SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v PONTIUS PILATE’S XI…
“I only play Alfie ‘cos ‘e remoinds me of Michael Caine; That is, if Michael Caine also played the ManBearPig off
of Seaf Pawk an’ got into character by eatin’ nuffink but Sugar Puffs, two litres of Ben An’ Jerrys’ an’ bacon Frazzles fifteen toimes a fackin’ day…” – Moley Parkloife, Head Zombie.“He is not an elephant! He is not an animal! He is a human being! He is a man! Well, maybe… Then again…” – John Merrick on Alfie Morelos.
ROXIE – 6.5/10 – Show-stopping required from showgirl – no chance with the Tavpenis double, but well alert to keep out Fatboy at a vital moment. And his kicking was perfection, unlike many outfield…
GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – He’s solid steak all the way through; the prototype for his steak-bakes and we needed that presence amid the toil and tumble of a scrappy opening half hour. He’s always on plan and on-point and adds a little extra creativity when you least expect it – like his part in the opening goal. Yet another badge of honour in the games that
define the season.
STAR LORD – 6.5/10 – Ubiquitous Star-Lordery seemed to affect others in the team and he for once wasn’t the stand-out shakey across the backline. Racoon lost its voice early on today…That said, he appeared more mentally settled than recent times and I thought his focus was right when we went deep; still didn’t pick off as many loose balls or crosses into the box as usual, though.
GET CARTER – 6/10 – Surprisingly casual for one so normally tuned to the flow of the game. That was an early worrying sign. But he will get his teeth into them at some point and by the time we were 3-1 to the good, normal service appeared to have been resumed…Then it all got a bit sticky again and his command dropped off to let them in. Saw it out, however, albeit without his defining presence.
WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Slap-shot classic as he hurtled around the park smashing up any Zombie in the way. Survived an early sexual assault by ManBearPig to recover with panache and exemplify Angeball with his incessant movement, support play and willingness to take the ball and construct. Many people’s MOTM, but I’ll just say this – lost it completely when Tavpenis got that second header; AJ under it and unaware of him lurking – how could he not smell him anyway; the aroma of Miss Havisham’s mothballed wedding dress is surely unmissable? But… A triumph of a performance from the rocky mountain of a moose-man under tricky circumstances.
CALMAC – 7/10 – Let down by antipodean cohort, Calmac had a two-man job on to wrestle control of the middle. That he managed as much as he did without quite taking over was testament to his resilience and desire to win. Even had to contend with a ridiculous card for becoming entangled with the Zombies’ bizaree wee oddity hobbit-thing who attempted to steal Calmac’s shinpads.
THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – Now that was more like it from Matty bhoy. Crisp with his passing, alert and willing to make incisive runs; created the first beautifully. Then arsed it up by conceding the equalising free-kick. But thank Ghod for his return to form; and that mythical viking handsomeness augmenting his skill to sicken the Zombies grotesque midfield trio of hobbit, orc, and fairy princess.
MOOEY – 3/10 – What the actual hell happened here? Hey, Mooey, wake up! Can only assume the big man was on Oz time as he singularly failed to make any impression on the game or complete a pass; turned to Aussie Rules in desperation, to compound his duff outing with a yellow. Nightmare, mayte. THE major component (or lack of) in our faltering display as Angeball stuttered and stammered and gave Calmac a double-shift at the coalface instead of a cognac and conductor’s baton.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – Daizen terrorised without capitalising; energy to burn, but moments to ignite a big win passed up as he shot about the pitch like a firecracker in a shed, never finding the touch to make them pay.
DEADLY NIGHTSHADE – 8/10 – Zombies cannot see Kyogo with the naked eye – he appears to them as a diaphanous cloud of ethereal smoke, disarming their malice with duplicitous empathetic concern for their wellbeing, then drifts among them, a wisp on the breeze, before – BAM! – Casper the friendly ghost of their visions materialises as a poison thorn in the black heart of their defence and kills their twisted dreams of empire and
supremacy with clinical severity. That opener: delicious. Now venerated and honourable ハンスケルパー extraordinaire
NOTEBOOK – 8.5/10 MOTM – I’ve been speculating for months now, and boy did the bhoy deliver. Our one constant in a 90+ of inconsistency. He fizzed and rattled them with his fleet dancing feet, forcing the tangerine rapist into smart saves then gloriously embarrassing him with a turn of pace to latch onto Soapy Souttar’s dandy pack-pass (see what I did there, D.C Thomson?) and slay the beasts. That was what we paid about 7 million bucks for – skelping noisy Zombies when it counts most. No coincidence that our threat fell off when Ange hooked him (too early) and the developing hiding turned into a scramble for the points.
Beautifully serenaded pre-match and followed it up with a string of his own hits – 4 shots, 2 on target and a winning goal. Billboard Number One with a bullet.
SUBS –
HACKY SACK – N/A – Twisted, turned, fell over nicely, wound them up.
OH BHOY – N/A – Not enough time to join the skelping or rumble them properly.
TONIO IWATAO – 6/10 – His presence became a welcome relief – not long enough for any great impact but slotted in well given the nature of the game and brought some composure to our embattled midfield.
EDDIE TURNBULL – N/A – Nurse! Early afternoon stroll for the genial old bhoy and he was chuffed, if bemused, to see all those nice people clapping him back to the wheelchair at the end of it.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – N/A – HIT IT! HIIIT IT! No, he looked for an invisible Oh and blew the chance to rub their faces right in it and deprived us of the glorious sight of an entire Paradise giving it, ‘Ar-gen-tina! Ar-gen-tina!” ‘Sake wee mhan…
ANITA DOBSON – 7/10 – Ange gave us the team we expected, and the team didn’t give him the performance HE expected. Credit that he didn’t lose the rag and berate them – or maybe he did and we’re not privy to that – but the wayward passing and failing patterns of play must have driven him to distraction. So Angeball, faltering in the face of the enemy of enemies, requires a plan B, no?
As many have highlighted. But… Yes: No. In a way, Angeball Plan B is a reset to basics – workrate over extravagance. And that’s what got us through against a staunch Zombie side (see what I did there, DOB interlopers?). The Bhoys rolled up the sleeves and took up the tools and kicked a few tools around. And in the end they got there by adherence to the manager’s most fundamental requirement: graft
Well done, Ange, a dirty win against the dirty Zombies.
MIBBERY – 5/10 – An actual disallowed Zombie goal – that meant the next five minutes were a blur to most of us as we regained consciousness. Looked only a matter of time before we saw a red but the Bhoys held their discipline well enough to get over the line with a full compliment. Poor old Nancy Drew and SteVen on VAR – butthurt SMSM will build the gallows but aren’t they the same hacks who delighted in telling us earlier in the season that multiple injustices would ‘even themselves out’?
Hahahahahahaaa…Here comes kaaaaaarrrmmaaaa…
OVERALL – 7/10 – A million yellow cards, a disjointed Celtic display, but three goals, a win, and perma-ragin’ Zombie wound up to explodometer maximum. Another quiet derby. Thing is, we were on the whole, dismal in comparison the the sparkling season the Bhoys have produced. And they still couldn’t find a way to beat us, even though they dragged the game down to being decided by crucial moments of inspiration and mistakes.
Their ‘big’ danger players, Comical Alfie – and ‘big’ is Alfie, right enough – and goth Ryan Kent who’s running down his contract before signing up as a Victoria’s Secret runway model in the summer – cutting about with a black armband for Lilly Savage – just didn’t inflict the damage our star Hoops did. Only Tavpenis lived up to his billing and amazingly didn’t get a last gasp penalty for his hat-trick; no wonder the utter consternation of him and Moley after the game as the LSD in their half-time oranges (of course, not tangerines, and they hate the fact they get vitamin ‘C’ …) kicked in and they ranted cringingly about fantasy handballs by Jota’s baws.
An anatomy lesson might be the best way for their motivational speaker to introduce his next inspirational talk; that and the opening line, “Okay, well given that we now know you’re officially phish…”
So… The Bhoys all but sealed it. Not in the desired swashbuckling manner, yet in a way that may save the best until Hampden in the sun on the 30th. We almost got a crucifixion, almost a resurrection too – evil just couldn’t prevail in Holy Week – and what we have got is a week at least of popcorn-worthy seethe from a zombie horde of ragin’ Zombies.
12 points, 29 goals, 7 to play. Ooohhh, *Shhhiverrrr…*
CL here we come.
Magic days. LOL @ the Zombies. Enjoy the fallout.
Go Away Now
Sandman
This guys comments/ratings are a self indulgent
Piece of crap every week. Drop this it is shite.
Plenty of supporters enjoy Sandman’s unique take on matches, for those who don’t it’s easy to avoid and we have plenty of other content on a daily basis provided absolutely to the best of our collective abilities and free of charge to the Celtic support.
You Ok, hun?
‘Miss Haversham’s wedding dress’
Worth the admission money on its own !
Enter Sandman… stay for good.
Literally the best thing on the internet.