SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v KILLING JOKE…
“Jeez, you’re a little irritable, Kyle. What’s the matter, you got some sand in your Shereen Nanjiani?” – Eric Cartman, South Park.
ROXIE – 8/10 – Phew. When you need him, the big guy’s right there. Sharp as a Peaky Blinder to pull of a tremendous early save on the slidey surface. Thereafter, two really good stops to blunt Killie hope. On occasions like these, you see whose got the balls; or who’s capable of stopping them. Splendid.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 6.5/10 – Targeted, exploited, nipped, tweaked and hustled. Yet the kid gives not one toss. He took it from the uglies and came back for more. He was done a couple of times by their main wing danger but shook it off and faced him up time again; always a sign of proper quality. Going forward, we get as good as Greggs – with added silk. He’s got a natural ability for finding dangerous attacking space and he’s going to be a big star for us. It rains across the Pampas, of course, but not horizontally and with baw-freezing add-ons. Welcome to Scotland, amigo. Vamos Argentina!
STAR LORD – 5.5/10 – Star Lord, man… Better than the Barras for selling the jerseys; given so much leeway among the support due to his commitment to the cause and particularly adept positional knack for making penalty-box interceptions. However, like I said last week – go check it, pedantic fact fans – I never like to see him on the ball too much because there’s always the random element to his game that involves the opposition and suicide…And there it was. And thankfully we survived. And there he was again, and again, in the opening period – the main man on the ball and bereft of ideas what to do with it.
He defends, does Carl, and he can do it well. There’s nothing wrong with a one-trick pony if you’re only asking for one trick; But we’ll get punished big time by better sides if he can’t dispell the notion that he’s anything other than that. I’ve been questioned for pointing this out more than once last season but I stand by those observations.
In English… Give.The.Flaming.Ball.To.Someone.Who.Can.Use It.Better.And.Do.It.Quickly.And.Precisely.
GET CARTER – 7.5/10 – 5 minutes in – watch the tackle that was a last-gasp all-or-nothing two-footed ‘gamble’. As in, he instantaneously weighed up a critical situation and made a stunning intervention, lunging with exquisite control and focus; miss it and Killie were right through on goal, two of them. That set the tone and he stormed his way through the storm, seeming to relish the down and dirty weather, smashing around like the Hulk in anger management.
JURAN JURAN – 7/10 – That’s more like the JJ we’re going to sell for at least 15 million. Peter… The money’s all in his electrifying pace, and we got it at plenty of the right times, bursts upfield to beat the rain, incisive forays down churned wings. He looked in the zone today and his selection paid off.
CALMAC – 8.5/10 JOINT MOTM – Marvellous #1 – Captain Marvellous. You wouldn’t go out your front door in that; He controlled a cup semi final against boisterous opponents in it. From beginning to end he set the tempo and pace. He dug and he surged; always like a boss. He was The Boss. Ridiculous consistency in atrocious circumstances.
MOOEY – 8.5/10 JOINT MOTM – Marvellous #2 – Superheroes come in pairs in The Hoops. Burnt out? Leggy? Not this Aussie on walkabout. Wetter than the Great Barrier Reef, he was able to bring a touch of class to the monsoon with guile and control and awareness that deserved the great goal he was denied by a fine save. And just when we thought he was done, back he comes for more in the final fifteen, hooking up with Calmac to run the show and see the win out. This quiet Bhoy’s a player, indeed.
HAKUNA HATATE – 7.5/10 – The trio completed. Dig and deft in equal measure; sparkling movement among their disciplined ranks and denied a goal by VAR’s ‘interpretation’ of the offside law… Yeah…Was a surprise to see him depart before the 90, but he’d been absolutely everywhere on that swamp and but for completion would have been another MOTM contender.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 8/10 – What’s Japanese for “Hit it aff me ya big lang streak o’ phish!” ? Because that’s all you heard picked up by the goalside mics as Mooey slung in the cross for the opener. In snapped Daizen and Karma slapped in beautifully poignant style. File with Jota at Motherwell for beautiful game desecrated as his second-half gilded finish was eradicated by yet more VAR ‘interpretation’ of the rules…Daizen continues his winning streak of form, re-living his World Cup antics game to game; tormenting opponents with his pace, frustrating us with his touch but winning hearts and minds with his overall scintillating contributions. Arigato, kyojin saikou!
KILLER MUSHROOM – 6.5/10 – Nightmare day for his attributes. Washed out among brutal hardcases who carried over their fondness for snuffing him from last week’s grind. Deprived of service by poor final balls, our crossing bereft of quality. Yet he maintains the presence of mind and cultured touch; exquisite ball flicked round the corner to set up Daizen’s wonder goal that wasn’t. Toughed it out until his number came up. Deserved more for his effort.
NOTEBOOK – 6.5/10 – Would he, wouldn’t he? Didn’t. But nearly did. Some admirable jinking and jiving that never came to fruition. Thought he would be the key to open the Killie portcullis, but not to be. Still ramping up towards better days and I imagine that will come with weather more suited to his skills. And dancing. Lose the John Homes ‘tache for starters.
SUBS –
SON OF JACKIE – 6.5/10 – Heaven’s sake Jackie, make your mind up. Sinister McInnesster’s new villain of the piece, as he easily bundled over a Killie giant made of granite supposedly going for a long shy that was roughly the same distance from them as the moon is from you reading this now. Yeah, even you in the space station…So, amazingly, no penalty given from the distracted officiating creatures still wiping the jizz off themselves from denying us two spanking goals. Then the big lunk goes up the park and seals the win with the classic striker’s dream of glory – a tap-in in front of the delirious hordes. So, it’s like this: unless you’ve got another goal-machine revving up in the wings, then pay the big guy what he deserves, Peter.. .
ABADASS – 5/10 – Not his weather, not his moment. Lively as ever, but the wee mhan missed a sitter to kill it off.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 6/10 – He shoots! He scores! No. No, he doesn’t. But in this period of rampant flu, a real good surprise to see the old boy (deceased) play a part in the win with the shot that set up Jackie.
JAMESY – 6/10 – Jamesy slides another one in! He’s a Hampden insatiable, is Jamesy – winning last season’s semi contest (oo-err, ladies…) and popping up (oo-yep…) here to lay… Eddie on a plate for the clincher. As Jamesy slurs to every glass collector in range – he’ll always rise to the occasion.
THE BUILDER – N/A – The job was done by the time he arrived; First fix reached. Just required to slap on some render and deliver the invoice, which he did with some quality footwork.
ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – Stood on the sidelines wrapped up tighter than Scott Of The Antarctic’s nuts, Big Ange growled his way through the storm and towards future glory. He knew the conditions were a hazard to his style, that Angeball was going to be subsumed by Rainball, but he picked the right team of Rainmen and asked them to get the equations right – that they believe in the principles of his methods to get them through
regardless.
That they did. Again. And yet more experience points get added to this Celtic incarnation. And yet more priceless belief suffuses Ange’s philosophy; this squad will believe they can defy the laws of physics if the boss tells them they can and that’s the intangible element that gels truly successful teams together at all levels.
MIBBERY – 7/10 – ‘Interpretation’ is today’s word on Sesame Cheat. Rule number one of ‘interpretation’: the ‘interpretation’ must be based on the principle of denying Celtic advantage. 4-0 it would have been. 3 up before they could’ve given Killie a soft pen to get their late jollies. But when that came about they’d edged so much that the act of awarding it in injury time would’ve meant an accompanying human sacrifice before the goat got it good, and none of them had the bottle. Nice try, no cigar.
OVERALL – 8/10 – A great win on a day only Greta Thunberg could get smug about. Climate change didn’t bring about the kind of change a boisterous Killie side desired but kudos to their ambitions – made a cup-tie
out of it and gave us a great test of resilience. No climate emergency early on as we rocked a bit, then cracked – in a rueful tide of glee as Kylie MinDoBB was made to wonder whether the universe really has cast him as the jester in the court of King Ange. There was toil and there was guile and a marvellously disciplined midfield trio saw us dominate then forge through to a mouthwatering final against the Sheep. Erm…Probably…
So, glamour to come and a fine job done. On we go towards Wednesday and serious business against the patterned Saints.
Go Away Now
Sandman
