Sandman’s Definitive Rating – Celtic v That Other Mob

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS – CELTIC v THAT OTHER MOB

“Yeah, raand eah the Beales is well known – Pete wiv the stall, Ian wiv the caff, an’ weird little Michael; Bit ov the Dahmers abaat that ‘un. Used to tear araand eah as a nipper wiv a scalpel, he did – ‘ad a fing for cuttin’ off cats balls an’ wearin’ ’em like a necklace. Propa young Colonel Kurtz there…

Anyways, legend ‘as it one ov ’em cats was a familiar of the old Cockerney Witch who lived daahn Worm’s End, an’ she only gawn an’ cursed little Mickey wiv a terrible growth on ‘is face to remoind ‘im of the error of ‘is ways foreva…

Ain’t seen ‘im for years but they say he travels the world now, seeking a plastic surgeon skilled enuff to take a cat’s nad off of ‘is cheek…”

– excerpt from ‘Legends of The Old East End, Innit” podcast with Danny Dyer.

“Lip up fatty, ah lip up fatty, for the Alfie
(Don’t call me fat man)
Lip up fatty, ah lip up fatty, for the Alfie
(Fat man don’t like you)”

Lip Up Fatty – Bad Manners

“Well he’s not the world’s most physical guy
But he hates the Zombies like you and I
That’s Kyogo
K-y-o-g-ogo,

La-la la-la Kyogo”

– The Kinks, ‘Kyogo

ROXIE – 7/10 – Big Joe’s in dreamland. An adventure to the far North for England’s former righteous No.1 has turned out like all his Narnia fantasies come true. Today, hardly a real save to make, punching was the preferred option given the lack of protection he would receive from the MIB; perfectly exemplified when he knocked a deflected free-kick wide for a corner as it dropped from a great height and Celts screamed ‘Catch it!’. Nope – The professional default was safety first; you think the Man-Bear-Pig wouldn’t have tried to crash him into the net and sleekit Little Nicky allowed it? Experienced Joe knows best.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 7.5/10 – Unable to invert as much as he would have liked, his task was to stick to the talkative Unfashionable Sclaffer on their right flank and try to combat his only attribute – pace. But bakers are used to tough shifts, and you’ll get one from Greggs; still found the energy to power around and set up the
opener with the best ball of the first half.

STAR LORD – 6.5/10 – Jesus wept. Excellent to eccentric in the swipe of a madman’s boot. Wild-eyed racoon seen tumbling down the terrace steps in the Celtic end as Star Lord went from Cruyff-turn to Happy Gilmour
and our hearts stuck in throats as we awaited the next manifestation of improvised insanity. Overall, just another afternoon in Star Lord land…

GET CARTER – 7.5/10 – The ghost of Boris Karloff is raging that he never got to play the role of the globullar Man-Bear-Pig thing CCV had to face for an hour before it grumbled off and assaulted a stray bottle of ginger. CCV took a dunking from it early on then got his class act together and was solid as a… Jamesy in a female sauna… Threw in a magnificent sliding interception at 0-0 and by the time we were holding on to the lead he was bossing the central defence like a Camorra enforcer.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7.5/10 – Do lumberjack shirts have big pockets? Asking for a friend who spent the afternoon with a transsexual goth tucked in his. Of course, Marylin Manson’s pet ferret did slip Wayne once and slapped the post, but mostly the robust yet humble kid we got from The Mighty Ducks was terrific in all aspects of his game.

CALMAC – 8.5/10 MOTM – Captain, our captain. Fell off the pub table saluting the burgeoning skipper-legend of Callum McGregor. Whilst others toiled and faded in and out, the gyro at the heart of Angeball recovered from one single flaff to remain the constant in the midfield variables. Simply (the) besting the Zombies (See what I did there, wig-wearing OO cross-dressers with fake tan?), Calmac was incessantly good – witness the icing on the cake as he choose NOT to play safe backwards but bursts through an ugly knot of slaver-empire blue to feed Mooey and ultimately engineer the winner. If anything gets you through a towsy cup final against an unsightly band of Walking Dead extras its the presence and persistence of a quality footballer dictating the Celtic regime.

 

HAKUNA HATATE – 8/10 – The busiest of Bhoys and an utter torment to the Zombies. The more he settles and believes in his ability, the more we benefit and marvel at those footballing feet. With his industry, guile, and lethal bursts forward (setting up Kyogo’s winner) we’ve unearthed a kitsune.

MOOEY – 7.5/10 – ‘Mate, it’s Sunday afternoon, I had a late one, its chilly and I’m surrounded by uglies’. Thus, Mooey took his time to warm up and get into the game. I reckoned we were only requiring his input to kick it all off and duly he obliged by stepping into a pivotal midfield role and cutting them open with two sweet and precise through balls for both goals. Only major copybook blot – that’s ‘typo’ for web kids – was his utter
s-baggery for Man-Bear-Pig’s goal; a simple header away as the ball came across but he bottled it and pulled out when it was his 100%. Costly moment of momentum swing that he’ll hopefully never repeat.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – The engine of a Kawasaki Versys, the commitment of a Kamikaze to
the cause, and the deft touch of Godzilla…Daizen caused much consternation in theRangers end first half as he tried repeatedly to run into it with the ball; every time he sped past Tavpen the Onion Bears were crying out for their jackal mamas and diving for cover. Yet with the inexplicable gauchery comes scintillating expectation. He’s a conundrum beyond the smartest Countdown contestant but he’s ours and long may he continue to perplex.

DEADLY NIGHTSHADE – 8/10 – BANG! There’s yer late lunch, Zombies. BANG! There’s yer dinner too! Kyogo – who only scores against diddies… – proved them exactly right by killing another diddy team with Mission Impossible level movement and finishing to make Johnny Sins applaud (ask yer missus…). Teregram arrive from great Japanese Emperor immediately after final whistle – Honourable Skelper Status Achieved; Arigato, Kyogo San.

NOTEBOOK – 6.5/10 – Damn, he was almost alight yet again. Soon as he nutmegged Junkie Brandon
Lee the opening bars of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go filled the air. Denied an opener by the Tangerine Rapper, it was surely only a matter of time before he tore them a new one. But no, an unexpected second-half fade stopped any comeback hit from materialising.

SUBS –

THE BUILDER – 6/10 – Aw, his big chance and he slapped it instead of skelping it, and thus
learned the lesson of what to do with the Zombies.

OH BHOY – 10/10 – Came on, crashed a Zombie into smithereens, taking a yellow before a
touch of the ball. Zombie Cup finals; The Oh Bhoy gets it.

ABADASS – 6/10 – Has there been a more unsightly dive since Jack Ryan went down on
Assfield? (Thats what I heard, by the way, on the interweb, allegedly.) But the Desert Spider kept on keeping on, fancying his chances against the weeping Barisic and caused just enough chaos to justify his time on
the pitch.

TONIO IWATAO – 6/10 – Nervy first ball from grifting Tony, then a comforting moment as he played
out calmly from a squeeze deep in our half and I knew we were in secure hands to see it out.

HACKY SACK – 6.5/10 – He twists and turns and… He’s denied by the frothing deviant in nets and
then he goes again and again and… Well, I’ve said I’ve high hopes for a fit Hacky Sack and maybe he’ll be an end-of-season supernova just when we need fresh vital input to take the prizes.

ANITA DOBSON – 8.5/10 – Like suits, Zombies? Suits you… The Big Mhan tricked out like a Mafia Don
owned the barrow-boy out on a jolly. The Zombie tour bus positively blew up as the outing descended into remorse and spitting rage from their miscreant hordes. Only Fools And Horses work and toiling Triggers Broom Fc got put in their place by the enigmatic Aussie-Greco wizard with the plan and the balls to implement it to the max – no fear in subbing off five match-winners even with extra-time a possibility. “Look how my bhoys massacred them…” he could be heard paraphrasing on the bus as his second case of Castlemaine XXXX got broken open.

MIBBERY – 4/10 – Little Nicky rewrites the rules – we get punished for an offside seemingly TEN YARDS inside our own half going by where he let them take the kick from. Then he manages to recover some masonic dignity by booking Abadass for collapsing like a clothes horse trying to hold Alfies pants, and Wayne Gretzky for… Scaring a Zombie? Who knows. The only other overlooked sweet joy of the day was the abandoned, snivelling
Johhnny Beaton, all alone with his sweaty finger poised above the VAR button and not a moment of MIBbery to savour. Oh dear, scrub that tab in the Bellshill Bears Tavern tonight, fellas…

OVERALL – 8.5/10 – Schadenfreude Sundays make a return in shiny siilverware special when a threatened proper Skelping turns into a steady victory as we get bored and shoot ourselves in the foot to liven up the closing half hour. At 2-0 we’re looking at five then our sporadic trait of lapsing plays up and dark hearts beat faster in the hope of an inglorious comeback by those inglorious bar stewards.

But the Bhoys rallied, saw it out, should have given us more daylight in which to revel but a win in games like these is most definitely A WIN. Karma strikes on Mr.Mole and Tetris Teeth as the Bhoys do their talking
on the choppy park and leave the unhealthily excited SMSM seething into their brown brogue bovrils.

Such a Beautiful Sunday and glorious moment number one of 2023 as the league grind series diverts into one-off action-flick excitement for a fiesty day at the old dump. Now we drink in the jhoy and celebrate the skleping for a few days until these Bhoys focus on the crowning glory to crush the forces of darkness – becoming champions.

Until then, Slainte!

Go Away Now

Sandman

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email editor@thecelticstar.co.uk

1 Comment

  1. Patrick Cullen on

    CELTIC showed respect and humility, great Manager, TEAM AND FANS, THE OTHER MOB,NOTHING SAME OLD SEVCO ,HAIL HAIL