SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ RENNIE
“Rennie helps relieve tummy problems including heartburn, indigestion and trapped wind. But it doesn’t do hamstrings, ya greetin’ wee Ibrox Borstal poster-boy.”
Information on website, rennie.co.uk
“Aut Celt, aut nihil!”
Asterix and Obelix.
THE WALL – 7.5/10
What’s that?! A ball! On a rare occasion since he once again scented the spicy aroma of spit-roasted wannabe WAGs carried in the Glasgow air, someone from the opposition cracked a shot at him. First one, he dealt with admirably, guiding it out away from danger (Bain, take note). The second, penalty, nae chance.
After that, The Wall had to be The Wall. Solidity is his superpower. Successful with a new special move -performing a handstand after saving a dangerous free-kick to distract ref from awarding a corner. Psyche, big mhan!
JULLIEN CLARY – 8/10
No mincing about as the NBA guard takes to his new soccer task. Timing in the tackle was immense, like watching a mongoosse strike after careful consideration of the situation. Won every major arial challenge, handled – and manhandled – the Senegal War-Giant Niang very well combating his physical prowess; like two big mechas from the Pacific Rim movie clanking into each other.
FYI, THIS is what a 7 million quid footballer looks like, Ibrox interlopers.
AJER – 6.5/10
Ironside fails in battle! Not often that lament echoes round the halls of Valhalla but there’s consternation in Viking heaven tonight as the favoured son blew up like a flustered Saxon monk and holed the longship.
He cursed himself before the gods and the Allfather, and may have sacrificed Morgan Freeman Junior at half-time as we never saw him all night.
Second-half, descendant of Ragnar was back in the thick of it, making telling contributions with renewed composure. He’ll learn, etc, etc – yes of course he will. But frankly, Kris, don’t do something so stupid again, ye big fecking eejit.
BOLIWOOD – 6.5/10
Will he or won’t he? Aw f… or aw, nice? Well, Boliwood will give you his all, just sometimes getting ahead of himself. Great movement and engine, countering that with some hair-brained Wacky Races shenanigans The balance of positivity is STILL in his favour; he’s doing more right than wrong and doing it well.
Looks, though, like fate has dealt him a sore one, judging by the way he sat on the deck pointing at his baws . Groin strain, too much shagging, is the medical report you will read tomorrow. An HONEST one, unlike the Ryan Kent one they won’t release to the media.
HAT ATTACK – 7/10
Whilst Nir is back in Israel giving genetic material to the Mossad Multiplier Program, his clone is curing our Lustig maudlin by giving consistently laudable displays in the biggest of games. Another rumbustious shift saw them thwarted, plenty of forward expeditions to cause them problems and can throw a cross in. Star in the making.
BROON – 8.5/10
Brilliant example of brooding menace channelled into effective leadership. Early yellow card from eccentric ref when French girl collapsed at his feet (like a few ladies we know would, fnarr…) did not faze him. Broon led from the eye of the storm and remained placid yet murderous (a bewildering state many method actors should observe). Bossed the crucial combat zone.
CALMAC – 7/10
Almost made the difference. Terrific feet and passing as ever, but just was a little too caught up in the frantic midfield action to find the space from where he can kill a game. Spent the majority of his match battling, shifting it quick, covering.
No slight on him my aformentioned thoughts, probably a collective team thing that we didn’t quite make the required time for Calmac to pick the passes. Shame, as our movement ahead of him was excellent many a time.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 9/10 MOTM
What a tireless performance of selfless running, potent timing and link-up play. Yet started a little sloppy in the first ten. After he got in tune, Son Of Man had a noisy stadium as quiet as Lourdes when he was on the ball. Won a pen that never was with that top-quality extra burst of pace he possesses.
GOAL! Rennes 1-1 Celtic (Christie ‘59) pic.twitter.com/3FTpmrvCIl
— Celtic TV Goals (@CelticGoals67) September 19, 2019
Finally got to take one and stood up to the pressure magnificently before the crazy red wall of Rennes ultras.
He’s a relentless agitating force when in this form, an utter nightmare to shadow or control; such a player in your ranks can force opponents to focus more on counter than possession; can turn the tide of big matches as they realise they have to prioritise dealing with him to the detriment of their own plans; What he did tonight. Take a bow, kid.
FORREST – 7/10
On big euro nights we usually see Jamesy in flashes. No laughing at the back. It’s in those flashes that he’ll do something to thrill or delight that will be a game-changer. Alright, the sniggering needs to stop.
This evening he was again in, then out. Okay, enough – it’s like the ‘describe the penis’ scene in Porky’s right now; Incidentally, that’s exactly how the glass-collector’s polis interview transcript reads…
Anyway, the superstar flasher had everything but a finish… Oh, for feck’s sake… Was dynamic and troublesome – so close to the heroic moment with a run and shot that somehow slide-ruled just over. On another day it’s bursting the top corner and we win. It would have been a stunner, or a stauner, seeing as it’s Jamesy…
ELBANGYONHUSSY – 6/10
Not match-sharp enough. Yet. Buuuut…As the game went on, that first -half we saw that he’s got a nice bit of ability just needing tuned-up. Was most impressed with his movement – showing his intrinsic quality as we watched him synchronise with our attack; looked good when gliding around with Eddy and Corpus; Rennes struggled to keep tabs. Think this bhoy will be a match-winner with some games behind him.
FRENCH EDDY – 6/10
C’est la vie- talk of Francia last week, eyes on him and he fails to deliver. Worked the line well, harangued by a monster at centre-back, floated around beautifully in the first period, made a great run that ended in a booking for a pish dive – got to work on that diving, Eddy; ask Griff for tips but on no account prefix with ‘muff’…
Second-half he surprised me by fading when I imagined he’d be finding space against tired Rennes legs. But unusually his impact became negligible. Obviously me betting on him to score cursed him… Je suis désolé, Eddy.
SUBS: –
SAM JACKSON – 6/10
Muthuf***a comes on an’ all muthuf***in’ hell breaks loose. The very presence of this Muthuf***a in the land of Chicken Royale with mayo – HIS Chicken Royale with mayo land! – and all around the park everyone’s gettin’ their muthuf***a on, and muthuf***in each other up.
In the middle of it, this Muthuf***a kept it righteous, tellin’ people to be muthuf***in cool as Fonzi, but muthuf****s ain’t listenin’, runnin’ around actin’ out Eizekiel 25:17. Thankfully, Muthuf***a added some composure to our embattled midfield.
SON OF A GUN – N/A
‘Go on and rustle them up a bit, son’ said Lenny in the 82nd minute. He didn’t mean execute their skipper. That said, 50-50, tough break. But the keeper’s facepalm moment was ludicrous, and that second yellow should be overturned. Fair play? Fair gay, more like!
This is ridiculous. Doesn’t touch him at all. Never a red card, never even a yellow. pic.twitter.com/DDSjxNwdOD
— CelticLisbolingoli (@CelticLisboaa) September 19, 2019
HAYES – 7/10
We played with ten while we awaited Jonny time-hopping from a few miles away, yet 100-plus years ago – let THAT thought feck you up! – as he abandoned the Green Fields of France to come to the Hoops aid.
However the quantum-leaping assassin left neither battlefield empty of bodies as he gave us the TACKLE OF THE SEASON on their Olympic sprinter turned right-back.
And how the sensitive Brittany crowd were appalled! Kerchiefs were fluttered to noses and half the main stand were treated for giddiness. Their players were administered snuff and Jonny got reported to Interpol. It was magnificent. As they say in France, “ce fut un excellent tacle vous des flocons de neige putain!”
LENNONY – 8.5/10
His best European set-up to date, since Barca 2012. Rennes are no mugs – ask PSG or the shitey wee London posey team KT joined – and I would have hired my wife to you for a draw before kick-off. And she’s hot…Ssh… And good at dishes…
Anyway, Lennony took a look at them and we went with attacking intent. Surprised me, probably Rennes too as our players actively went in search of control rather than sit-in. At times our formation resembled 4-3-3 with El moving in a Holy triad strike formation with Corpus and Eddy, Jamesy dropping in besdie Broon and Calmac. But for final balls, a little bad luck, we might have won it.
No complaints about Lennony’s game-management will be tolerated tonight – losing Boli, throwing on the Muthuf***a, having Bayo unjustly red-carded, seeing his plan initially work then be undermined by a daft penalty gift; he kept composed and made the right calls.
OVERALL – 8.5/10
Up there with our best away efforts in Europe. Sadly no victory but we’ve seen these games smash us in the face with a baguette in previous times. Tonight the onion bag (see what I’m doing here, Francophiles?) was lucky we didn’t burst it with more than one.
Denied an utter stonewaller by bit-mad-mental ref and university freshman linesman/person/thingy/idiot and of course UEFA’s arse-end-from-elbow decision not to implement VAR but rely on witchcraft or something.
Nearly took the lead but for Elshagyonlassie’s toenails not being long enough, had to fight back from a situation that’s seen us collapse many a time, and again impose ourselves on a match we might have sneaked.
???????? Le but de @BillelOmrani pour offrir les 3 points à Cluj contre la Lazio. C’est la dixième réalisation de la saison pour Omrani! #EuropaLeague pic.twitter.com/9CKS1HhD5K
— Le Fennec (@LeFennec_DZ) September 19, 2019
After hearing the Vampires pumped the Mussolinis, this group is anyone’s and if we replicate this display, it WILL be ours. A great night for the Hoops in Brittany, Gaul-ing for Asterix, though… Boom-BOOM!
Go Away Now
Sandman Out.
Watch the referee here. Not once, not twice, nor thrice but FOUR times the referees waves away complaints from Rennes player.
He then runs 30 yards to tell the goalie to get up.
THEN HE CHANGES HIS MIND?
Absolutely ludicrous.#celtic #RENCEL #UEL #bayo pic.twitter.com/hVnIlOMCwU
— Paul B ???? (@p_bov1) September 19, 2019
ALSO ON THE CELTIC STAR…
‘Celtic are deserving of a great deal of praise for last night’s performance,’ David Potter…see HERE.
‘I thought it was a stonewaller so there’s a sense of frustration,’ Ryan Christie…see HERE.
Lenny wants VAR in Europa League after Spanish referee makes wrong calls…see HERE.
Honours Even – Celtic Frustrated By Spanish Referee under Rennes’ Blood Red Sky…see HERE.
