“SEVEN, Richie thought. That’s the magic number. There has to be seven of us. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”
Stephen King, IT.
“Seven, Dave thought. That’s a tragic number. There has to be at least seven mill in damages to Ashley. That’s the way they’re supposed to **** me.”
Dave King, SDI.
“Gluttony · Greed · Sloth · Envy · Wrath · Pride · Lust. We done them all, man!”
The Zombies. Se7en.
BANE – N/A
Truly took over the onfield spectator spot from The Cat. Commanded his box despite it being empty, watched a couple of Netflix documentaries and caught up with his favourite Youtube critic, the Critical Drinker. Caught a high ball sometime in the second half. But overall, sheesh. Pass the Gameboy.
Simpsonesque pic.twitter.com/aJaxwkN1l5
— Tam Sellics son (@gibbogibby1) August 3, 2019
HAT ATTACK – 6/10
Look, I was out at Presfest all day and I’ve yet to master his flaming name, so cut me some slack. Why wasn’t I at the game? Because I’ve got two kids to corral and I’ve still got one of them left after a busy day so a 50% return ain’t too bad. Anyway, big Nir Bitton lookalike fooled me a few times. In that I thought he was Bitton; keep up. Displayed nice touches and showed some uncompromising steel, only to limp off like a big girl just as I conjoured that compliment. A decent hour, we will see what’s to come.
AJER – 7/10
Boom! Got ambitions above yer ability? In comes big Kris to inject you with a dose of reality. Right up the pretentious passage. Sorted out a couple of those non-clapping Ubers St.Johnstone employ
and generally looked like he was warming up nicely to stiff a few Romanian champions come midweek.
BITTON – 7/10
Big Nir. Never far. Always a beautiful footballing option to build from the back. Like Ajer last season, he may turn out to be this season’s unheralded wunderkind, to play a major part in the NINE. Keep him!
BOLIWOOD – 7/10
Another unfazed rampage from the Manga reboot of Sincy. He’s loving this attacking side he’s been brought into and enthusiastically piling-on when required – put in a few good balls, showed for everything. big Boli’s probably forgotten by now that he’s actually employed as a defender.
Wednesday will remind him – and enlighten us- of how well he knows that role…
BROON – 8/10
Gay Times? No problem to our buftie-icon skipper who spends his spare time fending off an entire city of Edinburgh’s finest fabulosos. Broony dished out the knock-backs to Silver-fox Felcher Foster and ubiquitous ****-bandit (apologies for the old-school terminology, new-school homos; no offence meant in the lame pursuit of humour) Davidson. Broon gay-LORDED the midfield in another display of DOMINATION as they went BACKS-TO-THE-WALL in fear of a HUMPING. Subtle references aside, this was yet another RIMMING inspired by our captain’s FETISH for Beating Disenchanted Scottish Mince. A DIVINE (Hello Mark Dingwall!) display.
CALMAC – 6.5/10
Quiet as a moose. And I’m happy about that. Always showing for the ball, looking for the pass, setting up the strikers, BUT, crucially, not required to be at full-steam; perfect for us going into Wednesday where I suspect his composure and influence will be utterly crucial. A walk in the park on a sunny afternoon for the wee mhan.
FORREST – 6.5/10
Jamesy returns to the fray, still revving-up as the season gathers momentum. Presfest this weekend means extra glass collectors on duty across all the Prestwick pubs – Jamesy calls it ‘Christmas 2’.
He opened a brand new plastic mac this morning; one with mini strobe-lights woven into the inner lining… He hoped to celebrate this special day with a goal but you can see his quick feet are still at the bedazzle and not yet vagazzle stage where he’ll gild the lily with some splendid strikes. Have faith; HE is coming. Ladies…
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 8.5/10 MOTM
And talking of HE – the Son Of Man stepped up and won the game single-hat-trickedly to ease the workload on his team-mates. He’s a frenzy of holy torment to backlines. Bleached his dodgy haircut (a worryingly Mikey J-esque bouffant in development) with a couple of slashed crackers, and one fluke – NO, NO, NO, St.Johnstone goalie; it’s not Mexico ’86, so wear a Goalkeeper’s top with PROPER long sleeves and not a flaming T-shirt. Got what you deserved you hapless hipster.
FRENCH EDDY – 7.5/10
He’s liquid like the Terminator T-1000, as the Rangers will find out. Again. Performed a first-half slalom on the edge of the St.J box which bamboozled half their team into proposing marriage to one another. Silken movement paid off with a beautifully worked and taken goal from a Sparky pass. French Eddy’s a born slayer, and slay he will.
MIKEY J – 8/10
The Neverending Sto-ory, the tricks and the glo-ory, Mikey J, na-na-na na-na-na na-na-naa-aaaa, na-na-naaaa…The 80s will never die when the smock and the ruffled suede boots with the leather
laces are in Mikey’s locker; Along with a few fleet-footed tricks, it must be said. Celtic TV froze just as he dropped the shoulder and jinked left before his opener, only to regain it’s framerate and f***-up everybody watching in the pub with Mikey back on his right, slotting in the opener. Well done, kid, sold the entire audience a dummy. Consistency and potency is what we require of the young New Romantic entertainer before he metamorphosizes into a surly Goth. Give us more uplifting Spandau before you get morose with the Sisters Of Mercy, Mikey!
SUBS:
SAMUEL. L JACKSON – 7/10
Goodness grrr…acious me. MFs! Not for this MF the path of the stray, nor the MFin comfort of the humble introverted non-participatin’MF – NO! This here is the MKin way of the MKin wayward genius MF, with the first swing of the boot and the MFin hoot as this MF say howdy-doody MFs, remember this MF!?
SMAYSH! Left peg it was, and left you MFs in awe of a MF destined to leave his MFin mark all over MFin Paradise lest his beknighted reputation seem unbefitting of a MF with so much MFin class it a damn – DAYMN! – shame to waste it on unrequited MFs who ain’t appreciative. There can BE much MFin love for this MF if the MF would just chill in sync with ALL us MFs and commit his MFin self to the MF cause. Like a Mu-thu-****a!
GRIFF – 7/10
The Return Of The Thumb continues. Another great strike and another goal. Sparky will soon have as many goals for Celtic as weans scattered around the country. And countries. Nothing seems likely to stop the story of the season as his rise back to greatness steps up another rung. Only being drawn against the same team twice in Europe and a return trip to face a paternity suit would stop him and that’s very unlikely. Chapter one of this enthralling series will close on 2 September. By then we expect the main protagonist to be at his deadly best with his side in the CL group stages and the evil empire flailing in mortal agony by his hand. Write the script, Sparky!
RALSTON – 6/10
On for the thighly-inconvenienced Hat Attack, Tony applied himself like… Well, a tiger. I like his no-nonsense rumbunctuous style. More often than not, he has the demeanour of a bloke stopped in the act of punching an irritating drunk. Frills will come, basics appear to be secure.
LENNONY – 7/10
That difficult first-day job. Done. Shiny, clinical and ruthless. The Snake’s suave with the Ginger Ninja’s pragmatism; The team showed the best of their boss’s influence. Everybody wanted a good start, nobody expected a slaughter on the scale of what we saw. He shook it up again, rotated, gave game-time to those in need, rested those we need. Demanded and got professionalism and a job executed with ruthless efficiency. Everything to plan. One down, 37 to go. File under splendid. Move onto Wednesday.
OVERALL – 9/10
‘Laying down a marker’ is a very common phrase, indeed you’ll have read it probably around a dozen times from lazy SMSM journalists by now. The phrase they baulk at using is mine – ‘shoving a marker right up your twitching a***s’ …Which is the apposite terminology for the devastation Celtic wrought upon St.Johnstone and the message of impending defilement transmitted to every other SPL side by trembling horseriding courier. Or whoever the hell they use; carrier pigeon, rickshaw etc, etc.
We got 7. It may have been 10. It WILL chill the bones of future cannon fodder – not rocking up to Paradise this season with snide agendas of nicking results. Nope. This season they’ll feel their bawbags creeping up their necks when the team bus draws up to the Doors of Perception. Results like this make the NINE, and the TEN, more real than ever. It says, stop us if you can. It asks
pretenders to the throne if they can walk the walk or just talk the talk. We know the answers. Here we go…
Sandman done.
Also on The Celtic Star…have a look at some of our other articles on yesterday’s brilliant performance and also check out how Steven Gerrard’s 86 min game league win seems to be incorrect! Clicking on a few of these links below genuinely helps us make the The Star even better going forward. Cheers!
Steven Gerrard is Wrong! ‘The Brutal Truth’ is that Celtic, not Rangers won the ’86 mins’ League… see HERE.
‘Neil Lennon has thrown off the Shackles’ says Niall J, ‘it could be a Magical Ride’…see HERE.
Watch Rod Stewart singing ‘Here we Go, Ten in a Row’ at Paradise…see HERE.
‘Ryan Christie who is the best player around. Anyone disagree?’ David Potter…see HERE.
Magnificent Celtic’s Seven Heaven…see HERE.
