SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC V MOUNTAIN MEN
“We very sorry ’bout shutting down city cerebrations ’cause of killer-beer virus; lesson learned – always put lime in neck of Corona bottle. But So many dragon, firework, and effigies of Rodgers and Novo we got to trash now. It daym murufreckin shame as Sam Jackson say.”
Xi Jinping, Chinese President.
“Who flecking machine-guns cows?” ‘Hens with extra bullets’.
Privates Uncredited Soldiers, back-of-truck scene, 1917. Great film.*
*(The Celtic Star Editor was away watching it last night thus the Ratings are up a little later, boy round the corner from him was an extra in the movie, made himself a grand for being one of the injured Tommies in the medical tent near the end).
THE WALL – 7/10
Astounded by the ball actually approaching him in a home game against Ross County. Not that much to do, per say, mainly because of their finishing. But no doubt it was pretty much heart-in-mouth time for him, too, as the defence flounced around like Richard Gough at a Pride march. Great save second-half as his workload multiplied tenfold from expected traffic levels. Wore the perplexed expression of a guy who’s accidentally wandered into a maternity ward and been handed a wean.
BAUER – 6/10
So well groomed, his opponents thought him a woman and a couple attempted to huckle him onto the team bus back to the Heelans for a midnight ‘spoils of southern raiding’ betrothal, as marital custom dictates up there.
They would have been dazzled by his swooshing play as he settled well into the spot vacated as Pingpong recovers from his Ayrshire decapitation. Solid enough and willing to support Jamesy with more measured defensive instinct than Johny. Competent, without matching the glamour of his heid.
That Team Work!!! 🤩🤩 💚@Oedouard22 💚💚#hoopsupsideyourhead#welldone pic.twitter.com/jWrm0IuLeb
— Chris Jullien.. (@Chri6ViF) January 25, 2020
JULLIEN CLARY – 6/10
Repeter d’mercredi? Nope. Nearly. Great chance first-half from a Sparky delivery, but this free header rammed itself in the keeper’s throat. Oddly disconcerted by our set-up, he seemed at sea when they sprang runners at him from deep; perhaps lack of time alongside Jozo caused distraction or perhaps it was just those woad-painted cannibals rushing him like banshees out of the woods, but he never looked in confident control of our backline.
HAYES – 5.5/10
On a mission like the corporal in 1917 (go see it), our able deputy Hayes took it upon himself to provide the only telling wing play early on as Jamesy got used to a new decade. Trouble was, they sussed his wing-back instincts were going to leave a lot of space on our left flank and we suffered, almost terminally. Between a rock and a hard place, he was unusually careless with his passing and final ball.
JOZO – 5.5/10
What’s this? Grass? Just after adjusting his central processor to artificial environment mode, our Terminator gets thrown onto an organic surface. And it took at least 45 minutes for his software to update. Second 45 he looked more like his composed self, as far as a disjointed performance allowed.
BROON – 6/10
Angrier and angrier the captain burned, as all around him lost their heads…And like a sea-shanty verse, Broon got the runaround first-half as their homework paid off and they sprang at us readily. It was a slow, slow burn for him, holding together an uneasy alliance in midfield as ‘The Coonty’ used hillbilly voodoo to unsettle our rhythm. He’ll be glad it’s done unscathed and he can look to aright the lame engine-room performance midweek.
CALMAC – 6/10
‘I wish McGregor was playing. Feck, there he is. Whit’s he up to – he’s got the ball in his hands?’
“A penalty/ Whit’s that? is that no’ one ay they things whit the Bears get?”
Ref Clancy loses his flaming mind, awards a penalty to Celtic…And… Skelp, 1-0!
Nice way to announce himself. If only he’d been more advanced, but was held in check by Mikey J’s inclusion and Sam Jackson’s role in front of him. Never exerted the influence you’d expect against a mob like them.
SAM JACKSON – 5/10
How many Muthu****as in row does it take to handle some agricultural muthu****as through a Scottish winter? Answer, THIS Muthu****a, three times a start, three times a win, baby. Stickin’ around for the end of the pound or vay-catin’ the station before the Ninth stop?
Today that segue style the Mutuhu****a brings was swamped in a malfunctioning, reserved performance midfield to back; too much standing-off opponents, not knowing to stick or twist when this Muthu****a is best deployed sticking some muthu****as daym good. Still think he’s best switching with Calmac and providing the link between Broon and an advanced Podgy Pirlo.
FORREST – 6/10
Jamesy announced himself to 2020 with a header. What were the odds? But in defiance of the paranormal, it produced not a goal but a tremendous save. Jamesy stood astounded, not with the goalie’s miraculous effort, but that a football bounced off his heid.
First time for everything, said the Prestwick Flying Flasher to the glass collector, but that’s another tale. Today all we wanted was more of the same – Jamesy winning matches for us – as we struggled to get a stranglehold. Like Mikey J, his pace and trickery was more telling as their energy reserves depleted.
MIKEY J – 6/10
A risk? An anonymous risk as the match threatened to by pass him completely. Then, wriggle-room and he draws a vital pen. Followe dup by a more confident New Wave Child in the second half, maybe could have gotten on the scoresheet.
In tough domestic chores like this he can float about like a luxury until he gets involved and in possession regularly. Same can be levelled at Jamesy occasionally, and certainly a few of seasons ago, although with maturity he’s evolved that intermittent time with the ball into match-winning contributions.
Will the same come of Mikey? Will he get/do we have the time to wait and see? These conundrums will be answered but until then we take him as we get him – like an album from an 80s band you’re not sure are the real deal or gimmiky colin-nish; full of enthusing, memorable tracks that may endure long in the memory and cement it as a work of art, but padded out with flimsty, unconvincing efforts. He’s going to be an Ocean Rain or a Zenyatta Mondatta (Shut up, no – it was craig-white).
GRIFF – 5.5/10
Damn, what a waste – carried a packet of Monster Munch down his shorts all game ready for a memorable celebration. or did he? ladies…Still appearing short of ultimate sharpness, a lonely furrow was ploughed sniffing out few genuine chances. Knackered himself taking over three thousand corners, gave way just in time to chuck some tape at a moaning old fella in the stand. That’ll shut Rod up.
SUBS:
FRENCH EDDY – 9/10 MOTM
Cue Eddy, cue the Roses. A rhyme in time. Nonchalant stooped header then beautiful feet and the smackdown was complete. The match winning Gaul with the nose for goal, moves like mercury, with instinct unearthly, gets ye waxing lyrical like some camp French poet, and ye don’t even flaming know it… Fin.
ROGIC – 6/10
Amble time for Big Oz. tuning in those feet for more pressing requirements, showed some dazzle and style in his cameo. Happy Australia Day Sport.
Happy #AustraliaDay2020🇦🇺 to our Celts celebrating! 🍀 pic.twitter.com/2XwV6dkvVj
— Celtic Football Club (@CelticFC) January 26, 2020
KARAOKE – N/A
The first of many appearances as the spring nears? More time for the miniature Moussa please, Lennonoy.
86' – Final #CelticFC sub:
⬅️ @mikeyjohnston10
➡️ @kdembele_103⃣-0⃣ #CELROS #SPFL pic.twitter.com/E2eO7m8IY3
— Celtic Football Club (@CelticFC) January 25, 2020
LENNONY – 7/10
Guess again, muthu****as, it’s shuffle time. Again. Did we start a little lightweight against stoic, lumbering opposition out to stifle? And there’s the recurring face palm of our main striker – ONLY striker- taking half a dozen corners in the first half hour.
And our midfield always defers whe we’re playing two wingers and space needs left for them cutting in; no muthu****a nor Calmac padding out the room high enough means a lack of game-control until we insist on the discipline of maintaining the fly-bhoys wide.
💬 #CELROS: On the Match 💬
✅ Neil Lennon
✅ Callum McGregorWatch on YouTube now ⬇️
— Celtic Football Club (@CelticFC) January 25, 2020
Still, the ‘lucky’ substitution that other managers are acclaimed tactical geniuses for – The Snake throwing Eddy on at the Beat Pit to win the game 3-2 (Beautiful Sunday, and that Jack Hendry look at Morelos’ miss – did you catch it on here yesterday? Priceless!) greeters? – proved Lennonoy did have his finger on the weak pulse and DID make the change perfectly. We escaped with a decent win, he escaped the piety of the self-righteous.
Plenty of questions about selection and subs but there’s the matter of Wednesday looming, so rinse and repeat those queries because there will no doubt be more to add come Perth’s selection and deployment. Today, a win as expected in his no-win game.
Fine. Move on.
OVERALL – 6/10
So we let a run-of-the-mill league game turn into a cup tie by our one glaring weakness – complacency. At this crucial stage of the NINE, there’s really no excuse for a team barely a dozen games from legendary status NOT to come roaring out the traps at every first whistle from now ’til June.
The Heelan’ Hingmys created more chances than the stumps on their paws, or away supporters, as they used the law of surprise to almost snatch out favourite offspring – that title trophy – from our grasp (see what I did there, Witcher watchers?).
But the record books will show a comprehensive 3-0 victory backed up by a million corners. There’s enough concern to keep the chatter busy until St.Johnstone, but ultimately you can’t have perfection every time. Like Mick told you – you can’t always get what you want. What you can get is three crucial points. Fair deal, Satan. But we don’t need to sell our souls, he’s already in them…
Sandman. For the hell of it.
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