SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ROSS FROM FRIENDS…
“I don’t care what anyone says. To make the quarter finals of not-quite-the-big-cup is amazing and heroic and Hollywoody. We’re the Henman of European football.” – theRangers Midgeter, Groinio Transit Bungleheist.
Photo: The Celtic Star
ROXIE – 6.5/10 – Quiet? Had to be dragged out the Green Brigade and hastily put his tap back on as they ventured forward. Sneaked Pass Of The Day award for a 40-yarder on the 70th minute. Will demand new contract clause letting him choose outfield position after 30 minutes of games like these.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – Set our tempo early with a series of bursts and fine passes down the flank as we revved up after soaking in some sun for the opening ten minutes. He’s the ideal foil for SPL sluggers with his industry. And cakes.
STAR LORD – 7.5/10 – All peaceful down the Shelby manor today, allowing for some impromptu footwork to go with the speedy fists. As the stadium roof played sundeck to a basking racoon, this felt like a welcome time-out from anxiety for Star Lord as he looks forward to joining up with the Swedish Chicks’ Topless Volleyball squad. Wouldn’t we all?*
*Lady readers exempted. Or maybe not…
GET CARTER – 7/10 – No sweat, no trouble. The threat of Coonty’s rumbustious big forwards never materialised
and Carter cruised through. Alleviated boredom near the end by body-slamming an upstart hillbilly to the deck for comedy effect.
JURAN JURAN – 6/10 – That sprightly energy put paid to their wing threat after half an hour and he spent the rest
of his time supporting our seige. Graciously gave up his pen for Jackie’s Hat-trick.
CALMAC – 7.5/10 – Gyroscope, turning and turning the ball over down the middle, guiding the Celtic dynamo with
efficiency and precision. He’s the midfield hardware – our processor controlling the software, and he’s gradually
clocking up to optimal output right in time for the big finish.
ROGIC – N/A – One sumptuous outside-of-the-boot clipped pass, then crunched into submission by a snide and
dangerous ankle-snapper of a hit. But… If there’s any ‘good’ to come from that, it’s a withdrawal from the Aussie national trip and a fortnight to recover the knock before smothering the Zombies with footballing purity.
HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 – After sharpening up his studs on a Dundee United flounce bag, today the Japanese Lubo wanabee appeared overall sharper than his recent lull. Much more atuned to the rhythm and pace of play,
finding some cute passes and link-ups.
Maedas heat map the day ❤️🍀🇯🇵@CelticFC #CELvROS pic.twitter.com/PRYcld9Q6O
— William Dobbin (@wdobbin86) March 19, 2022
LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – Bang at it, that pace furious and unrelenting. Scored an under-rated goal, finding his strike partner’s knock-down and guiding it in like a proper poacher. May have had more, probably will, as he begins to read our patterns better all the time.
SON OF JACKIE – 9/10 MOTM – Back-to-back home league hat-tricks in the middle of a big title push is exactly the fantasy striker we’ve wished for since the Larsson/Sutton/Hartson glory days. His scoring record is beginning to rival his Dad’s impact, and same goes for on the pitch. Even planked in a penalty, and set up Daizen to round off his perfect centre-forward’s day.
It cannot be stressed enough how incredibly useful it is for us to have a goal-sniffer of robust application against stoic SPL low-block defences. It demoralises them to see a swashbuckling Celtic striker able to batter his way in if required; Nobody else in a long time, but Jackie, bangs in those first two headers.
NOTEBOOK – 8/10 – A well-rested pop superstar is the ideal returnee for a tight run-in. We saw a preview of his
new batch of hits coming up, and he’s back to the high-energy, up-tempo entertaining ladies’ favourite after a month or so of introspective shoe-gazing concept album ‘meh’. Lookout Bears, Young Gun’s out for some fun. (lyric © SandmanSingalongStudios)
SUBS:
THE BUILDER – 7/10 – Newly appointed Floki The Ship-Builder of the Viking national squad, our signing of the season (relatively speaking, outlay v potential return) displayed the right-footed-Rogic quality as he replaced his left-footed mentor. Has a viking armband tatoo now and will have raised roars of approval in the halls of Valhalla with a glorious array of passing techniques. What a find. And just a kid. P.S Bring back some bacon.
TONY THE TIGER – N/A – Thrown on to remind Ross County of the greatest moment ever seen at Mark Dingwall Stadium, ‘The DivineDome’.
BITTON – N/A – When the big latent assassin appears in situations like this, it’s the footballing equivalent of
climbing into a onesy to watch a box-set with a cup of cocoa.
ABADDASS – N/A – Who’d forgotten about him in all the Jamesy furore of Livi and Tannadice? Here he popped
on to remind us how strong a new squad the boss has been building this season.
EDDIE TURNBULL – N/A – It’s taken the auld fella three months to get over smashing his beloved Hibs in the Cup final. But now, with the help of Doctor Mengle and his nurse, he made a welcome return to the Celtic squad and looks another who may have an influence in the massive month to come.
ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – As comfortable as Ange has ever been on the sidelines. Saw his methods put paid to them after a half hour and got the chance to rotate all five subs. Still insists on wearing a jumper even though it
was Scottish heatwave weather (cue ‘Scotland Hotter Than Death Valley!’ rag headlines). But more results like this will see Ange take up my charity request that he sports tight khaki shorts, a stained vest and cork slouch hat for the final Glasgow Derby game, whilst supping from a can of Fosters and waggling a Crocodile Dundee Bowie knife at their dugout.
🗣 Celtic boss Ange Postecoglou asked whether he will be watching Dundee against Rangers tomorrow after moving six points clear:
“My Sunday’s are dictated by my wife and kids, mate.
“Depending if Sing 2 is on the TV or something I’ll probably have to fight for the remote”. pic.twitter.com/yTxfb8Xb9n
— Andrew Maclean (@AndrewMaclean_) March 19, 2022
MIBBERY – 3/10 – Well, Don tried the ‘no yellows or penalties until a Celt is maimed’ approach and had to give up both along with all hope as we outplayed his mendacity limitations.
OVERALL – 8/10 – Taps aff and title on! Would you have licked Ally McMoist for that result before kick-off? Yes, you probably would, you sicko…I wouldn’t, but I would have bought ‘Boydie’ a big bag of Monster Munch and a sachet of slimfast. Hosed down and into the winners circle like a Cheltenham thoroughbred before half-time, the only niggling concern was not doubling that score by full-time. However, the manner of victory was the main thing – a dynamic and dominating performance that had a previously troublesome opponent chasing shadows in the bright sunshine and praying to their dark Northern Old gods for it to end mercifully.
This was a title-race-run-in display of old, harking back to the no-nonsense 80s dispatching of lesser sides in pursuit of the prize. 4 going on 10, the ‘Belgrade Feelgood Factor’ punctured like an XXL Bear in a knitting-needle factory.
Six points and a million goals clear, five after ‘Fat, round, and worth a million pound’ Mark McGhee’s Dundee mount a last-gasp relegation fight and hold the fascists… Well…
We get a rest now, and cross everything for the safe return of the international Bhoys, and a timely lightning strike wherever Columbia’s squad will be training.
Se7en to go, and the Serial Killers trailing us with the financial reality of this crucial title for them about to dawn in flashbacks to the greatest Valentine’s Day ever seen since Henrik’s Dad turned up at his Ma’s door with a Bob Marley album, a bible and a VHS tape about Nostradamus’ prophecies.
These could be magic days, indeed.
Go Away Now
Sandman.
