SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC V OLD FIRM FC…
“We want the fixtures changed. For…Reasons…Scotland, ‘n ‘at, y’know? Aye, and we want Xmas moved too – Tae summer, like in Ozzieland. So’s we can be more like Big Ange…”
ROXIE – 8/10 MOTM – Just magnificent. Everything you want from a keeper in such circumstances – that double-save piece of goalkeeping verve was deserving of a match winning accolade. Such a damn shame it will be forgotten, swamped by the dross of his colleagues’ capitulation.
🙌 #CelticFC play a quick freekick and McGregor plays it into Taylor’s path who shoots from the right of the box low into the bottom right corner. COYBIG!!🍀pic.twitter.com/aQT6nDMcIk
— Celtic Football Club (@CelticFC) April 17, 2022
GREGGS THE BAKER – 5/10 – Yeah, nearly took the Danny McGrain memorial trophy from 1980 as the solo-scoring ‘skelping left-back via deflection; and it might have been the game-of-a-lifetime’s memories for the
embattled defender had the final 15-minute collapse not transpired. However, overall, he was abject; worst game this calendar year, ridden senseless by Tavpen all first half and only spared more anguish by Daizen going wide-left to contain their threat after the break.
CELTIC LEAD! 🍀
A well-worked free kick and with the help of a deflection Greg Taylor breaks the deadlock with just his 3rd professional goal 😱#ThisMeansEverything pic.twitter.com/V7dph0Se4M
— Premier Sports (@PremierSportsTV) April 17, 2022
STAR LORD – 6/10 – Heaven’s sake, just relax and stop fretting. No Hampden in the sun for the Racoon to bask in as our slovenly display culminated in torment; and though he waffled a few erratic balls into the ether, he wasn’t the worst of a bad lot.
GET CARTER – 5/10 – Ah, big man – it was right there. The treble in yer boots. And as he struck the bar my Spidey-sense tingled and the joy of a scrappy triumph began to disintegrate towards grim portent. And he lost his way, his presence, finding the addition of Aribo contesting high balls a nuisance and ultimately a loss of his defensive dominance; letting them find the space in the box to swat home the killer blows.
JURAN JURAN – 4/10 – Oddly ineffective in a game we know he’s made for. But also a measure of the inept collective display – ended in a nothing-burger early retiral.
CALMAC – 7/10 – Ye’re an absolute champion, Calmac. And, God-willing, will be in a few weeks. Despite the utter depravity of the opposition and the paucity of talent on display, he continually strived to lift us above their grind, to prompt his Hoops into life, and footballing superiority. That nobody paid heed, or reacted positively, is
something of concern to his captaincy, and something he needs to sort out without empathy given how crucial
the next five fixtures are. i.e He needs to kick some flaming arses with impunity.
HAKUNA HATATE – 5.5/10 – Nah, the wee fella took some hits with his usual excess of geniality – somebody tell him it’s the flaming Zombies ffs. But he never got free to apply himself of make the impact we’ve seen or now expect. However, that comes with the caveat of having to play with ankle ligament damage…Because this is Scotland, and the Old Firm FC are screwed.
ROGIC – 6/10 – Ach, Oz. Kicked out the game yet still able in his moments to offer glimpses of the mercurial talent we know slays the vermin. That he was ultimately ineffectual and stifled says more about our lack of verve and inventiveness than his role in the side. For flaming slow-readers – we never played him in quick enough or often enough and when we did – about twice – he caused havoc. Wasted.
NOTEBOOK – 4.5/10 – A fine line today between the sand-dancing Mikey Johnston gets crucified for, and the expectations he’s failed to live up to for a good few games now. Choices off, final balls utterly ineffective; how many millions should we pony up given that impotent showing? Hmm…
LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – Captain Quint leaned over wee Gio’s tiny school desk, breath heavy with whisky: “I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I’ll find him for three, but I’ll catch him, and switch him off, for ten.”
But the Zombies are skint and the only man capable got eaten by a shark and his boat, the Orca, wrecked. So we let Daizen loose on them and he bustled and rattled their cages like a Goodfellas hustler and still got no reward for his beyond-Bladerunner human-cybrid closing-down-machine perpetual effort. If only others gave such guaranteed commitment.
ABADASS – 3/10 – Look, the kid’s been a ‘skelper extraordinaire in his short tenure; But yesterday he was a ghost in the machine, barely notching a touch let alone threat.
SUBS:
THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – Plaudits for coming on to enhance a stacatto performance when you’re used to a full-blown symphony. But persevere he did, trying to pick the Zombie locks, coming close, but finding the general malaise working against his intent.
TONY THE TIGER – 5/10 – Everything felt more assured with Tony in position, even if it wasn’t. Bizarre. Then he got turned over and they won. Screw you, universe.
JAMESY – N/A – Did he get a touch? A measure of our ineffectiveness was this arch-skelper’s lack of involvement.
MR.KOBAYASHI – N/A – Brilliant. Bring him on – the one Hoop the Zombies haven’t had to face down the middle since he became a Talisman – and give him sod-all in service. Man…
RAQUEL – N/A – No matter how pretty you are, some games you just can’t improve..
ANITA DOBSON – 6/10 – Well, Ange, do something! We watched with him as Angeball got stuck in the sclaff and waited for him to make the big changes or apply the big whip. He hesitated as we took a tawdry lead, almost killed it, then had us sit back and let the monkeys pick off a couple of depressing dark moments.
It looked – to me, but I’m mad, remember – that he didn’t demand the same incessant vibe from the Hoops as we’re used to; Far too many absentees from the Angeball programme. Far too many grifting along, hoping for the collective method to eclipse individual contribution. What I’m saying is – don’t let the slackers slack, Ange; get them on-point for the big finish. Yesterday was a nadir in the ascending chart of the season’s bull run. Gather them, and go again.
🍀 @CelticFC manager Ange Postecoglou reflects on Scottish Cup semi-final disappointment for his side
🗣️ “Hugely disappointing for us.”#ThisMeansEverything pic.twitter.com/5g9zeAWCz4
— Premier Sports (@PremierSportsTV) April 17, 2022
MIBBERY – 6/10 – Ach, get lost, beardy Bobby; now trying for Guantanamo Bay immunity, throwing the yellows around, letting our ballers get kicked out the game. Creamed his shorts in extra-time as all his fantasies came true. Shame the final you’ll be awarded will be just a diddy consolation afternoon.
RANGERS ARE LEVEL! 🔵
A great finish from Scott Arfield and it’s all to play for at Hampden again 👀#ThisMeansEverything pic.twitter.com/rmtdsFgA8v
— Premier Sports (@PremierSportsTV) April 17, 2022
What A Momentpic.twitter.com/BEYvNRz2tu
— Rangers Football Club (@RangersFC) April 17, 2022
OVERALL – 4/10 – I’ll say what you’re thinking – phish, man. After all the thrilling volatility of the Angeball season this was a stagnant affair that bewildered logical perception; they’re so bad for ‘Euro semifinalist titans’ it disputed the accepted construct of reality.
The fact we could not get Angeball imposed upon them and make them suffer for their tragic hubris was just as mystifying. This was a RANK performance, dragged down to the Old Firm FC level of discord, stumbling through the day with all the fluency of a brain-damaged Orange Walk drummer attempting to thrash out a Keith Moon on acid rendition of My Generation knowing the generation in question are the phukwit wee-lassie-terrorising Onion Bears.
And yet…
Yet we had them, lumpen heids on the chopping block, retching hordes ready to tear wee Groinio limb from limb, and the Big Man skelped the bar instead of the Zombies… At 2-0 we were home and hosed, they were cannibalised and thrashing like Tom Waits’ ‘Renfield’ in the Seward Sanitarium asylum in Dracula; “Master. Maaaasterrr..”
And we messed it up… BUT, of all games – if any – to lose and choke and generally appear hapless – THIS was the one. It’s little comfort, I know, to find solace in a karmaic trade-off after witnessing such a lamentable surrender of advantage. But we really did take a pig’s ear of a game and turn it into a silk purse, then cast it back to the fermenting savages to glorify as some sort of iconic triumph…
When we know full well it was an abstraction of Celtic’s own making; a ridiculous folly of under-achievement, under-performance, and complacency. We never got going, never imposed or pressed, never found the defining class to lift us above and beyond.
Yet, we still nearly won; SHOULD have won. However, we did get what we deserved for a malfunction in the matrix; A timely reminder that it ain’t over ’til it’s over.
So get it back together, Celtic, and get after the BIG prize.
Go Away Now.
Sandman.
The second Scottish Cup Semi-Final of the weekend was a fiercely contested battle at Hampden Park 🔥
Here are your full highlights from Celtic v Rangers. #ScottishCup pic.twitter.com/ikmEtKtUdB
— Scottish Cup (@ScottishCup) April 17, 2022
Yer wrong with the ratings for CCV & JJ (whilst at RB, especially). Two of our best players along wi Calmac & Maeda (& oRiley when he came on for a terrible Rogic) The league is what matters & none of Their attempted illusionist type cup distractions will change that, no matter how hard They try.
We would ALL have taken to be even near this position last August, & that doesn’t change. A timely kick up the arse!