FRENCH EDDY – 8/10
Quicksilver. Marvellous role ‘Up Front Alone’, channelling wee Kevin to combat the Their devious molestation; He set numerous movie traps – butt-handling agony as Eddy made sure the gropers lost their fingers on his flaming shorts, as exemplified when Harvey Arsefeel’s (see what I
did there, pervert movie producer watchers?) digits melted into Eddy’s kecks when he tried to ride him late on. Then the classic ‘slip and slide’ trick when the Zombies were askew as he sprung their line to score.
Like I said after IKEA – he’s grown into a role that he’s not even made for; soon as we get this human stick of TNT paired-up with a partner who can take the workload and let him roam free, sooner we destroy, destroy, destroy, DESTROY!
SUBS:
BAUER – 6/10
Well, despite offering the finest close-shave known outside the traditional straight razor, this purveyor of electronic grooming realised with his first tackle that these hairy bams were either too much fashion-victim or too much neanderthal. Credibly, our Austrian (that’s NOT kangaroo-land, slow of uptakes, that’s Hitler-land, for historical notables…) alice-banded, not-quite-sure-yet replacement did ingratiate himself to the 800 hardy souls by smashing into a few pests in blue and battling for the cause the last quarter-hour. Not shy to kick Them = good start.
SAM M*******N JACKSON – 7/ M*******’10
Well… M********n’ m******** ME, m********s! Damn game in the lap of the LAWD, an’ the boss say, “M********a, you got to git on it and m*********n’ see out this m********a with ALLLLL the m******in’ ability you can muster, M********a…”
So this M*******a showed up some specialisin’ m********in’ specialities and took those Zombie m********s to a m********in’ dance-off they ain’t was never m*********in’ jive-talkin their way out of, m****-f****s!
Glorious footwork aplenty to tease the m********in’ m******* out of those m********in M********as – Made them look like M********as in front of their own bitter m********in M********as as this here M********a beguiled the m********in bejeesus out of those bewildered m********as with sublimity of foot only reserved for the righteous M********as among us M********as.
And aforementioned M********a is THE M*******a. RE-TAIN the services of this M********a at all costs, Celtic, for he is a righteous ***skelpin’ M*******a supreme, baby. With mayo…
HAYES – 7/10
Did you see? Did YOU see! – Jonny’s bare torso as he got ready to com on – a huge CLOCK in the centre of his chest – his Ironman-esque time-travelling device!
The Sandman was correct all along – we have our quantum-leaping replacement geared-up for the NINE, and the TEN – which Jonny already knows we win – he’s fundamentally got to fulfil his role in history by being in the correct place at the correct time. And didn’t today go to pre-written history!
Marvellous contribution to finish a wonderful move alongside descendants of warrior slaves he freed in the 16th century French colonial wars, Johnny hooking up with Sam and Eddy to wipe the sins of the past – ergo, the fecking **** – and deliver us into Paradise.
When will we see him again? As soon as Skynet is defeated and he travels back from vanquishing oranje-eyed terminator cyborgs in post-apocalypse Govan 2067.
(CLICK BUTTON TOP RIGHT TO CONTINUE…)
