SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v DOWADIDDYDIDDYDUMDIDDYDUNDEE…

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The Jota : [in the interrogation room]I want…my phone call. I want it. I want it! I want my phone
call!

Detective Mason Boyne : That’s nice.

The Jota : How many goals did we score?

Detective Mason Boyne : I’m a twenty-year man. I can tell the difference between punks who need a little lesson in manners, and returning ians like you who just enjoy it. [pause]
Detective Mason Boyne [through gritted teeth]:
And you scored six goals.

The Jota : [smiling, mouths…] “Six?”

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– Excerpt from ‘The Dark Knight’ script.

🔥 Maeda's lob, Engels' strike & Kuhn's finish

Celtic extend their lead at the top of the table to 13 points after a 6-0 win over Dundee ⤵️ pic.twitter.com/Kr7pxwXoL3

— Sky Sports Scotland (@ScotlandSky) February 5, 2025

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – “Gimme a touch, gimme a touch!” Like Jamesy in a synchronised swimmers’ changing room, Kasper just wanted attention. And when he eventually got one, it was comical hyperactive kid distribution – firing off half-volleys, zippy throws; alarming outfielders into action like a big canary-yellow Danish enema. Spent the second 45 playing charades with the North Curve. Expect he might be busier next midweek.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – Some tidy combinations as Greggs got the pastry mix balanced perfectly; more so than any of his starts for a while. Playing like this, we get CL-level Greggs linking seamlessly with his midfield and wing ; almost an added dimension to utilise.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – Terrific all first half, playing some quick, searching balls to get them turned. Lots of inversion as he left the wide channel free for our Asian speedboat to churn up and down in. Eased up second-half as we eased up through the gears and goals and didn’t require too much support.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6.5/10 – At the centre of plenty early contention – survived a tag-team assault as they tried to strip and molest him whilst thinking everyone was distracted by the corner being in the air. Thankfully, VAR picked up the incident via their live Pornhub feed and justice was done; or will be after the trial…Another of Crusty’s recent no-nonsense approaches pays off. He’s getting the hang of this.

GET CARTER – 6/10 – Fairly comfortable, spending his evening thudding into their romping ginger male model*. Quelled any threat without breaking too much of a sweat, ensuring this one didn’t disintegrate into anything like that Dens Park scrap. Saved himself for the arduous tasks ahead.

*As in, modelled by the Jim Henson workshop.

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