“THEY’VE BEEN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!” – SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ MIDDLE EAST…
They’ve been struck by lightning 🤣🤪🤣 pic.twitter.com/c0Kmx7d3mE
— Benny gallacher (@BennyGallacher) August 23, 2020
“Ah’m no oot wi’ a ‘calf strain’ – Ah jist mistook a cow fur a burd while crossin’ a field phished on on the way hame last week, jist as the polis wis passin’…” Griff.
‘Tinker Tailor Sold Ye Shyte’…Read John Le Carre’s new spy thriller as a deluded Scottish football club investigate how two dodgy scousers managed to offload a heap of shoddy, Indian sweat-shop recycled wummins’ knickers onto their unspeakably gullible fanbase under the guise of ‘pewer quality’ sportswear.
B.A BARKIS – 6/10
Our A-Team refugee must have wondered what he’s let himself in for as the team bus pulled into Dundee. ‘Ah, Scotland has an Acropolis too…” he was heard to murmur, realising what downtown Athens might have looked
like after a nuclear attack. Unfazed by these archaic surroundings he lolled about his box until late on when he had need to position behind a fizzer on a United breakaway. We may find his real worth midweek.
PINGPONG – 6/10
He looks like he’s beginning to surge rather than fizz up the park which hints at more maturity in timing, and coaching results. No real telling contributions today aside from a good defensive recovery where his pace saved us. In attack, United seemed to have his number.
BITTON – 7/10
‘The Arabs’? Am I at home? Did I click my red slippers together? Well, in a place as strange as Oz, our Israeli already had cause to wonder why so many munchkins wander the streets. With his implacable poise and basic footballing excellence he remains a fantastic option for domestic matches like these when we will see slightly
more space than against sides who line up like Davy Crockett’s minders. And so it transpired during the second half onslaught that he was indeed the third wave, helping pin them in, picking the passes. Accomplished, is his definition.
JULIEN CLARY – 6.5/10
‘Pah, thee cake ees like thee ceetee – stodgy and a pain in thee ass,’ said not our French fancy in his post-match interview. He was busy from first to last, well, in the first minute – smartly cutting out a deadly cutback – and in the final seconds nodding away a looping corner. In between – tidy and motivational but not carrying his usual additional threat.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 5.5/10
Buns or pies, yum-yums or empire biscuits? Plagued by indecision in the bakery, dogged by it on the park too – caught wandering wrong side, not deliberate enough going forward, too many options in his heid when all we require is consistent early dangerous deliveries.
BROON – 6.5/10
Appeared unusually leggy, or just the victim of good opposition tactics by playing a couple of pacey midfielders in an attempt to upset our engine rather than the usual cage fighters. At any rate, Broon had to wrangle and rustle his way through the game with less space and time than he’s familiar with. But he did it, and it’ll be good practice for the intensity of the qualifiers.
CALMAC – 7/10
I’d expected his perpetual motion would have the Arabs mesmerised as our metronome struck out the rythm. But it took him time, playing deeper, aiding Broon to forage some telling possession and force the game to them. However, quality will come to the fore, and Calmac’s didn’t fail us.
SAM JACKSON – 7/10
What kind ‘o muthusuckin’ joint is this daym Babylonian purgatory? Then them Muthusukas turn up in orange like a Glasgow marchin tribute, the muthusuckas…And so our Muthusucka went to town… To the sort of town muthusuckas are used to goin’ to, and he was sharp and active as we wanted but just lacked the muthusuckin’ final touch we were screaming for as we prayed for the righteous Muthusucka to lay down the law and heap furious anger upon the perma-ragin’ muthusuckas achin’ for another falter. But we got there, daymit! And the Muthusucka justified his inclusion.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 7.5/10
‘Holy Moley!’ cried the Dundonians, ‘HE has come!’ To us he’d be the biblical Saviour of note; in Dundee he’s Slough Feg, Lord Weird of the Celtic (‘Keltic’) Mythological Legends – they’re still a few centuries off the Christianity thing…And you’d think his Da was playing tricks on him as he played a personal game of shooty-in against their flying goalie. However desperately unlucky he was with his four hundred and thirty two shots, his deliveries from dead balls were contrarily Colin Nish, and his MOTM status relinquished.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE – 6/10
Midweek hero, weekend zero? Well, class swells with confidence and we hoped he’d be getting his mojo together for a perfect run of match winning influence. Not yesterday, but at least he was actively involved in a number of promising build-ups and looked to be bubbling under like a Bear mega-transfer. Ultimately though – still frustratingly lacking the balls to take the opposition to the cleaners with some swagger.
FRENCH EDDY – 8/10 MOTM
Stifled, nipped, jostled, as outnumbered as a virgin in a Dundee nunnery, but he caused chaos with his deceptive movement and must wonder why the Gods of positive action were so miserly in their dividends. But French Eddy draws in defenders with his own mercurial gravity, opening precious gaps. And at the death he was in the thick of it to nick it, blocked by two and the goalie, yet not denied his part in the glorious pinball wizard of a winner.
SUBS:
THE YETI – 7.5/10
You abominable bar steward! Confidence booster like a cocaine speedball with an impact like Raquel Welch in a fur bikini as he pops on and pops one in with his… Bigfoot (Da-naaa, two in a row, mythical missing-link pun fans). Made it and scored it and then sold his own fur to the locals who have built flaming shrines on the Broughy Ferry Beach where druids are mixing it in clay bowls with dragon’s skull ashes in an attempt to master the secrets of alchemy.
FORREST – 6.5/10
Wakey, wakey, Jamesy. A turn on the bench – or restored stagecoach seats – to pep his mettle. Fair play, he came on and got at it, investing more interest in the game than the previous four and looked like he received the message. Flashed one over (ladies…) and you get the feeling he might be closer to one of those dazzling bursts of form we seem to get when we least expect it; very much like a bemused glass collector…
KLIMALA KLIMAX – N/A
Brought on late to distract locals who collect 70s porno.
AJER – N/A
Thrown in to bewilder the opposition by shouting instruction in the regional dialect – ancient Viking Nordic runespeak.
LENNONY – 7.5/10
A tricky task negotiated with… seven minutes to spare. Still reluctent to give these mid-table upstarts both barrells – aka two up front – Lennony persevered with the training ground staples and utilised our dynamic frontman’s creative abilities; may have thought it just wasn’t going to be our day but credit where it’s due – threw in the two and boom-shakalaka-boom Eddy and The Yeti’s combined wizardry rips a winner out of the ether. Phew, now get to battering opposition like them out of sight early.
OVERALL – 7.5/10
I used to have a friend who was a notable DJ in Dundee clubs in the 90s. He was a diabetic who, on ‘ladies nights’ in one particular sweatbox, deferred his regular insulin dose just so he could trip-out through the whole experience; also the only times he ever declined a threesome (and more…) on grounds of aesthetics, animal-husbandry and self-respect.
Not to say the ‘City of Discovery’ or ‘To Be Discovered’ isn’t pretty when the sun shines on the Tay and highlights the decorative rows of crucified corpses along the riverbanks…
So there we went again, just along the road from the darker blue side, to the tangerine one. A club, though they play in the colours of institutional bigotry, are more reviled by them than admired; a match-up the Bears would hope we both lose.
And maybe the Bears were sitting happy on the 83rd minute before schadenfreude – that big German leather-clad dominatrix from their favourite Hamburg brothel – fisted them yet again and they vomited out of date McEwans lager all over the stolen-primary-school-gym-hall-floors of their rancid ludges as the Bhoys did what
the Bhoys do and danced the sweet jig of late victory.
Should we get to the two-up-front part of the season soon, or wait until the Rednecks think they have won the league again?
Ah, out-of-the-hat-in-the-nick-of-time wins; like re-runs of One Million Years B.C – I never tire of watching such beautiful things, and that’s got nothing to do with dinosaurs.
Go Away Now
Sandman
PSG V BAYERN MUNICH CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL PREVIEW
We’ve got something a little different today. We’ve teamed up with our internet buddies at Caught Offside to bring you a Champions League Final preview. The Caught Offside chaps reckon that favourite Bayern will shade it this evening but we’re not so sure. Have a read below…
READ THIS…PSG V BAYERN MUNICH…A career-defining game for Neymar, but Gnabry & Lewandowski to edge it for Bayern? Champions League final preview…
ALSO ON THE CELTIC STAR TODAY…
Walfrid & The Bould Bhoys – It could only be Celtic. Our first competitive game is played | The Celtic Star https://t.co/HJlMgqXczD
— The Celtic Star Editor – INVINCIBLE (@CelticStarMag) August 23, 2020
“The difference between West Ham and here is that I feel the trust from the gaffer,” Albian Ajeti | The Celtic Star https://t.co/jDjCOCIwlN
— The Celtic Star Editor – INVINCIBLE (@CelticStarMag) August 23, 2020
Video – “It was a good game, it was feisty, it was mentally challenging for the players,” Neil Lennon… https://t.co/nTOE8FDRJH
— The Celtic Star Editor – INVINCIBLE (@CelticStarMag) August 23, 2020
David Potter – Three aspects of Celtic’s play frustrated me beyond measure | The Celtic Star https://t.co/R1R1RSMBRO
— The Celtic Star Editor – INVINCIBLE (@CelticStarMag) August 22, 2020
