SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v JABBERWOCKY…
ROXIE HART – 7.5/10 – A curtain call before a full house. Does it get any better for a seasoned pro, or even an ambitious showgirl? Would she show some class in such a gala occasion? Man, those saves; world class stops right there to evoke memories of The Wall. Then channeled Barkas to fluff under pressure, although let’s nail it right here – she was barged off the ball; a certainfoul. Gentlemen, we have a proper big bar steward goalie to save the skins. Now, go pump those Bears thoroughly.
TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – We’ve had the Maradona, the Bergkamp – could he possibly add to his Phoenix From The Flames great goalscorer re-enactments? Nope, never got near their box but did manage a fine tribute to the Zidane ’06 headbutt with a dizzying clash first half. All in, their tricky winger kept him busy and harnessed to his primary task, which he did well. Great defensive header from the deep, in the second half.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 7.5/10 – Hot like a microwaved coffee from his shops. “There’s yer Frappalattecinno..” Less hesitancy than ever before saw him bursting forward with intent. Great play to set up Eddie T for the opener. Appeared to have the right mindset for a change. Got the job done without the usual crippling deliberation. Probably his finest game in the Hoops.
STARLORD – 7.5/10 – No real test on Sunday, so tonight saw his mettle laid out for a fullish house examination. Handled pressure well, was crisp and alert with his passing, good read on their breaks too. Marvellous goal-saving block at 2-0 to cap his galactic night off.
RAQUEL – 7/10 – This new hairstyle’s working for Vogue, and us. Seems able to see the ball better and her interception rate was top notch – managed to get a block, nick, heid or boot on anything slung into our box. Missed one at the other end she should have hit the target with.
CALMAC – 7.5/10 – Captain Duracell has approached this new, and now vital, season with a new battery pack which at times seemed atomic-powered as he gathered deep and burst into life. Almost yet another exemplary perfomance…Crazy passback to put Roxie in trouble. But I suppose we got to see the best of her because of it.That’s Calmac – he’s a school of excellence in himself.
ROGIC – 7.5/10 – The swagman with the swagger. And to think I’d written him off as one of the leavers. Not for Oz – he’s staying on like a school sixth year who knows there’s going to be more spare when the apprentices and shiftless have bailed out. Those sublime big antipodean feet are a lesson in excellence, gliding out of trouble into open waters like a barracuda slipping a big white on the Great Barrier. An hour of Socceroo enlightenment to savour. And more to come.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 7/10 – Is he the resurrection. Who rolled away the stone? If he could’ve rolled the ball with a little more composure we’d have scored ten, but his final touch was off. Will he stay, will he go? Not sure, but as The Maestro might observe, there’s a buzz about him.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 8.5/10 MOTM – Takes him a month to warm up, and that’s in summer. We need antifreeze for the coming winter. Yet, this was the silken best we knew he was capable of. Influencing a big-ish game. Against a side better than most of the SPL (Yes, slow-reading Zombies, I might be talking about you too…)
He can do things with the outside of his boot that should be on the specials menu at a top-class brothel. His two goals were extremes of beauty, the casual slip and the slashing strike across the ball. There’s an elite player in there waiting to emerge. Keep him focussed.
JAMESY – 7/10 – Now ye’re talking! – buzzing Jamesy put in the longest warm-up in history as he surreptitiously counted the targets – sorry, burds – in the capacity crowd. And it paid off. I didn’t see exactly what happened right after he scored, but it was telling enough that he only had one arm in the air to celebrate, and three people were stretchered out of the front row minutes later – two girls in a state of shock and a guy with a misbegotten smile fixed on his face.
MR.KOBAYASHI – 7/10 – This being Glasgow, and Celtic having a burgeoning superstar from the far East – our Green Rising Son (see what I did there, flag pun fans?) – it’s only natural to see three wee boys running about near the stadium dressed in their sisters’ kimonos and wielding Samurai swords (available now at the Barras’ ‘exotic ornament’ stall, kids…). Readymade answer when challenged by armed cops: “Kyogo, mister, innit?”
And you put on a 18/1 bet on Jamesy, Turnbull, and Mr.Kobayashi all scoring and you know there’s one certainty in that trio…
NO!
Damn the Gods, he did everything but put it in the net, foiled by a fine goalkeeper and a blind linesman who doesn’t know the offside rule. Never mind – watching his Larsson-esque perpetual motion is satisfying in itself.
Subarashi, Kyogo San.
SUBS:
FRENCH EDDY – 6/10 – An impactful cameo by the slaloming superstar – impetuous dink which fell for Jamesy, plenty of movement.
THE YETI – N/A – Appears to have been shaved. Or maybe just lost a few pounds.
MAN OF – N/A – Getting a feel for the Euro arena, because we’ll need his resistance against the Dutch.
FIELD MARSHALL – 6.5/10 – Game kid, dished out the big sticks and took a yellow for it. Then that hairstlye impersonated Messi for a great run that deserved a goal.
ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – Angeball taking hold, the support warming to it – bar the Danish mishap there’s an air of expectation gathering as well. He’s only a few results from being lauded, an acceleration from General of the legions to Caesar within a very short space of time. We hope he’s smart enough to keep his own expectations on an even keel, heid doon and focussed. I think he might be. Last night was a character and professionalism test. Cracked it, mayte.
OVERALL – 8/10 –
Did we really need to play? It’s been such a satisfying week of soccerball so far, I almost forgot I was going to be sitting behind Hart, yelling ‘Roxie!’ at him just for the fun of it. Perplexed, was how I’d describe the first glance. Then ‘ignored’…
Aside, he’d a few moments of brilliant involvement that interrupted the entertainment in the stands. Which was the tone of the night; How the masses enjoyed themselves in Paradise once more. A sight -and sound – to behold. Everything went as smoothly as we’d hoped – Jabberywocky soundly contained and put to the sword, the team given another 90 minutes to get familiar and match-fitter.
So after a year of mostly grim misery on and off the football park, suddenly comes a week of hope and schadenfreude thanks to Dundee’s teams, Jaberwocky and former pests turned Swedish porn superstars, Malmo.
Appearing together like two late buses laden with chests and wine (Or knobs, ladies/rainbow supporters…It’s actually just a Game Of Thrones expression ), the Zombie implosion was iced by a vibrant Celtic resurgence that continued last night..
We have rediscovered dynamism and tempo and hunger. The Holy Trinity shall not be denied.
Sponsored Advert: Coming to a Zombie Shop near you this Christmas! – A new Hi-tech Betamax tape release commemorating an epic inaugural Champions League campaign this season!
Watch! – As El Fluffalo scores a wonder goal with his favoured chicken-wings hand to edge ahead of Davie Dodds in the All-Time Ugly scoring charts!
Watch! – As overpaid bottle-merchants con 50,000 spewing gimps into purchasing XXXL effete lilac pinafores!
Watch! – As care-in-the-community co-operative performing arts troupe The Onion Brigade lead the unforgettable rousing full-time chorus of condemnation that could be heard across Glasgow.
Watch! – As Jan Dahl Tomasson’s smile lights up sections of Mordor that have known only darkness, and sends fizzing bigots scrambling into the shadows.
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Go Away Now
Sandman
Excellent piece by the ever entertaining Ed