SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ST BERNARD WINTERS
“Well I can flaming well tell you I won’t be going anywhere, DD, I’m in the process of installing under-pond and bird-bath heating so…Well, I don’t care if you do send your pal ‘Irra’ around to discuss it; he can f….Pardon? An acronym? What do you mean acron… Oh…Eh, I’ll have that anonuncement made, then. By lunchtime?
Yup, by elevenses if you like…”
Transcript of Pistolo Pete phone conversation with as yet unidentified caller.
“Right, new mhan, new regime. The Zombies think they’ve got it sewn up because they play wi’ 14 every week. Well, ma sides play wi’ FIFTEEN! COYBIG! Ruuuuugger!”
D.McKay.
BANE – 5/10 – Appeared switched-on from the start – an unusual state of mind for a Celtic ‘keeper this season but meant he was sharp enough to get down quickly and pick the ball out of the net twice before half-time. Exposed more than Jordan’s Bristols. People wonder why we haven’t settled on a regular first-choice keeper this season; it’s because of rotation for intensive therapy sessions after spending 90 minutes behind that defence.
AJER – 5.5/10 – Making the roving right back slot his. Until June, probably… But while he’s still around, credit at least to big Kristiano for his application and driven mentality that rubs off on others… If they’re up to it. Most apaprently aren’t but points for valiant viking effort.
ALAN LADD – DEAR GOD/10 – One of life’s greatest mysteries. Tens of thousands of pounds a week. Somebody – in fact MORE than just one person/organisation – agreed in writing to meet those figures. Us too, the shame. Amazing; Like his basic inability to defend at a professionally-required level. Sign Shane Duffy – we guarantee you’ll win silverware; The flaming Donkey Derby Plate. I met big Shane’s agent once, great guy – it was on the beach in Gran Canaria; he was there with a couple of Sheiks, selling them a dune.
BITTON – 5/10 – So another injury. Another nasty one; ankle ligaments sprung as the universe picks the wrong centre-back to turn-over. Again. And we lose the only man at the back capable of pushing us forward with momentum.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 3/10 – Chasing shadows as St.Mungo played to him and he lost every challenge and let players turn and run from his stewardship. Not meeting the ‘Celtic class’ requirements yet.
MAN OF – 5/10 – Best attitude in the squad going by his demeanour and effort. But his role is of cog in a machine that doesn’t respond. And there’s not a lot he can do about that. You could keep him on the park to try, tho…
CALMAC – 4/10 – Brilliant burst of vintage Calmac to set up the equaliser. And… after that? Motions. Gone through. An influence waned; Possibly the biggest factor in our poor season. That’s not apportioning blame, btw; that’s just recognition of how vital he # is to overall team function.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 4/10 – Flicks and tricks are all very well, young Benjamin Button, but if they come to nothing it’s all candyfloss.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE – 3/10 – All histrionics and little effect. He’s on paid vacation up here and will probably end his time with a shrug and some patronising instagram cringe while the Zombies relish their historic first trophy.
GRIFF – 3/10 – Frustrating first-half with paucity of service. Kept inside at the break because… Reasons.
FRENCH EDDY – 6/10 MOTM- First chance, goal. Lovely movement and first touch, standing-leg finish was exquisite. Back as top scorer and about time. Then… enjoy yer isolation and fruitless charging about. Who would have thought you could escape covid by playing up front for Celtic? MOTM just for that moment of class that shows us what we could have been utilising properly all season.
SUBS:
ROGIC – 3/10 – A bored-looking Aussie thrown on at half-time in freezing-cold conditions and asked to win the game. He didn’t.
WELSH – 6/10 – Fair play, kid – terrorised for 45 minutes by his defensive partner but he came through it without error or nervous breakdown.
THE YETI – N/A – Mr.Angry made a fuss of a couple of dives and thundered about, but with minimal effect on proceedings.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – N/A – Got the wild shot count up a bit and did look busy; however, after his conduct so far through 20/21 we get the same trouble as he does with his girlfriend; is he faking it?
MIKEY J – N/A – Genius. Throw on the Eighties guy and everybody will get distracted thinking about Love Street ’86.
LENNONY – 2/10 – So how long do we have? Longer than Lennony, I’d guess. Neil Lennon is used to being approached in the showers by men in powerful positions; perhaps he might be more wary of a visit from our new CEO. Frankly, I’ve always hoped Lennony had a plan up his sleeve we weren’t aware of, or had missed. But like the teams he’s picked, he’s been scrambling all season.
And he seems to have little faith or conviction in his own method. Started with the Hamilton victors, then lost his bottle as we lost goals, so turned the second 45 into a testimonial with substitutions more disruptive to any semblance of pattern we had than enhancing.
‘Ah, stuff it,’ might be the best response to anything in his presser, because it pretty much encapsulates the attitude we’ve shown to this (could-have-been) epic-of-epic seasons. Ill-prepared if at all. And now as the shaky wheels come off, Lennony’s ‘Gone All Mowbray’ as survivors of that horror season say.
OVERALL – BOLLOCKS/10 – So in the interests of diversity, a new CEO approaches from the rainbow-flag sporting wing of rugger-buggers. A brave appointment by Celtic, the end of an era where, despite his contentious relationship with the support, Pistol Pete exerted a more powerful influence in administrative echelons of Scottish Football than Celtic have ever known.
No back of the bus or sexy-handshakes-society nonsense for him – Celtic were feared by the former gloating Bluenoses-in-suits of SFA and SPL governance. More will be written and speculated upon in the days and weeks to come; today, however…Well, we huffed and puffed and couldn’t blow anything down. All season we’ve been huffing and puffing, evidently not conditioned well enough to maintain any scintillating pressure for more than 40% of a match.
Organised, fit, and competent journeymen pros – that’s all you need to be to counter this Celtic. Throw in a sustained high press for a short time and you might win.
🗣 “I would say it’s the lowest point of my management here”
Neil Lennon’s told @AlisonGConroy his Celtic players are letting him down. pic.twitter.com/1WJLfrDCQ4
— Clyde 1 Superscoreboard (@ClydeSSB) January 30, 2021
The story of Celtic’s abject TEN in a row season, the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pin the tricolour to a little bit of football history, will be catalogued in a coruscating book of abject bewilderment (probably by me, come to think of it) simply titled ‘HOW?’ (Subtitled: ‘…The Hell?’)
Go Away Now.
Sandman
