“If I’d known it would come to this; if I’d known this wittering Celtic would be the apex of our April Sunday of discontent some 3 centuries foretold, I’d never have invaded the rancid dump in the first place.”
King Billy (As told to Dr.Who).
“I love that candy-colored clown they call the Sandman. He brings a sprinkle of stardust to the place with his ratings…”
R.Orbison.
“I think he’s a f#####n’ bawbag.”
A.Halliday.
BOOMSHAKA! –
GORDON – 9/10
He’s pish. He’s the worst Celtic goalie I’ve seen in my time. He’s past it. He’s injury-prone.
Just some of the rip-roasting roaster rhetoric witnessed regards the miracle in nets. Finest shot-stopper I’ve seen in a Celtic jersey, more like. Defied the Ugliest Smurf in Smurfland wilth a world-class reaction/anticipation fingertip wonder-stop. Then brought Papa Smurf’s mutant experiment to tears by comedically saving the open goal whilst sat on his erse.
LUSTIG – 6/10
Mad Mick suffered an identical lapse of concentration to one that cost us a goal against Hearts as Celtic Park. Looked shaky but relied on his class to see him through the rest of the game. Took the piss royally by trying to score for them with a stunning sliced volley off the outside of his left foot which smashed off the bar. Still looks a bit off 100% fitness however. I reckon Brendan Rodgers is giving him game-time to prep for Russia.
BOYATA – 7/10
Big D had his ‘Boyata’ moment early, but recovered without calamity and was solid. Uncompromising, tuned-in properly, should have scored. Appears to frighten them up close.
AJER – 8/10
Another who recovered from an early slip which allowed Portuguese human/Hobbit hybrid Candleintheass to slip the leash. Getting better by the game, losing his cumbersome youthfulness in favour of accomplished experience. Big prospect.
KT – 9/10
Bhoy’s one of our own. Relentless enthusiasm for playing brilliantly in a Celtic shirt. Channelled Jinky to drop shoulder and bamboozle furball to help set up 2nd goal. Powered through the game. His seething-angst effect on the gurning hordes is fascinating. But not as charming as…
BROON – 9/10
Swaggering precision and control.
If KT channels Jinky, Broon channels Ash Williams, metaphorical chainsaw cutting swathes through the Armies of Darkness, dismembering their hopes and dreams with righteous fervour. Bona-fide Celtic legend now. The nightmare of Bear generations come to pass; a Celtic player/captain who defies their every sleekit attempt to undermine/inhibit/contain/dominate. The hoodoo to their voodoo.
NTCHAM 10/10
My MOTM. Again, the single midfielder tasked with building the bridges between mid-front, igniting the moment as we shuttled around their box. He took it in his stride looking every inch the £4 million prospect Zinedine Zidane so admires. Not a player out there could get near him never mind match his class. That bhoy will be worth more than Moussa in a season or two.
ROGIC – 9/10
Big, gangly, languid vein of Aussie gold. Beguiling with his footwork, glides in and out of the game but never out of the danger areas – pops up like a smiling assassin to deal a killer blow. They are terrified of him, but cannot nullify him. When we get him working with the team we look a decent European side. If he could deliver like today, every game, we could start to really dream.
McGREGOR – 9/10
Defy me, son! Keep defying me! All season, I’ve expressed surprise at his inclusion and been even more surprised at his level of performance. Instrumental in every big performance – Derby games, Zenit, Bayern, even – a Bhoy who truly deserves his place in the team; done it the hard way over a number of years; unfancied by complete idiots (like me); yet playing some beautiful football when he’s right on his game.
In a season when the bigger-name players have failed to catch fire, it’s Callum who’s carried the team many times, quietly but effectively filling the gaps the poor form of the glamour bhoys have left. Right behind Broon in second place for Player of the Year for me.
FORREST – 6.5/10
The Prestwick Flyer never got off the ground but his overall game is far more effective team-wise than ever before – workrate great, threat-level critical for them every time he got on the ball. Didn’t get enough service today; spent most of his time on the park as a water-carrier, but no complaints here.
MOUSSA – 9/10
Looks so damn happy to be playing football sometimes – got a great ‘wee boy in his element’ attitude. Right on it today – rag-dolling the scarecrows at the back, bullying them incessantly.
Strength and skill in abundance, greatest pisstake penalty in a Derby game I can remember. A dink with the ‘gaul’ (see what I did there Francophiles?) of Zidane’s in the 2006 World Cup final. Nice sickener for the French-loathing Brit berserkers at the other end.
SUBS:
PADDY – Nice keepy-uppy, twist and tricklster-ing and won a pen. Hope that cameo isn’t one of his last for us.
GRIFF – Ripping it out of them with the Heidy-uppies; big grins.
SINKY – Just not been his season. Hoping he’s not a Bobby Petta one-season-wonder and gets his act together next time. Class is there, nothing happening for him, though. Just imagine the scores we’d rack up if he was on fire…
BR – 9/10
Looked and sounded relieved to have gotten this one over with in his post-match interview. Didn’t rise to the bait, out-manoeuvred them in the middle by having a couple of players stay wider than normal; negated their centre-mid ‘box’ of 5, had them turning and bewildered, allowed us to pass briskly through the spaces.
BOBBY MADDEN – Jings, he can referee fairly; poor Bobby looked resigned today; that wonderful grim acceptance that there was nothing he could do to help his beloved. Almost matched for teeth-grinding angony by fourth official McLean. Two coupons like Voldemort’s plastic surgeon.
OVERALL: 9/10
Professional job done on an amateur outfit. Yappy mongrel mutants put back in their box. They got what they cheered for and the mockery will be epic. Every caveat of sport broken, every maxim ignored; do your talking on the park and be careful what you wish for.
Glorious four but I wanted 7. And I think we might have got that if we’d really, really gone for it. Such a joy to write that. Skelping is something I will never tire of.
The Double Rebel Treble.
So nearly there.
Sandman
