SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v OOMPA-LOOMPAS…
“Victory comes from finding opportunities in problems.” – Sun Tzu
“We arra pe…Bleeeeeearrgggghhh….MMMMMBllllllllee eeeaaaaargh…Heeeeeeeewwwweeeeeyyy…” – Bears everywhere.
ROXIE – 6/10 – Big Joe loves a challenge, and I expected to see him in United’s six-yard box challenging their charmed keeper. Instead, he stayed at sweeper, revelling in the drama and finally relieving stress by humping Abadass in the after-match celebrations.
OF JUSTICE – 5/10 – Appeared a bit indecisive and apprehensive with his passing until late in first period when he came onto a game. Didn’t work for him though, as he stayed inside with Jamesy to rate burds on the Flying Flasher’s Instagram timeline.
STAR LORD – 7/10 – “Wait for it…Wait…Waaaaaait…NOW! And…AGAIN!…” Snapped the psychotic varmint in his heid. And the timing was perfect as Star Lord announced his presence with two beautifully timed challenges around our box. Thereafter the surprises were in abundance as he put in a fine shift; no mental lapses, just Shelby grit and focus on driving the side forward.
GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Solidity isn’t just a computer coding language, it’s also his trademark. Up against Catalonian bogeyman, Tony Pardon, his physical prowess was put to a useful test before Dr.Moreau brings his circus to town on Wednesday. He came through, as did we all, with grim determination; ’cause he’s a big man, in good shape and it’s his full time job. And he behaved himself…
TONY THE TIGER – 5.5/10 – Tony likes it roughhouse and fits games like this when fiesty opposition will bite and snap their way to a result. We know what we get – 100% commitment from one of us, coupled with energy and determination; often driving our desperation as the win slipped beyond us. But Tony blew out early, scrappy
and out of sorts by his standards.
BLOCKCHAIN – 6.5/10 – It might go straight to video, ‘Captain Mossad 2 – Taking On The Arabs’, but he makes it a must-watch drama as he strives for a second crucial win leading the Rebels. Led like a big bad bearded boss again – stood growling in the middle of the park around the hour mark and I just had a feeling we weren’t
letting this one slip. But wouldn’t you know it, after Beaton takes a poke at the Jewish leader Wednesday, in steps a member of the Kreisau Circle to administer the solution and red the Celtic captain with a scandalous decision the likes of which deserves nothing more than a plane to Nuremberg and a gallows, built high just the way his kind like them… I bags the lever-pull.
HAKUNA HATATE – 5/10 – WTF? Who wasted money on this one? Maybe we’d have gotten another scintillating display if we’d actually shipped the ball to him but for some reason he remained on the fringes of play when we
should have been channelling as much through his gifted feet as possible. Indicative of our overall substandard performance.
THE BUILDER – 7.5/10 MOTM – Well, no fluke that debut – he’s got terrific positional sense and the Rogic passing gene. Unfortunately for our nerves, still to find a finish that doesn’t leave us squatting with heads in hands like Basil Fawlty in ‘The Psychiatrist’. For all his guile and awareness, the sitter he stroked past instead of in was the easiest moment of his afternoon. However, he looks a real find and was easily the most consistently useful Hoop on the park today.
JAMESY – 5.5/10 – Was a surprise not to see him re-appear after the break but that’s the price he paid for tripping over it just before half-time. Allegedly. Girls… But Jamesy did look lively through the first 45 so at the time of writing I’ve no idea if it was a tactical or enforced sub. Put it this way – regardless, he’ll be important midweek.
SON OF JACKIE – 5.5/10 – Jee-sus, big mhan. Difficult day, might have been at least a double scoring hero but denied by the sheer sorcery of their goalie and his magic paws, baws, and big toe. On his overall display – touch was way off regardless of the supernatural reasons for him not getting at least one.
ABADASS – 7/10 – I thought he looked more focussed midweek, and certainly first-half today he was combining his willing, fleet-footed endeavour with telling final balls – at last. Then, moved to the middle, thought he’d be eaten up by United’s strapping defenders. But hey, what about the presence and composure to knock in the glory
goal? A finish right out of the Larsson Cantos Of Heroic Magnificence.
SUBS:
WEE BOAK – 6.5/10 – Kicked out of his pram and thrown into a maelstrom wearing a romper suit shoplifted from the Superstore at half-time. Who the hell is this, roared the crowd? Well, from what I saw, his Dad’s The Flash – the
proper Flash, not the Jamesy flash… The kid’s got pace and enthusiasm to burn. Amid the storm that was today’s finish, let’s not forget a 16 year-old bhoy made his debut and played like a fine young man. And gave the Zombies.. Wait for it.. The boak. I thank you. I’m here all week.
JURAN JURAN – 6/10 – Good lively introduction. Injects some industry when he gets on the ball and not afraid to call some shots.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Kick him in the back, it’s fine – not a foul… Said the Bear with the red card tucked down his Ys. Kudos to Greggs for not just sinking the nut as Nir got dismissed. Kept his head and kept driving us down the left in search of retribution.
McCARTHYISM – N/A – Remember Wednesday? Yea, well do that. And he did.
NOTEBOOK – 7/10 – Benched with midweek in mind. Then fired in with glory in mind. He’s still tuning up after injury and today was not going to be the day to rely on his trickery. Or was it? Or WAS it…He’d tested them, tried them, but not punished them. Then he switched flanks and in the depths of our anguish, took the ball, looked up at a packed box and found the sweet-space with a deft clip that produced more orgasms than Jenna Jameson’s entire career. Disclaimer, kids: No idea who that is.
ANITA DOBSON – 7/10 – “WTH are you doing, Ange, ya eejit!?” shouted El Papa at the Vatican telly when big Son of Jackie was subbed for McCarthyism as we craved some salvation. “Abadass up front?” bemoaned the Pontiff, “Heaven’s sake, we need a miracle…” Big Ange cannot be accused of not switching it up. He played everyone but me and Andrew Ridgely in an attempt to shake something out of that distressing 90 minutes. And he got there. But it’s bare bones now – Nir wiped by the MIB – and the Anthill Mob are driving across the city for a showdown. What’s he got up his wizard’s sleeve? Go on, Ange – cancel it, lol…
MIBBERY – 8.5/10 – Ha-haha-ha-ha-ha-haaa. Goat-loving forelock-tugging scrumbag. May crestfallen mendacity haunt his Saturday evening. The sheer chicanery these bar stewards indulge in should not surprise us, but you have to wonder sometimes if they ever once – just once in their twisted wee lives – considered Scottish football should be a balanced, fair contest, officiated with even-handedness, and may the best team win. LOL, am I on flaming acid?
OVERALL – 6.5/10 – Horrible, horrible, horrible. But glorious. Of all the games to struggle in, another home tie with United when the Evil Empire were spewing all over Dingwall. No tempo, no rhythm, missing Calmac like never before. On top of that, some new security guard let The Snake back in – disguised as a shiny plastic gnome – and we didn’t get time to abuse him properly due to the late nature of the victory.
But what a win. And what a way to win. Today is how titles are won and lost. Pivots in time; last-minute anguish and ecstasy. Memorable, life-enhancing seconds after many minutes of dire acceptance bordering on frustrated despair.
But the Bhoys got there, down to ten and facing rueful scrutiny and accusations of bottling it; bang! Isn’t
the drama of football beautiful? What’s that, Zombies? Did yer fix fall apart? Oh, dear, karma’s a wonderful
thing. So on we go with just Ange, Gavin Strachan and his laptop, Wee Boak and Big Joe fit to take on the Grotesqueries on Wednesday. A triumph with half a team out would be something else. Who’s to say these keen bhoys won’t give us a night to remember against the odds?
Go Away Now
Sandman
