SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v FRANCO’S FOLLY…
ROXIE – 8/10 – The only English goalkeeper performing at the very top level but still a prodigal to pizza-faced penalty misser Gareth from The Office. World Cup place? Hmm…Yet the wonder of Joe is a thing to behold as we experienced the fraught horror of a one-on-one with the world’s best winger only to see our rejuvanated veteran keeper pull off a fabulous stop to hit the break level. No chance with the clinical genius of the following 45, but what a presence he’s been.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 8.5/10 MOTM – Whit? MOTM Sandman?! You know bugga-all! Yes. Yes, I do, or don’t… But take your meds and I’ll explain in delicate precision for whiny rockets…Not only are the sausage rolls top-notch (usually) – and we’ll need a few to ease the pain this morning – but I haven’t seen a Scottish defender cope so well in the most testing of circumstances as since KT’s days. Double-teamed for 90 minutes due to the underperforming Jota, up against not only Uruguay’s best right-mid, but also Spain’s best RB; and both of them on his case at. THE. SAME. FLAMING. TIME. ALL. GAME.
Enough to make Tavpen weep. And weep. Until his cheesy tats bled. Remarkably, Greggs stood up to it like a flaming boss. Somehow had the mental resolve to also push himself forward when required and try and spark some life into our blunt attack second-half. In all, of course he was eventually overrun. Of course he was desperately trying to make ground and stop their goals emanating from his side; but he was defending Han Solo and his effort was beyond heroioc in the circumstances.
BIG MERCEDES – 7/10 – Extremely decent – good to know what he can do up against the very best and there were no SPL lapses. Ridiculously unlucky as Modric Of Mordor fulfilled his Hobbit destiny to score again in Glasgow – Jenz’s first beautifully-timed block would have been successful against anything but that wee Croatian genius.
GET CARTER – 7/10 – Benzema? Benzema bottled it as the Big Mhan enforced the law like an unmasked Judge Dredd with a lisp and pseudo-Yank accent… Solid and uncompromising, difficult to lay any criticism at his door as he governed the central defence so well; they merely played around him. Because they’re that good. The bams.
JURAN JURAN – 6.5/10 – Ach, he was doing so well – found his footing in the game, gave us the surges up the right that revved up the crowd; just couldn’t find the killer ball in, though Daizen fluffed his best. Saddest moment of the night was JJ’s minimal but suicidal misinterpretation of the second goal movement – watch as he takes just ONE step-up thinking he might play offside and it’s a millisecond error that takes him too far from the eventual cross-ball playing in the Brazilian wunderkind to score; If JJ tracks the run/covers the penalty spot he’s that single stride away from being able to intercept the killer pass; small margins at this level.
CALMAC – 7.5/10 – The dream was there. But for a stupid flaming physics-defying post. Groundstaff, please remove it promptly. He actually hit the shot from outside the post-line if you look at the replay; when does a left-foot strike like that not just catch the woodwork and skim in? Only tonight, ffs, and only when you’ve got him at 33/1 to score from out the box…Great performance from the skipper, fading slightly after the break which gave them the opportunity they needed but can hold his head high after taking on the very best.
THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – The Bhoy looked great for the first half-hour, then his influence inexplicably ebbed; just when I reckoned he’d got their measure and was going to exploit the space he’d so nicely cultivated around their box. But that’s what happens at such rarified heights – suddenly they’ve adjusted, you’re goosed and your influence dissipates. But only a positive experience for such a young talent.
HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 – No fear, says the Japanese shogun mantra, and no fear was shown by the wee guy with the big talent. Surprised he exited so early as he seemed to be hanging in well and enjoying himself, as well as looking creative every time we got him on the ball in space.
ABADASS – 6.5/10 – Saturday’s Jewish Saint becomes Tuesday’s almost-divinity…But a clean strike or two from Celtic immortality, the new idol spent a first-half rueing the greatest chances of his young life against the finest side in the world. He’ll be running them over in his head as you read this, and you will too… So damn, damn close.
SON OF JACKIE – 7.5/10 – A tremendous effort from the Greek Rocky. No energy spared as he rumbled the Madrid backline and made every ball a scrap. Remarkably, my only complaint of the night would be that we didn’t go direct to him MORE in the first-half, as he looked to have them fruitfully spooked every time we launched one and isolated him and the big centre-back.
NOTEBOOK – 5/10 – Goddam, wouldn’t you just know it? – the man of the moment, the burgeoning superstar, the great Lisboa hope, fires a blank on the biggest stage come the biggest hour. Nothing ran for him, Carvalho pocketed him and he failed every time to shake it up and thrash out a winning tune. How often does the ryhthmic maestro fail to get the audience dancing along with his feet? Never saw it coming, and neither did he. Or you. Nae bloody luck.
SUBS –
MOOEY – 6/10 – Very decent, not afraid to play a ball or get stuck in or harry the finest, even though his task was thankless.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 5.5/10 – Likewise, old bar steward ambled about looking for Puskas, or even Butragueno, but didn’t let his confusion get in the way of helping maintain a decent Celtic attacking option right to the death.
HACKY SACK – 6.5/10 – Well, here’s one to oversome CL defeat depression – didn’t he look like a livewire capable of taking on top jungle cats and throwing in a few scratches of his own? Denied a memorable consolation only by a superb hand of the implacable Courtois.
MR.KOBAYASHI – 5.5/10 – Ooft, the wee man with the dodgy shoulder nearly notched a memorable one with his silken thigh. Kind of summed up our luck as the improvised dink suckered the goalie but drifted just high and wide.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 5/10 – Ach, it was right there Daizen – right there! Just kick it like it was a Zombie and we take the lead and we might just create another historic evening. But he scuffed it, they took a breath, then screwed us like Alfie gleefully duct-taping up a re-captured escapee from his basement…
ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – Angeball. It knows no fear. And Angeball was bristling the hairs on your necks and on Zombie necks across the fiery pits of Hades at half-time as the ‘transparent’ tactic wee Groinio has sussed (stop flaming laughing at the back!) threatened to de-rail the world’s finest talents. But there’s little Angeball can do when its exponents don’t take their chances against THE very best. And as intensity dropped and Ange sacrificed some pace and guile for Hail Mary plays there was a sense of impending inevitability.
And so it transpired that the Big Mhan’s philosophy was effective to a point until sheer quality nullfied its cutting edge. Yet, heart must be taken – ‘if only’ will haunt his memories of that 90; the real test will be among us and the other ‘also-rans’ as the scrap begins for the coveted second spot. Roll on, Ange. Keep The Faith.
OVERALL – 7/10 – Look, we’re going to play the legit best club team on the planet and you’re going to get about half a dozen good chances. Think you can take one?
“Eh, aye… Aye! Wi’ our record? Course…”
Jesus wept, how about that universe? She/He is a bitch. (pronouns applied when it suits you, woke simps, yeah?) Last Saturday morning, a wee Leprachaun pops out your Guinness and says that over the imminent 2 games against the European Champions proper and the European Pee-Gargling Supertramps, Celtic will record a positive 4-3 aggregate; you taking that?
Hell, yeah. And then that happens…
Got to take your chances. Or even just get the break of the ball. We had them rocking first-half, but that
opening strike in our favour was sooooo important that there was a seat reserved for it in front of the Vatican pub big screen with a card reading, ‘Bugger off, Pontif, First Goal only’.
And once they’d spent a tumultuous opening 45 slugging it out, they settled, sparred a bit, then got our measure
as The Hoops’ intensity fell away; thereafter they bossed it and showed such class that half the hoors in Govan
had epiphanic moments and joined a Nunnery. So we had our free swing at the big boys’ pitches and struck out three times. But we were damn close to catching one and getting a base hit if not a home run. See what I did there, Redsox fans?
They’re the best there is for reasons that became apparent as they passed not only us, but the entire city of Glasgow’s striking binmen’s picket lines off the park. But given we now know we’re capable of mixing it for a time, the real Champions League adventure starts and ends – or not – over the next two games. No reason to fear anyone now.
We just fought Ali and hit the deck. It’s getting back up that counts.
Go Away Now
Sandman
Good words, wise summation.
Butragueno yes
Well said sandman , brilliant funny feedback.
Awesome