SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS (In official Celtic 2nd language of Engrish): CELTIC v SEAN SOUTH’S SELECT…
“Slaying dragons is a Western concept. In the East, they are sacred. Divine creatures who brought wisdom, strength, even redemption.” Dr.Chen, Kaiju O Gojira
ROXIE – 6/10 – Big Joe, as we’ve come to expect, does what all top-class keepers do and turns up in the crucial moments. His tonight mid 2nd-half with velcro gloves to thwart Hibs big chance; vastly under-rated goaltending, kids, as it required perfect reading of the game and anticipation to not only intercept a fizzing cutback but hold it
to avoid spillage for a tap-in. Aplomb is his middle name.
JURAN JURAN – 6.5/10 – Nice pen, dispatched like Steve McQueen. Always good to have a confident taker keen on a little glory. Juran exudes that right now, playing with determination that has him involved back to front. Sort of player who drives others onto title wins.
STAR LORD – 7/10 – Well, the thought of scatterbrained Star Lord up against Hibs speedy attack, who like to punish you in behind, was enough for a mouthful of calcium powder and teeth ground to stumps. But he prevailed. On his toes, keen to get first to every forward ball. Had Get Carter watching on bemused as Star Lord
played Stars-in-your-eyes Mark Reiper and won all that came at him with vigour. Flustered only when romping out of his comfort zone and range of his invisible friend. But even the startled racoon will admit he actually looked a player for lengthy spells of the match.
GET CARTER – 6/10 – Tied up with their rangy centre, Nisbett. Has smacked enough young ponces like him around at the nightclub doors to know their lip will soon stop after initial mouthing-off. So it was as we recovered from early scares which saw him stretched and chasing shadows. Remained tough and ready for a scrap as ever, offering short change for rest of the game.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Industry as expected. Always busy, Greggs, but unlike the shops he rarely runs out of stock. Touch was off a little but he’ll make amend for clumsiness with work-rate and steel. Don’t underestimate his energy to cope with Hibs’ fiery forward line.
CALMAC – 7/10 – A performance of underrated excellence not seen since Laurence Olivier died backstage during Hamlet and Barney the midget court jester filleted the corpse, climbed inside like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back, took to the stage, and with stunning oratory, completed the final act to wild applause. Calmac is simply our processor, like the one in the device you’re reading these words on, continually running in the Celtic background, the CPU holding the entire system together, facilitating everything.
ROGIC – 7.5/10 – Babysitting Djockovic kept Oz busy all the break and we wondered if he could reproduce the scintillating, cultured socceroo style in this vital second half of the season. Well, he’s off to a start of touch and charm that takes the breath away. Nobody will benefit more from the additions to the team than Oz, now with multiple fleet-footed, fast of thought comrades around him offering themselves to his footballing instincts. Tonight, he tormented Hibs as ever, might have scored, made sure we did.
HAKUNA HATATE – 8/10 MOTM – No worries indeed from the laid-back, swaggering exponent of the kind of beautiful Far East footballing nous we last saw from his dad, Nakamura (obviously). The wit, awareness, swift feet and guile had big Oz whistling in admiration. He dominated the important attacking spaces all first half and can pick a telling pass in a blink. Quite a debut.
ABADASS – 5.5/10 – Another stuttering display, as volatile as the Bitcoin price, he’ll dazzle then despair with a final ball from the Sebo school of subtlety. Still, created a new world record for hitting a post three times in a second – twice with the ball then his shin.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – His conditioning as a samurai warlord in feudal Japan leading the 1877 Satsuma Rebellion (a war over the correct terminology for wee tangerines you get at the bottom of xmas stockings), just 11 years before Celtic came into existence, was perfect for his Paradise debut. Would it be a Robbie Keane or a Jorge Cadette debut? Three minutes is all a Samurai needs to slay his opponents. Found the open space and dispatched a smart clip from Oz with dashing ruthlessness. Thereafter we got glimpses of the turn of pace and
committment he’ll bring, as their defence got spooked into frantic scrambling to stay in the game.
JAMESY – 6/10 – A quiet one for Jamesy; there and not there – when he’s usually now you see it, now you don’t. Floated around, injecting pace intermittently and threatening to burst into life. Had we required so, we may have seen more of him in the second period but excitement was at a premium and Jamesy stayed tucked inside. Sorry, ladies. And his football was subdued too.
SUBS:
TAMAGOTCHI – N/A – We got one! Now remember to feed and water him and don’t let his charge run out. Then we get more promising entrances to the games like this; tidy, focussed and competitive.
NOTEBOOK – N/A – He’s back! Glammed-on to a roar of welcome, sporting his experimental new look which is a Beckham/Michael fusion concept from the Paris runways. Then fluffed a free-kick as he eyed glory.
SON OF JACKIE – 6/10 – Five months! Five months it’s taken Son Of Jackie to work through the daughters of Dad Jackie’s conquests. Now, drained, he’s ready to fully commit to the football and showed up tonight as a good strong presence with useful stick and alert passing.
MIKEY J – N/A – A surprise for the enigmatic Mikey as he gets chosen from our pool of 50 wide players for another chance at proving himself before we sign another ten wingers, including Hibs’ one.
ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – Back in the groove, mayte. Tooled up with Kamikazes and seeking more despite being knocked back by Tits McGee, here was a test for his recruitment strategy. Would he have the faith in his picks to throw them in against a tricky Hibs side, now managed by former Boston Redsocks fictional relief pitcher Sam Malone?
Yes, Ange did, and yes, Ange was vindicated. This was the ideal restart he wanted and now he can kick-on and
kick down boardroom doors in pursuit of further delights for the next fortnight as we open the popcorn and look
on at this dynamic rebuild with barely-restrained anticipation.
MIBBERY – 2/10 – Poor Gollum, forced to award a handball pen against all his New Year resolutions, held himself mostly in check until he shot its bolt on the 40th minute when he refused to give us a foul for blatant high
feet against Daizen “‘Cos Japanese are wee…” Then again his bitter cup of jingoism spilleth over as Rogic gets a card for being “too big and Australian”.
Sat forlorn his dressing room after the match being comforted by the far side linesgoon – who conjoured
an offside out of thin air when Abadass clattered the post – greetin’ “There was nothin’ I could do. Nothin’.
They’re too good now…God help Her Majesty’s First Eleven…”
To which the upset linesgoon nodded and blurted a sobbed, “Marm…”
OVERALL – 7.5/10 – Well we got them. Tora and Tora started. Then the other Tora joined the fray late on. It’s code for ‘lightning attack’ and, man, did we also get that. Blistering would be the way to describe how the Hoops
launched themselves into the winner-takes-all title run-in, eyeing up the grand prize and the CL place
with the bloodlust of a hungry grizzly just out of hibernation.
And, aside, talking of grizzlies – I hope Dominik Diamond hasn’t become lunch to one of them over in
Canaydia as it’s recently 30 years since a sneering Celtic supporter introduced a generation of English
gentlefolks’ sensitive weans to sardonic, knowing wit on the first-ever episode of Gamesmaster. Marvellous.
This game was done by half-time, if not the half hour a show ran. Anxiety’s always there with our Wacky Races
defensive capabilities but the team saw out a fine win with assured confidence and preserved vital energies.
So now we get after it with relish, eyes on the prize. Hadn’t even looked beyond this important fixture, but
someone told me we’re playing a death or glory tie against Allah or something next. And I’m not going to
start any cracks about that. Just hope we get radiacal on them.
Welcome home, Hoops.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
