Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Clarkson’s Farm

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ CLARKSON’S FARM…

“Hahahaaaa! Get it right up ye, ya duurtipheeenia….Bllleeeeeaaaaarggghhhh! Blu-uu–uuuh-rrrrggggg!” Zombies everywhere, 2.22pm

ROXIE – 7.5/10 – The Hand of Ghod. Redundant until asked to save the jerseys as a 70s Led Zepplin roadie somehow found space and time to guide an equaliser in. But No! Big Joe! Quite marvellous flick of the hand on the dive to deflect the shot onto the post. Then pulled off another stop before the sieve decided enough was enough and sold him down the Tay.

DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 8.5/10 MOTM – Almost by default, our star man, as the other major contenders had been hooked. But the bhoy from Buenos Aires (or maybe not, but it’s the only place in Argentina I know, so roll with it…) gets my vote for finding the will, the legs, and the beautiful whipped cross to set up the winner. Before that, he’d delivered a terrific first 45, linking, surging, then faded second half and looked like he was a busted flush. But, hey, that’s why he’s here – quality and nous and a grandstand finish. Played, kid.

GET CARTER – 7.5/10 – On it, uncompromising, and at them and solid as a… Well, granite monolith. Nobody was safe today as he took a yellow for ragdolling a farmhand them attacked the away support in celebration of the winner. Fair play to the fans – nobody ran in terror as CCV bounced into the frenzy.

RAQUEL – 6/10 – Marvellous in Leipzig, held his own today until his weakness was cruelly exposed, almost at a devastating cost – lack of height and aggression at certain times meant he was caught under the high ball into our box which resulted in their gut-punch. No excuses, really – he had time to set up for the well-telegraphed launch and should have been primarily focussed on getting his physical domination in, man-to-man, winning that ball at all costs. But got hustled out of it. Dae yer job, baby.

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – No nonsense from the returning apex predator. Played it safer than usual – probably finding his feet after absence – then gave us some of the real Tony as he put in the runs and the crosses.

THE BUILDER – 7.5/10 – Young bacon purveyor took responsibility on his languid, rolling shoulders and inhabited the Calmac Zone for his time on the park. And he did a fine job – maybe unable to provide the skipper’s zip, but his awareness and passing range was a joy; gritted teeth as he was withdrawn too early. To my dismay #1…

HAKUNA HATATE – 7.5/10 – As I commented on Wednesday, Reo’s got fitter and got dig. Terrific intensity today, crisp passing but more impressive in his spadework. Between him and Matty, we had control of the middle with only that dynamic duo. But then up came his number as well… To my dismay #2.

HACKY SACK – 8/10 – Always thought he looked lively with the right mindset, even when sniping at officials and opponents during rough times. Today he embellished his promise with genuine ability and a winning focus that drove us on second-half and deserved to be the defining force in a solid victory. However, as he was shaping up to be the matchwinner/killer, off he jolly well flocked… To my dismay #3

NOTEBOOK – 4/10 – Half-time was home time. Quietly effective but perhaps fatigued and lacking the usual flourish during the first period. Fingers crossed he’s just being rested.

ABADASS – 5/10 – Ate too many kippers last week, evidently. Religious festivities took their toll and the fleeting wonderkid could – and should – have had a hat-trick and we wouldn’t need pacemakers fitted/serviced.

SON OF JACKIE – 7/10 Big mad bar steward. Big mad glorious bar steward. Frustrated – and frustrating – all game as he clattered and battered his way around their stoic defensive gorgons. Lauded by all Russian Motherland as he poleaxed a young Ukranian nuisance and gave it the Ivan Drago disdainful ‘If he dies, he dies’. Looked like that was to be his match highlight after a series of poor choices and duff final balls of someone trying too hard; then… instinct! Snapped onto the terrific Maradona cross and guided it in with all the finesse he’d been missing the previous 94 minutes and 40 seconds. Celebrated by ripping his tap aff like a Pollok burd on a Greek beach and giving the entire front row a feel of his magnificent pecs; Wimmin’ fainted and local cops
turned in their badges.

SUBS –

MOOEY – 6/10 – Competent and mildly effective turnout – passed well and never looked fazed. However, might have sealed the win but shied off taking a strike when put through. Go on, Mooey – hit it!

JAMESY – 6/10 – Sun’s out and Jamesy’s out. Costly, though, as he forgot to tuck it properly and it played him offside when he was all but clean through. But Jamesy was sprightly as ever against the cabbage-pluckin’ Saints for his time on the park.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 3/10 – Daizen, just…wtf? x6. One of those games. Like he’d won a raffle for 45 minutes in the Hoops. And thought it was a basketball prize.

TWIST – 6.5/10 – Must say, the big mhan went at it with the urgency when he appeared. Obviously looking to keep the passing tempo up as he shuttled balls back and forth and made himself known and available. Impressive cameo.

MCCARTHYISM – 6/10 – Said it was good to see James get gametime Wednesday; today he went a step further and made a crucial impact – credit his deft feet to slip in Maradona for the winning cross as he went down for a nap. There’s life in the old dug.

ANITA DOBSON – 6.5/10 – What would Ange do about the Calmac disaster? Who could fill his boots in the middle? Answer in Australian whilst cracking open a Castlemaine XXXX – “XXXX’ nobody, mayte, I’m goin’ full Mowbray with this one…” So we essentially started 4-2-4 and hoped for Angeball+ to take effect. All seemed pretty okay, considering the quantity of changes, until Ange upped the stakes like he was sitting on a Blackjack 4-card 20 and tapped to twist. Off went three of our best performers and back came the locals, relieved at the drop in quality pressure, pitchforks at the ready. And they all but burst the Celtic gilded balloon… ‘All but’… Because Ange’s mantra yet again won the day. So your reservations get shelved. Because… We don’t stop. And we didn’t.

MIBBERY – 6.5/10 – Oohh, so close. Matt Lucas raised his Little Britain flag on the far side so often he won the flecking Perth Navy semaphore contest; The Perth navy being an old fella called Roary who poles a raft up and down the Tay looking for dead bodies… Big Jackie diving header = GOAL. Never offside. You’re a lady, indeed; a lady’s front bottom. Hilariously, Euan in the middle was so busy cleaning up the front of his shorts after booking both Celtic centre backs and seeing them concede a late equaliser, that he was unable to conjure a diabolical spell to prevent the winner; Settling in his stunned, emotional state for booking Jackie as his tears finished off the shorts rinsing.

OVERALL – 7/10 – David Potter of The Celtic Star was flecking raging after Leipzig. And his butler will confirm that… So today, dare the Hoops face his wrath once more? In a way we almost did. That was definitely a game that could have been tied up earlier than it was, lol…But the struggles to score a decent percentage of chances continue, offering traumantic opposition ripostes. Yet in a blink of a disbelieving Zombie’s eye, also delivering one of those beatific, golden Celtic moments.

Was that climatic second worth the previous minute’s despair? Course it was. In the midst of CL carnage, any win will do on a Saturday lunchtime at determined domestic opponents. That it came in such a manner is but a by-product of Celtic’s endeavour – even when we concede at the death, there’s always the possibility of a Lazarus event because of how we play.

So revel in it, enjoy it; find that blissful schadenfreude when you know the Zombie nation was spewing through their nostrils for a good ten minutes after Big Jackie casually gave them a nut-tap. ‘Top of the league’, and all that…

Go Away Now

Sandman