SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE PORT…
“One mustn’t look at the abyss, because there is at the bottom an inexpressible charm which attracts us.” Gustave Flaubert
“Meet ‘The Vincibles’ this summer – a family of bigoted, wacky inbreds who can’t distinguish truth from reality or history from myth. In cinemas near you.” Disney Pixar trailer.
B.A.BARKAS – N/A –LOL, literally, NOTHING to do.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 5/10 – Admirable work-rate as ever – slaves like a baker – and took a couple of annoying last-game knocks like a champ. But there’s refinement missing; which, going forward, will be the defining element that separates him from any journeyman full-back. Celtic class not yet apparent.
JONJO O’NEILL – 4/10 – Rides off into the sunset. Well, I say rides, but he’ll more than likely fall off. Did produce one killer ball that deserved a goal but no more than that in another display defining the French moue, ‘meh’.
AJER – 6.5/10 MOTM- From beginning to end of this most dreadful season, this game epitomised his commitment. Cavalry charge to produce the match’s exhilarating moment, last-ditch lunge to prevent the final insult deep in injury time. He didn’t have to be here, he didn’t have to play, hedidn’t need the early season insult – but he again displayed the professionalism and desire required to play for Celtic.
RAQUEL – 5.5/10 – Her first experience of the ‘nothing card’ in this nothing game – the Gollum special booking reserved for young Celts. Aside, competence and solidity, and another notch on the bra strap.
BROON – 6/10 – Sigh. What a way to go. Ignomy for the skipper as he bows out confused and rueful of the imposters in Hoops surrounding him. He was again functioning as well as Broon ever did – covering, picking, prompting. But what do you do when you’re THE will to power in a collective of cowed simps? Thank you for the drive, the passion, the glory. Legend cemented. And one day cast in bronze.
CALMAC – 3/10 – Thrown in to grab the Celtic Star Player Of The Year Award by dint of more games = more points, but he’s NOT mine. Bafflingly…Those top 2 – over 40 games each, get the average points and and there’s yer man. As for Calmac now, oh dear; the fall of a great choreographer – more shadow dancer than troupe leader now as he ghosted around the game. Wherefore art thou, Calmac? Get the mojo back.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 5/10 – A nostalgic trip back to where it started/finished for him too. Although he’s a tad confused these days and hadto be pointed in the right direction at kick-off. “Yer no’ a Hibee any mair, auld yin!” was the regular instruction yelled from the Celtic bench. But it didn’t stop him falling into a stupor and producing a poor, ineffective display.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 4/10 – “Don’t play me, I’m in the Euros! Don’t play me, I’m in the Euros… Damn. . .Don’t kick me, I’m in the Euros! Don’t kick me, I’m in the Euros!” Didn’t kick the ball much either as he flattered to deceive, although nearly sparked a shot on target for the first time this season.
ELYANONYMOUSSI – 5/10 – Flushed out of hiding in Broon’s empty Lennoxtown locker. Showed enthusiasm first half with some flair but spurned chances. Then David Gray kicked him and it took 35 minutes of the second half to find and replace him.
FRENCH EDDY – 6/10 – It struck me; Will it be the last time I write the nickname I so inebriatedly cursed him with all those glory years ago? It used to be that playing up front for Celtic was an invite to rack up a formidable goals tally – He’s still managed that, which will be considered remarkable in hindsight – but now that honour just appears more about fruitless solo toil.
Amid the frustration and banality Eddy managed to show the class we’ll miss with breathtaking lay-offs to wasters. Whipped in a glorious free-kick in the game’s true moment of quality only to be denied by servile’un Gollum with another bewildering mind freak retake from their Playbook. Sums it up that his final act in a Celtic jersey was to try and retrieve a pass played carelessly behind him when his movement had opened up space to chase onto a through ball in on goal. Jee-sus wept.
SUBS:
JAMESY – N/A – Edinburgh’s often been a favourite hunting ground for Jamesy but those cardboard cut-outs for a crowd just don’t give him the reactions he requires for inspiration. Nor do they comment on his football.
GRIFF – N/A – Check out the pitch you’ll be running around on next season, Griff. Phished.
KARAOKE – N/A – Go out there and wow them, kid. For ten minutes…
FIELD MARSHALL – N/A ‘Rewarded’ for hanging around the training ground by being thrown into the last few minutes of this coruscating thriller.
JFK – 3/10 – Couldn’t even go 2 up front with half an hour left of a last, nothing game of a nothing season with nothing to win, lose or play for. Completed his make-it-look-like-Lennony-never-left challenge with such synonymy that chameleons everywhere were turning in their badges. What goes through big JFK’s mind as he stares out across the park in deep contemplation? Wondering if his tummy thinks all potatoes are mash?
OVERALL – 0-0/10 – Well, around about the 85th minute I thought it was beginning to feel like an end of season game… Thank Ghod. It’s over. Monkeys licenced by the Polis Scotia and the unmasked Scottish National & Unionist Party will now provide the evening’s entertainment by throwing their own waste at each other in George
Square as they celebrate their beaten unbeaten vincibles title.
Maybe we should have changed our name this season to Saint Celtic? Maybe we should have prayed to all the saints earlier? Maybe…Maybe…Maybe… This was all a bad dream.
Time to wake up, Celtic.
Go away Now.
Sandman
A lot of our players can look across the city today and see that shower celebrate in their own usual way and can think about how much their lack of effort and intrest contributed to their championship.