SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS – CELTIC @ BEGBIES XI – Scottish Cup Quarter Final
“One Neily Lennon, there’s only one Neily Lennon..Lennon…Lennon, ya durty
weegie bast…one Neily Lennon, only one…Durty weegie b…Lenny…Aw fecksake,
man, Ah’m confused as a junkie at herbal remedies fair, likesay…”
Spud
BANE – 7/10 Almost N/A
Mini’s blunder blamed on distraction through vengeful Snakeman (©Sandman) thoughts.
Again back in salt ‘n’ sauce land he was still in retention of the jersey and remarkably,
given the winds, rain, and contested nature of the match, had – as described by ‘Little
Women’ author, Louisa May Alcott, – ‘feck all to do’.
LUSTIG – 8.5/10
‘His legs have gone!’ ‘I much prefer Toejam because he makes me feel so much more
politically correct, other than cheering on a psycopathic Swede who resembles any
number of the Hitler Youth you’ll see frequently in ‘Yesterday’ Channel Nazi documentaries…
And in he came, just to prove how invaluable his experience is, and how able our new
manager is to pick a team to suit conditions, you whiny green-zom bams…
Excellent shift from the Scandanavian wildebeest – utterly solid in the tackle and
utterly commanding as he prompted all around him when the heat was on; watch
and see.
He was, as my wife is want to sigh after a swingers party, just what we needed.
Haha- I’m only kidding; I know nothing of the parties my missus frequents every
weekend…
KT – 7/10
Rough around the edges, but getting there. Some dynamic action, some disappointing
end-product, but our superstar and future captain is back and fit for battle. He needed
all of his energy reserves to get through today.
BOYATA – 8/10
He’s still fecking here but he’s still fecking producing. As much as I like a good sweary
about our Costa-del-Sol-cornrowed rebel, he is exhibiting total professionalism and giving
his all for the cause. A day like yesterday was made for Downfall Dedryck but we got Determined
Dedryck who earned his extra piece of coookie in the footballers-without-a-grip-on-reality
Petted-lip Tuckaway Contest.
AJER – 7.5/10
Great Sunday League defending from the big bhoy in Sunday League conditions that
levelled-out the sides. Made some telling plays (like that NFL fanboys?). He still exhibits a
little too much nicety for my liking – appears to engage magnanimously in conversation with
opponents when it’s obvious they’re cheating/sleekit bams; hi there, Kamberi.
Eventually big Kris will have the decency excoriated out of him by the corrupt Scottish
Football establishment and I look forward to a murderous blonde Aryan berserker taking
no prisoners; be careful what you wish for, Huns in officialdom.
BITTON – 7.5/10
He’s such a good footballer. Did you know we’re down ALL our first-choice creatives?
Did you notice? The big man is neat, tidy and now pretty clinical; fitness levels nearing
peak – bursting through in the dying minutes, and performing such a complimentary role
it freed up Broon – again – to strike.
Like young Corpus Christie’s emergence early in the season, Nir gives us another late-season
dimension to ease the pressure.
FORREST – 8/10
BAM! Out of nothing. Dalglish-esque wriggling trickery to make the space and a finish that
screamed top-corner or get off the fecking bus. He struggled first-half with the state of things
but came roaring into it after the break and that goal was VITAL in the course of the season.
A stunner!
“In yer face!” hollered Jamesy to the masses behind the goal as he took the adulation and
banged his chest. Last night in Prestwick bars they were issuing goggles to young burds afraid
of pinkyeye…
BROON – 9/10 MOTM
Superlatives? Another legs-gone old-stager? Hahahahhaah… How the ‘qualified’ opinions of
some are being shredded. YET another masterful performance from the skipper. YET another
imperious chest-puffed leader’s display, refusing to allow the adverse weather to overwhelm
of illicit mistakes. Pompted, passed and controlled the midfield; no mean feat on a coo-field
against Hibs’ pace.
And his goal? ‘Foot like a traction engine’; a strikers sense, touch and finish. Broon will be
top-scorer by season’s end. On the one true King Billy’s birthday, he hailed Caesar in the
finest way.
SINCY – 7/10
Worked his socks off. No hiding, no lightweight half-hearted runs; despite not a lot coming-off
he remained the constant free-wheeling threat they feared and we want him to be all the time.
‘Gear guid?’
“Aye, man…”
‘Whit’s wrang, catman?’
“Gauchin’ done but Ah’m seein’ a giant Sonic the Hedgehog doon there, trying tae tak’ a
corner fur the weegies…”
‘Eh? fecksake, man, aye – here’s the wean’s empty Buckie bottle- chuck it afore some bam
double-taps the ‘A’ button and he superzooms aff…”
(won’t hear much about that one, eh SMSM f*nnies?)
This was not a day for a player of his sophistication but you do not slack under this new
manager- right, Sincy? I was surprised how little fell his way or ran for him; ultimately encouraged
as it’ll all come together for him sometime soon – and probalby devastatingly so – if he keeps up
the work-rate.
BURKE – 7/10
The barnstorming bodysnatcher has revelled in sentiment these past few days in Edinburgh as
he’s traversed his old stomping (or digging…) grounds. But even though Lenny partnered him
up-front today, Eddy just wasn’t Hare.
But our wantaway/wantastay? WBA property is putting in everything he’s got to see the Hoops
to glory. Very unlucky not to get on the scoresheet/create something today. From down the middle
to wide right he tormented them with his physical prowess and running. Comically denied a free-kick
by eyes-in-the-back-of-my-blue-heid (blind pen he gave to the Zoms’ Broadfuck a decade back,
wonderers) Gollum when the big man had wriggled free and was powering his way
into their box. Somehow wee Wullie (true apparently, ladies…) contrived to deny Burke ‘tripped’.
Himself. Of course he did, Wullie. Yer forelock’s running out, soup-taker…
FRENCH EDDY – 6/10
I expected more, but then I was watching it all in the robust comfort of a bar with half-a-dozen
pints and a couple of dozen Bhoys. Eddy was freezing his Gallic knackers off in Junkietown on a
pitch like Rooster Cogburn’s back garden.
He threatened to cause havoc early on and a slalom or two appeared likely in the second-half
but overall he didn’t fancy it enough to make those vital yards or telling impact. Ultimately,
the only words escaping his chittering lips were not of encouragement; “Feck thees.”
Better days will come with better weather though he still set-up Broon’s goal..
SUBS – N/A
Nobody got enough time to impact.
NFL – 9/10
Even better than Wednesday. On a hiding to nothing at his old stamping ground. He picked a team to play the opposition and the weather. He quit the sh*t and delivered the direct action the conditions required; a total equalizer of a day that started with a real challenge for Lenny and ended in vindication of his management.
He chose the players to get him thorugh it- the men he could rely on in a battle; Broon,
Lustig, Teirney. And he went with two up front, so to speak by giving us Burke and Eddy
starting together.
The latter worked nowhere near expectations. But had we scored in the first few minutes
– ended with a very unlucky deflection off Sincy’s heel not going in – we may have
pummelled them with that combo. It remains to be tested on a better pitch in better
weather; Aberdeen at Celtic Park next week?
Moved Jamesy central – the ‘Number 10’ – JUST as he did to win that famous Champions League
qualifier against Karagandy.
Anyway, THE result we wanted in THE worst conditions for us; win-win was Lenny’s week.
OVERALL – 8.5/10
Enough said about what the team faced today – we got what we came for and that’s all
that counts, escpecially in the cup at Easter Road.
It was tricky, tough and required all our quality to edge it. Thought Hibs looked the sharper side first-half with the wind, etc favouring them, but second-half the Hoops took control.
Disguised as Dortmund worked long enough for them to retreat into their own box and then a couple of blinding strikes brought the house down, and the curtain down on Hibs’ cup hopes.
That’s what it took for us to get through – knowing we were good enough and knowing there
was something special in reserve. It was a great win.
You won’t hear much about it after finishing this mayhem – Succulent Lamb Jabba’s MSMS will
be all over it about the devil-worshipping pyromaniac who tried to burn down Easter Road
(although you could have just left them chasing the dragon with the heater still on…).
I said to the guy in the pub next to me when I saw the pyro – ‘SOMEBODY COULD DIE!’
He looked back and asked, “Whit? Did you say SOMEBODY COULD DIE WITH THAT ONE
WEE FLARE?”
‘Aye,’ I nodded, ‘SOMEBODY COULD DIE!’
He agreed, “Yes, SOMEBODY COULD DIE! YOU’RE RIGHT!”
‘Yes,’ I concluded, ‘SOMEBODY COULD. DIE, I MEAN. YES. SOMEBODY…’
“COULD DIE!” he surmised, and we tightened our lips and shook our heads, frowning like
good concerned citizens who read the Scottish newspapers…
Celtic are basically FOUR games away from a historic TRIPLE REBEL TREBLE – win the semi,
the final and pump the Zoms twice in the league and it’s ours.
No matter where you are or the opinion of Scottish football held by others, to achieve that
is a minor miracle given the society we evolved in and exist in, the institutionalised bigotry
of this ‘great’ wee country and the establishmentarianism that has attempted to thwart Celtic
at every juncture over the past 131 years.
The only reason Scotland is a noted name on the world football stage is down to Stein’s Lions’
pioneering performances, and ‘ra peepil’ of this English loyalist outpost have never gotten over
it, and never will.
‘Ra Wuruld’s Maist Successful club’ narrative was contrived to combat the glory of Stein’s
Holy Grail win and without even considering the utter mendacity and downright LIES perpetrated
to maintian that fallacy, we stand on the brink of eclipsing it ALL.
Yesterday, on the advent of the Great Caesar’s 79th birthday, we took a big step towards the endgame.
Hail, Hail Caesar.
Sandman, still worried about what could happen, to SOMEBODY! Out.
