SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v KILLJOY…
“Basketball isn’t just a sport, it’s an art. One that must be mastered to succeed.” –
Stephen Curry.Conor Goldson.
ROXIE – 6/10 – Easy, Joe, not a lot to do. Don’t worry about the opposition – concentrate on your own defenders…Save of the day was made with his big toe from the Star Lord Sunday League hangover back-pass. Sure, Joe’s had problems with the ball at his feet, and therein lies the crux – ‘at his feet’, not teased a few inches out with his reach. Luckily, he was alert enough to recover the moment.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 7.5/10 – True to his heritage this wee man’s got speed, invention and
personality. Through turgid times in the first 45 he was a spark searching for ignition. He found it in Daizen, sliding a perfect ball in to set up the crucial opener. Always buzzing to be on the ball and forward-thinking; we’ve picked a World Cup winner, circa 2030…
STAR LORD – 6/10 – I don’t like to see Star Lord on the ball. I like to see him pop up intermittently, like Andy Murray returning in a doubles rally, intercepting, swatting away danger. Pretty unsettling when he’s focal, meaning there’s little grip in the midfield. As was the case throughout the first half; game played at his pace.Then, when he had some relief second period, he got a tad casual and was careless; or at least I hope that was the case – if not, then he was trying to pap one past Joe…
GET CARTER – 7/10 – The Rock. Going to eat some Killie munchkin next week who nodded him in the mouth. Nearly scored a bullet header, made a classic goal-saving tackle near the death and generally swaggered around in Hulk mode, defying anyone who attempted to get past him.
WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Home debut, no change here – repeated his solid efficient outing of last week, threw in some deft touches and displayed the physical attributes he spoke of in his initial presser. He looks a smart kid, synching immediately with the patterns of Angeball and has some dynamism about him too. Scottish winters are no problem; this is practically summer compared to the Mammoth territory he was extracted from.
CALMAC – 6/10 – Wherefore art thou, skipper? Anonymous for the first half – part of Killie’s ‘game-plan’ to man-mark him out of proceedings. But quality tells, and as the game wore on he wore off the pest and started to get some influence. Should have iced the cake with a late third but treated Jock Stein hospitality to a touch of the match ball.
MOOEY – 6.5/10 – Cross of the day award. Whipped in a perfect ball while we toiled that found no takers. Probably the highlight of that half until the opener. With Calmac shadowed, Mooey took up some slack, cultivating a number of promising openings that were unfortunately off the wavelength of others; i.e they were flaming sleeping.
HAKUNA HATATE – 7.5/10 – When Reo found his feet, so did Celtic. Much industry, no reward until the 50-oddth minute which delivered a decisive blow from his cultured boots, finding space laying on the chance. Continued to harry and hustle them into submission with busy midfield dominance. Hooked with great honour once the damage was done.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 8/10 MOTM – Sometimes you need an injection of adrenalin. Here it is in human form. Depressed by the turgid stoical resistance of the Ayrshire Bears, the collective struggled to find enthusiasm and creativity. Then you get the likes of Daizen, mentally removed from the grind as he seems to operate in a world of his own, some cartoon Mangaland where physical limitations are secondary to whizzing superheroes and quirky memes. In came our mix of both, lighting up the dull January day, bursting with verve to make the run onto Diego’s perfect pass and for once to find the precise final ball that gave Jota the tap-in. Possibly may have had a hat-trick himself had his finishing been half as good as his maniacal careering runs. But this was
a day where his talent found a pay-off, and we found his talent in the nick of time to turn a tricky slog into a surging three-point advance.
KILLER MUSHROOM – 6.5/10 – Aye it was his goal, but of course they’re going to change it to
an O.G, insipid Zombies; He got the touch, it skims in off the defender. A deserved breakthrough after one chalked off, one stolen off his toe, and an afternoon being swamped by cumbersome, cloying irritants like
Ash Taylor, poster boy for the dudes that can be found still skulking around the shadows of nightclubs when the lights go up at 4 am.
NOTEBOOK – 6.5/10 – Appears to be coming out of flu/cold/covid/ebola recovery and seeking to get back to his flurrying best. Always looking to exploit gaps, get on the ball and make something happen despite his head being a nanosecond swifter than the dancing feet. Rewarded with the opener, not quite the explosive second half we may have expected but we can afford to cosset him until the big games demand his input.
SUBS –
SON OF JACKIE – 6/10 – The big guy can’t buy a goal currently, and we await to see if anyone wants to buy him. What’s he worth? Probably more than you’re willing to pay him, Pete, ya sleekit so-and-so….
ABADASS – 6/10 – Positive trickery and goalscoring intent arrived on the park with him and he was but a composed swipe away from notching one himself and creating others.
THE BUILDER – 6/10 – Another with ‘goal’ in his Amazon basket since August. Defied once more
by desperate defending and a great save, treated us to a sublime ball in for CCV’s header. Will come good in time for the season’s climax.
EDDIE TURNBULL – N/A – ‘Turnbull turns back’ was the cry. From commentary. But good to see
him mobile again, especially during flu season…
JAMESY – 6/10 – Witness the extraordinary, ladies and gentlemen – Jamesy arriving
late to a party that’s offering opportunities galore and NOT scoring. Must have been the aftershave…
ANITA DOBSON – 7/10 – The team we expected on Monday finally makes it off the teamsheet
and onto the park. And plays like Monday’s second-half dregs were still contaminating the water bottles. No pasaran said Killie for 44 minutes as the Green Brigade tried to lift the tempo that the Bhoys could not. Then the breakthrough, then the half-time talk, then the second 45 of more-like-Angeball that produced one killer goal and threatened ten additional. Nearly ‘One of those days’, ultimately well-managed through.
MIBBERY – 4/10 – Tricky wee Nicky had the breakup plays in mind as they got away with nips and time-wasting. But ultimately he couldn’t manufacture enough itrritation to get into Celtic heads before our relentless nature eclipsed VAR possibilities and he got bored trying.
OVERALL – 7/10 – That’ll do. Always a relief to get a win after a below-par derby display. And you knew today might be a struggle given the visitor was whiny, grumpy Deek McInnes – coupon like a torn-faced badger struggling to come off quaaludes. But, agitated ex-Zombie aside, we found our footing in time to stay any
anxiety from becoming overwhelming or debilitating, or stimulating any unhealthy excitement among the forces of darkness.
The Hoops reasserted themselves and their mojo in a vibrant second-half during which we hit wood more times than Kent in The Blue Oyster Bar dark room. It was exactly the 45 minutes we required to get the Bhoys back in the title groove and looking towards the finish line with relish. Now it’s
time to hit Tesco for their leftover Xmas popcorn and settle down tomorrow afternoon to watch Charlie Mulgrew telling Jeremy Beadle he’s making that ‘manager of a big club’ thing up.
Dedicated to…
FRANK McGARVEY – Fopping about up front for early-80s Celtic, with a mad barnet right off
Saturday morning kids’ TV, and even madder bendy legs, was a striker with a bite called Frank McGarvey. Frank might have looked a bit awkward for a Celtic forward, but that was only until he got on the ball or near it. Then you witnessed touch, awareness and a killer instinct.
In my eyes, Frank’s greatest Celtic moment was his last, and one he gave a young me too, rolling around the Hampden terraces in a joyous, deadly writhing crush of delirium after he’d launched that 50-bob bit heid at
a Provan cross and won the cup against Dundee United. Magic day, magic Frank.
Taken too soon. A guy remembered as an admirable player and an amiable bloke; colourful, controversial, and lived out the dream of many, many thousands with a grin on his face. Sleep well, Frank McGarvey; the bhoy
did good. RIP.
Go Away Now
Sandman
R.I.P Frankie bhoy. A man for all seasons. A goal for all seasons. 14/3/81. What a screamer. Then of course, there was THAT goal at Hampden.
Hail Hail.