SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ IKEA HQ
“Meatballs. Meatballs fur brekkie, fur lunch, meatballs fur dinner… Big Kris says, check ’em oot Griff, they’re right tasty, but nae way am Ah eatin some poor geezers’testicles”.
Leigh Griffiths, interview in Stockhom MacDonalds.
“Welcome, Celtic supporters, to home of AIK Stockholm, the Friends Arena – named after our favourite 90s TV Show. Oh how we laughed at those quirky New York flatmates’ zany antics. And as we are Swedish and liberal and also comical oversexed stereotypes we also named ends of the ground after Monica and Rachael – because they had the best racks…”
IKEA fc Stadium Tour guide.
Over THREE pages, click on the button at top to continue to next page…
THE CAT – 7/10
Despite making way for the prodigal giant at the weekend, his safe hands were match-sharp. Under pressure, didn’t drop a thing as they rained in crosses all first-half.
Combined brilliance with Bitton to thwart a certainty early second-half with striker bearing down on him after Ralston had passed-out at a shy and big JC been passed-by like a ranting jakey at a bus-stop.
JULLIEN CLARY – 6.5/10
With wee dug Fanny tucked in his travel bag, he rode his motorbike and sidecar all the way up the fjords (oo-er). So casual he reminds me of a particularly slack ex-girlfriend, though at least she’d need a vodka and coke before she gave it away easy.
Big Julien is either so metaphysically alert his conscious self cannot keep up, or he genuinely is a big lackadasical chancer who’s an accident waiting to happen.
Did win the vast majority of his ariel duels, yet is suspect when players run at him or track away behind him. And then he turns late goalscorer, launching in an exocet from 6 inches…It may take many games to get used to his Van Dijk-on-mogadon approach, to this new-found sense of secure insecurity. Hopefully before my teeth grind to stumps.
BITTON – 6.5/10
Ah, big Nir. you may think Jullien does wandering-casual but the lanky Israelite does not-one-feck-given casual beautifully. After taking a legendary booking for time-wasting on the half hour mark, like a stoner clock-watching at group therapy, he refused to let AIK spoil his Swedish trip and threw in a couple of oh-feck-it-I-may-as-well superb last-ditch challenges to deny them.
Team affliction of sloppy passing tweaked him occasionally but another creditable performance playing out of position versus handy opposition.
AJER – N/A
Hobbled off on 13th minute in protest at the Swedes ransacking his ancestors’ settlements in the 13th Century. Could be heard hollering about God of mischief Loki taking their mothers ‘up the Asgard’ or something as he went down the tunnel.
BOLIWOOD – 6.5/10
Penalty? Off you jolly well feck. Ridiculous. Cheat invokes a tangle and the antsy twerp of a ref points at the spot, prompting hair-trigger confused Bhoys to go on anti-Boli rants.
A solid performer despite being exposed to double-teaming down that flank. Rarely did they get in behind him, choosing instead in their frustration to switch it.
The Manga hair may well become the permanent signature of Boli and not the absent 30k+ a week star who can’t even make the bench.
