Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Some Mothers Do Have ‘Em

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SOME MOTHERS DO HAVE ‘EM…

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – Big Joe and the comedy pinball routine with their strikers certainly livened up the second half after having a joke played on him just before half-time by our wacky Croatian. Hardly a save but plenty of handling under pressure which was executed with exemplary cool. Currently bellowing in Juran’s ear in the dressing room so he gets the message, “KEEEEEPEEEER’S!” Which will also be sent as a ringtone.

Celtic v Motherwell – cinch Premiership –  Joe Hart applauds supporters following the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park, Saturday October 1, 2022. Photo Will Matthews

GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – Nothing but tidy industry and concentrated effort, as we’ve come to expect from the revelation of the season, despite the distraction of the Bake-Off starting on telly. He was at it until the death.

BIG MERCEDES – 8/10 MOTM – He wasted one ball all day. When your fulcrum in front – Calmac, slow readers – is below par and low on energy, it is a big ask to fill those boots. We got the answer from a surprising source – and Jenz was terrific in shifting the ball quickly and accurately to keep Angeball functioning properly. He harnessed that sharp awareness with physical wrangling of their burly forwards and really was key to us getting the points.

RAQUEL – 5.5/10 – Good grief, her glamorous hair must have gotten in her eyes at half-time, because after a competent first half she became erratic and wasteful, dwelling on the ball, failing to pick a clean pass, and required cover from the already overworked Mercedes. The Juranovic contaigon, they call it…

Celtic v Motherwell – cinch Premiership – Reo Hatate celebrates with teammates after scoring Celtic’s second goal during the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park, Saturday October 1, Photo Will Matthews

JURAN JURAN – 6/10 – “Hey, Joe, check out my fake boobies, man!” he yelled, as the ball was dropping from on high. He wasn’t grinning seconds later as Joe fell for it, appearing right beside him for a gawk, and the ball trickled in off those chesticles. Those crazy Balkan comedy routines, eh? All this minutes after he’d rattled their bar with a sweet free-kick, and minutes before he tried to make amends with a fine surging run and interaction
with Daizen. Alongside the alternative humour, he tore at them dementedly all second-half too and wasn’t rewarded with any kind of break. Could easily have been MOTM if it wasn’t for that near-fatal lashout. As it is… Maniac.

Celtic v Motherwell – cinch Premiership – Callum McGregor is shown a red card. Photo Will Matthews

CALMAC – 6/10 – A captain goes down with his ship. And ours managed to haul a Motherwell certain-goalscorer with him. Valiantly. After the intense international week, my worries that he’d be blunted were more or less correct. Although, even in his toil he was still popping up so late in the game to retain possession it was beyond admirable. He was probably hoping we’d be out of sight and he’d have his feet up by then. But Reo had other ideas and the skipper thankfully had a last burst of energy to sacrifice himself for the cause. And give Beaton an unexpected orgasm.

THE BUILDER – 5.5/10 – Young Rogic seemed marginally unable to find his deft touch, almost repeating similar not-quite-there games of recent times. Always a floating threat, his confidence may have been ravaged by the traitorous Kyogo, who stole a fine goal off him in the style of McCoist/Boyd by smacking it from an inch out when it was clearly going in and would have resulted in an 18/1 O’Reilly-to-score-a-header bet coming up for deserving
supporters…

Celtic v Motherwell – cinch Premiership –  Reo Hatate shoots towards goal during the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park, Saturday October 1, 2022. Photo Will Matthews

HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 – Currently learning the Japanese translation for, “Ya flaming scone!” Kamikaze became Calmacaze as Reo sold the kimonos with Juran-esque flakery and almost dropped his own Little Boy on our title ambitions. Apart from metaphorically flying his Mitsibushi Zero into USS Celtic, his overall game was a fine example of football defeating ruggerball – he played round the Motherwell hatchets and scorched in a deserved winner to notch his first of the season. Then he went all mental anime on us and ensured a starting place for himself next week by dishonouring his shogun. Summed up the mad game.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – Incessant and troublesome – that’s his trick and for the first 45 he was creating mayhem when we found the right pass. After the break, they tightened up his side and we fell off in intensity so Daizen was isolated and starved of the right service.

Celtic v Motherwell – cinch Premiership – Kyogo Furuhashi scores the first goal during the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park, Saturday October 1, 2022. Photo Will Matthews

MR.KOBAYASHI – 6/10 – A thief in the night. Outrageous poaching bordering on skulduggery to deny our Danish starlet a headed opener and needy dedicated fans free beer money. 18/1. Tenner. Fs. Karmaic metaphysical laws then rained down upon him as he missed a point-blank header and subsequent one-on-one with the keeper. Only a hat-trick against the Zombies at 66/1 will make up for this despicable performance that disgraced the Hoops…

NOTEBOOK – 6/10 – Since eviscerating The Abominables, he’s failed to conjour up any hits. Not for want of a first half of invention and spark. But the finish wasn’t there – signalled in the opening minutes when he’d have usually swept in an early strike. It’s ebbs and flows for the youngster – he’ll click back into matchwinning form soon enough.

SUBS –

ABADASS – 6.5/10 – Spiced up our right and had them chasing shadows when he appeared at pace and didn’t let up. Could have scored, could have set up a killer goal; fine impact.

MOOEY – N/A – Ambled on and cruised around with an air of quiet determination in contrast to the nail-biting in the stands.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 2/10 – FFS, Eddie. Played like a man of his vintage – deceased – and obviously forgot he’d been transferred away from Motherwell seasons ago. We got terrible old-school aimless searching balls that continually gifted possession and pinned back our ten. Seemingly couldn’t do damn thing right – or even
basically sensible – and you wonder how long Ange will tolerate that sort of anti-Angeball.

HACKY SACK – N/A – Put in a good ten minutes, and looks keen; Too keen when he refused to take the ball to the corner at the death, despite the screaming ‘advice’ of many thousands…

TWIST – N/A – Welcome to the party, big viking. You might get a kick next week.

ANITA DOBSON – 7/10 – The beauty and frailty of Angeball. It’s secret and its Achilles heel – Calmac. Angeball relies on the skipper shifting the ball at speed, accurately from deep, turning the opposing lines and facilitating our forward flood of interweaving hooped blurs to bamboozle their zonal defending strategies. But enough tactical nonsense – Calmac was knackered and I was concerned. We don’t have a capable replacement but
today Big Mercedes took the laurel wreath and the pressure off The Architect (roon ye, Abif…) by providing something akin to a 75% Calmac function and keeping Angeball moving. So the boss gets credit for his picks, his eye for a player. Tricky call next week in Perth – will be interesting to see what his fix will be. Consolidation or dynamism?

MIBBERY – 6.5/10 – Already priapic from his lunchtime entertainment, Johnny all but fainted as his wet dream came true and he got to dismiss a Celtic captain. Emboldened, he added to his already dubious tolerance of
thuggery by slapping on 5 minutes out of nowhere for our ten mhen to hold. Alas, despite many breathless urges to bewildered Motherwell players to “Jist pit it in the flamin’ boax…” he didn’t get that elusive second and ultimate climax. Or as it’s known to us – ‘The Raphael Borre Rhapsody’.

OVERALL – 6.5/10 – Phew. Three crucial points as the Hillbillies molested their cousins at lunchtime – as is traditional – to warrant another Xmas DVD release for their time at the top; ‘The Hour Of Glory Is Upon Us!” We didn’t look out of sorts – we appeared quite on it and might have blitzed them away within the half hour. But a majority fell off their game and the blow of a self-destructive strike caused lag and a brief loss of belief. Titles, though, are won by games like these. A few last season, and always out of the ether when you expect a smooth ride. Still, we got the job done and provided no little drama.

Quiet start to the month, eh? Fleck’s sake…

Go Away Now

Sandman

CLICK ON IMAGE TO PRE-ORDER, THE CELTIC RISING IS PUBLISHED ON FRIDAY 4 NOVEMBER 2022

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email editor@thecelticstar.co.uk

Comments are closed.