeared nifty and neat and taking no prisoners. Got a laugh in at Gollum yellow carding him for not hitting anyone.
THE YETI – 6/10 – Definitely slimmer, less angry, and keener. Is this a new thing, or are we biding time before shipping him back east in a crate?
ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – Most attacking line-up seen on the entire British mainland since the vikings arrived looking for blood and whores; They were stopped at Paisley, by way of coincidence…And we only got 20 minutes of Angeball before the contest was practically ended by the opposition’s self-inflicted punishment; Completely shocking Koyogo. So it all transpired that Ange got to witness a useful training session before the big week ahead; Noice, mayte.
OVERALL – 7.5/10 – So we keep up the August league average of 6-0 a game. And if we are still maintaining that after next Sunday you can retrieve me from the opium den/brothel with Noodles sometime mid-September. May well have been 10 if not for the aforementioned Daniel Day Lewis and his annoying big left boot performing last-ditch wonders for them second-half.
The Miracle Of Gollum set the tone; our players for once had some protection (expect that rebalanced next Sunday lunchtime…) and just played them into submission. What a sprightly, hungry, electric contrast from January’s turgid gubbing, eh Lennony?
On we go, into the coming storms, showing no fear, wearing bemused and hopeful grins. A trip to Holland, then a trip to a place with even more Oranjemen. Two wins, universe! Do you hear us Odin?! These bhoys
will honour Valhalla! In fact, a midweek draw, then dishing out a sound thrashing next weekend will do me…
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
